A new single Father.

Hey Vocal+ Friends, My Vocalizers.

I will omit my name for the moment, as I am uncertain of this platform.

My Ex and I had a beautiful baby daughter nearly 8 months ago, a mere 2 months after we started dating and as you can expect our relationship went sour. I am not here to talk about what happen today; nor about the relationship at all, but to speak on my lifelong fears, that have come true.

I was born into a home where my mother didn't care in the slightest and my father was a known criminal and unable to take custody; I ended up with his parents - my grandparents.

I always feared having a child with someone like my mother, I always told myself I wouldn't make the same mistakes my father did. I was unsuccessful and have put my gorgeous daughter in a position I can't control, and I've NEVER been so scared.

I never wanted to have children in such a situation, No owned home, No preparation and No communication. Her mother was difficult and refused to be a partner in anything, from buying groceries and cleaning the house to deciding our daughter's name and how to raise her. She would no assist in cleaning, or taking care of the yard despite the dog of the house being “Her’s”, to such a degree I was not allowed to discipline him; She let that dog do whatever he wanted and get away with it.

My days would regularly involve – Working from 12AM till 8AM, then drive back home, the commute took 1 hour, each way. I was gone to work from 11PM till 9AM the next day, I then would get home to my house covered in garbage, from the dog eating the trash, Living room table covered in garbage and ash, kitchen counters were covered in dished and trash, dog feces all over my porch (As well as her cigarettes), so I would spend at least 2 hours a day trying to clean the house up. This does not include time spend cleaning her dogs BLOOOOD off my WALLLS. Then I would purchase all the food for us both, and then I would sleep alone in my bed while she ignored me and would sleep on the couch.

After about 4 months of this I started getting upset. Telling her to clean up her dog’s mess, to stop leaving her bloody toiletries on the bathroom floor, to assist in cleaning up after herself. I even took paternity leave because I thought she was upset that I was working so much but it turned out she was already cheating on me and wanted out – All I wanted was a partner, and she turned out to be my biggest fear.

When I caught her cheating, I asked her not to come back for a day so I could process what had happened and she got upset and left – Went to the Women’s interval home and claimed abuse. So we’ve been at odds the whole quarantine, thankfully she was gone before it happened. I can’t imagine trying to do this while being stuck at home together.

I know I wasn’t perfect, maybe I didn’t ask her what she wanted enough, maybe I didn’t talk to her enough, maybe I wasn’t attentive or maybe I was treating her worse than I thought. I wanted someone I could grow older with, she was the one person I cared about in my adult years, and because of the situation we ended up in, I’m scared she took what hope and love I had left.

Daddy loves you Violet, no matter what happens.