A Parent's Playlist

This is a playlist for my child's 18th birthday. A song for every year to exemplify the time frame of our life along with a short explanation. However, in most cases I am fairly certain the songs will speak for themselves. This was a very emotional journey back through his life with all the growth and changes, for him as well as me. Retrospect and hindsight are intense lenses to look through. I want to share as much as I can with you guys, but some of it is sensitive material. I hope the music makes up for what may be lacking in detail.

Age 1 You'll Be In My Heart

The way this child came to be mine was quite unique. I began babysitting after seeing her neglected by her mother who was a friend of the extended family and lived nearby. I couldn't do anything to change the mother, but I could help this poor little baby. A couple hours turned into a couple days, every time I would babysit it would get longer and longer. As the weeks passed the baby became part of the family and even had her own stocking at our house during the holidays. Within 3 months the birth mother asked if we would be interested in making the arrangement permanent. My answer was never in question, it was an immediate yes. There was no possible way for me to love that child more, I called her my 'soul baby'

Age 2 In My Daughter's Eyes

I literally never knew my hear could hold so much love. I often felt as though I could explode for how much I loved this little chubby cheeked baby that had come onto my life. I knew that everything I did from this moment forward would be for her and that no matter what I came up against I would be able to make it through because she was now my motivation for everything. I began a practice of asking "What would I want Emily to do?" whenever faced with a hardship or challenge. However, I would want her to respond is how I responded. Loving her made me better.

Age 3 Cats in The Cradle

I was doing everything possible to build the best life I could for this child. I had made my way into management and was working about 60hrs a week. I was able to provide her with a room full of toys and the cutest outfits and a nice yard to play in. The only thing my child didn't have was an excited energetic parent to enjoy it all with. One night during one of my late shifts I was sitting in my car taking a short break when this song came on the radio and made me break into tears. I knew I had to make some drastic changes in our life, starting with making time more important than money, experiences more important than things.

Age 4 Pocket Full Of Sunshine

Leaving the woman, I thought I would this child with was unfortunately among the many changes I had made that year. I still had to work obviously, but I switched jobs so I could be less stressed and overwhelmed. I focus on making the minutes count. This song was one of our favorite singalongs back then. I would sing most of it while she would use her adorable little voice to belt out all the accent parts. Music has always been something we enjoyed sharing and honestly think it started with this song. She was my pocket full of sunshine.

Age 5 Stand Tall

When she was five, we moved across the country back to my hometown to start fresh and build the life we wanted free from all the pain that a few very unfortunate happenings that the past year had brought. Much too much to share here. I wasn't sure what our future would bring or how we would begin to heal the wounds that she had endured but I knew that together we could get through anything.

Age 6 Never Say Never

It is hilarious to me now looking back at this time of my child's life because of the contrast between who she was then and who HE is now . At this point she was obsessed with Justin Bieber and this song was on repeat along with most of his others. Never Say Never though was something we shared together, I love positive uplifting music and we were still in the early stages of rebuilding our lives, so the message was perfect.

Age 7 It's Time

I had learned a lot about what I wanted for us and what I did not want. It seemed (and still seems really) like every year I grew as much as she did. I had started setting the foundation for an amazing life for us, it was a lot of work, but I did my best to find a balance. We moved into a cute little neighborhood and made a small house into a cozy home.

Age 8 F@cking Perfect

Up until this point I had been homeschooling her due to my inability to get her state seal birth certificate. This year she started public school at second grade instead of third, just in case I had missed anything and so she could adjust to the environment. I think Iwas more nervous than she was and always looked for ways to keep her confident. Our whole family loves Pink so when this song came out that year it was played at least once a day somehow by someone. I would sing it to her every chance I got, being 8 she was starting to be embarrassed and annoyed when I would though.

Age 9 Sky's The Limit

Life was going pretty great, we felt unstoppable. Even when obstacles arose, or challenges presented themselves, we would work through or passed it and come out stronger. We were creating new traditions, making better habits and routines, and just really loving life. Our annual attendance to Yes I Can music and art festival, our weekly hikes and so much more started this year. This year was a great year, the sky was the limit.

Age 10 I Lived

Following the same vibe as the year before, we stayed focused on experiencing life in its fullness. This song was perfect because it spoke about the pains in life as well as the joys and how it is all part of true living. That was, is and always will be my biggest wish for the kid.

Age 11 Sloth's Revenge

Don't judge me, there are some inappropriate lyrics, but the message is still positive. This band is our all-time favorite, and we would see them every chance we got; we were even in one of their music videos the year before. This song was always a crowd favorite at the show, and everyone would sing it out loud in the audience. My kid wouldn't sing it he would just love sharing the moment and watching me get silly.

Age 12 Simple Man

At this point I could easily tell that my child would soon be coming out as trans. I loved him no matter what and worked to make sure he knew it. Singing this to him horribly out of key was one of my favorite ways. This was a hard year for s actually, due to issues to complicated to waste space here we lost the home we were renting to own. Looking back this was a turning point for us both, mine unfortunately not a good one, losing that home we had built all but broke me emotionally.

Age 13 West Coast

We accidentally moved back to the east coast. I say accidentally because we were only supposed to visit but life had other plans. After losing the house the year prior I converted a van into a tiny home and planned to move to Oregon to start our next chapter. Before making that move, we went to visit family in NC. Unfortunately, the engine in my van conversion blew so we ended up stuck back in the place escaped nearly ten years earlier. Even though we were back on the east coast though we kept our west coast energy.

Age 14 Oxygen

As I said before losing that home affected me in ways I never could have anticipated, and my child was going through turbulent emotions of his own with his transition in addition to teen angst. I was only able to keep it together by trying to hold him together. I felt like I was drowning but was always somehow able to find breath for him.

Age 15 In My Head

I have a lot to say about this year and the one that follows it but honestly, I can't find a way to word it that wouldn't feel like an invasion of my child's privacy. We were both struggling mentally and emotionally. Covid of course added to the weight of it all. No matter what though we could still bond with music, this one was a themed for the two of us that year.

Age 16 Stay

We were both making promises we knew we couldn't keep and no matter how hard either of us tried we just kept repeating the same cycles. Cycles with ourselves and each other. He moved in with my ex this year. It hurt so much to see him go, despite knowing it was for the best.

Age 17 In My Blood

After a very hard and very humbling couple of year we are both back on our fight. This song is a song that helped us both find ourselves again. I am so prou of the man he has become and am incredibly thankful for being blessed to be his parent.