A Necessary Conversation About Rape

I remember the most awkward conversation I had with my daughter was on the subject of rape. I approached her stoically, yet awkwardly, and told her that we needed to have a serious conversation. She was 10 years old. She seemed too young and innocent for such an adult subject, but unfortunately, children have a much higher risk of being sexually victimized than we would ever like to acknowledge. I needed to be clear but not graphic—to say just enough that she knew how to protect herself without giving her nightmares.

I still remember everything about that conversation: where we were, the weather, the sounds and scenes around us. I had to sit her next to me while we talked because looking her in her innocent face would have caused me to lose my nerve.

I was filled with emotion even before I uttered my first words. Why do I even have to address this? She is just a child! Can’t I just keep her with me and protect her always? Why are people so disgusting?! It makes me angry to think about it.

Coming to the realization that you won’t always be around to protect your children—especially as they grow older and need to find their place in the world—is hard. I’m sure there is a more elegant way to word it, but there is nothing elegant about needing to have this conversation with a child. It is a necessary and disturbing reality that, unfortunately, needs to be addressed. It is better to address it and help keep them safe than to ignore the inconvenient reality of the world and the times we live in.

To be honest, the world has always had to deal with the disgusting truth that children are targeted and victimized by deranged predators who would exploit their naivety for their own sick pleasure. Many of these offenders are acquaintances of the family. Some are even close relatives.

This has gone on for millennia. The subject is broached in some of our oldest records, including the Bible, under the Jewish Mosaic Law, which was passed down by tradition from one generation to the next. There were laws against incest that, in addition to other purposes, placed clear boundaries around sexual relationships within what should be the safety and protection of the immediate family and home.

There is even a law addressing how imperfect men, with only two sides of a story, were to judge between what was considered involuntary rape—a man overpowering a woman who cried out but was in a field, away from anyone who could hear her—and what the law treated as consensual sexual activity involving an engaged woman. The consequence under that ancient system of justice could be death.

When it came down to the he-said-she-said that inevitably accompanies some accusations of rape, what would a human judge do? The law laid out the facts that could be established. If a woman was overpowered in an isolated setting, with no one to hear her cries and no reasonable way to summon help, she was not held responsible, while the man could be put to death for the crime. However, if the encounter occurred in a city setting, where others were presumed to be close enough to hear a cry for help, the law treated the circumstances differently.

This was not a perfect system administered by perfect people. It involved imperfect judges who lacked the supernatural ability to read hearts and minds.

The divisive nature of this subject is exemplified by the current response to the surge of news regarding the Cornell Seven and Jane Doe rape allegations, as well as the controversy surrounding the university’s response to the young men involved. This subject brings out strong emotions in people—some because of their own experiences with sexual assault and others because of attitudes that can be summarized as “boys will be boys.”

From what I’ve researched about the account as presented thus far, I am outraged by the way at least some of these young men allegedly took advantage of this young woman’s altered state. I don’t care whether or not she chose to consume copious amounts of alcohol, marijuana, or ketamine or if they were given to her. A real man doesn’t have sex with a woman when she is incapacitated. I wouldn’t have sex with a woman even if she had only drunk too much and I had the slightest inclination that she would regret it the next morning.

I’m also deeply disturbed that she found herself in an unsafe situation that would allow there to even be a question about whether she willingly participated in sexual activity while under the influence of mind-altering substances and without someone she trusted nearby.

The world can be a dangerous place. Anyone who is vulnerable can become a victim if others choose to exploit that vulnerability. Keeping people safe is a joint effort between the individual and the people who genuinely love them and care about their safety and well-being.

This brings me back to my motivation for having this extremely difficult and awkward conversation with my 10-year-old daughter. If I had any delusions that she would always remain under my care and protection, I was jostled out of them when she began menstruating. That woke me up to the reality that her body was maturing whether I thought she was ready for the implications of that or not.

Ideally, her mother would have handled this with care, dignity, and intelligence, but as many of you have come to realize from my previous writing, the woman I married and had children with was not capable of handling these matters in the way I believed they needed to be handled. It was up to me to make sure my daughter was well-educated and protected, at least on this important subject.

Using a principle I drew from the roughly 3,500-year-old Mosaic Law, but without reading it to her or lecturing her on the subject, I taught my daughter something simple: It is better to be rude and safe than polite and unsafe.

If she ever felt unsafe with anyone, she was to excuse herself immediately—no matter how abrupt or impolite it might seem—and come find me, her mother, or another well-trusted adult.

I also told her that even after taking precautions, if anyone tried to touch her in a way that made her uncomfortable—such as touching her sexual organs, buttocks, mouth, or breasts, or trying to expose their own body to her—she should fight. Bite, scratch, pinch, punch, and scream. Don’t stop fighting until you are free or help comes. Never second-guess the intuition telling you that this person means to do you harm. Get away, and I will handle the aftermath.

I’m happy to say that she has kept herself safe, and we had more than just that one conversation. Each time, it became easier than the last as her capacity to understand the full weight of the subject and its implications matured along with her.

This recent reflection has made me question, though, whether I have had sufficient conversations with her younger brother on the same subject—both to protect him and to raise him to respect and protect women and never perpetuate anything that could even resemble a nonconsensual relationship or sexual activity.

This has primarily been the result of my ex-wife alienating me from my son from the age of 12 onward. I did have many conversations with both of my children about protecting themselves from predators, but it’s clear to me now that there is more I need to say to him about respecting a woman and her boundaries.

I’m open to suggestions about what needs to be covered. Perhaps you will enlighten me in the comments.

The fact remains that these conversations are difficult and uncomfortable, but the responsibility falls to parents to teach their children to respect the boundaries of others—especially when it comes to sexual conduct.

No means no. That matters both in how clearly it is said and in how unequivocally it must be heard.