A moment in time

Get the fuck out! You’re a stupid young slut!

Those might have well been the words she said to me. I can’t remember what else was said. Just how I felt afterwards. I felt lost. Confused. Torn and hurt. How could my mother tell me these things.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I came home from school and I knew something wasn’t right. I was in 6th grade going to 7th. I lived in a 2 bedroom apartment with my mother, my sister and her fiancé. My mother and her best friend was in the living room and my mother just kept shaking her head and looking at me.

She kept saying her! And pointing her finger at me. What the fuck does he want with her! Her! She screamed getting more and more agitated. I stood there completely frozen! I had no idea what let alone who she was even talking about. I couldn’t have done anything wrong was all I could think. What was she even yelling about? I just got home!

Who was she talking about! Who is he? Why was she so mad? I looked at my mom’s best friend with questioning eyes. I begged and pleaded with my eyes. Please! Please! Somebody please tell me what is going on.

At this point my mother is adamantly calling me all the vile, horrible names you could think of! She’s starting to walk towards me with hate and anger in her eyes. I think she might hit me so I run. I run to my room and slam the door. Stay away from me I yell through the door. What did I even do to you! All I did was go to school and come back! What is wrong with you I yelled holding the door closed.

I’m trying with all my might to keep the door closed. I know if she gets to me she’s going to make good on her words and she’s going to kill me. I don’t even know what I did! I’m scared and crying and yelling for help. Some one please come get this crazy lady! I don’t want to die!

I hear my moms best friend In the hall way with her trying to calm her down. I hear her say “she couldn’t have possibly done anything!” “That baby is so scared! She doesn’t even know what is going on.” I heard her tell my mom to go back to the living room and to let her talk to me to see what the deal was.

My moms best friend comes to the door and asks if she can come in to talk. She says my mom is elsewhere calming down and that it was ok to let her in. She said I could trust that she wasn’t going to hurt me and she just wanted to talk.

I would have never in a million years would have guessed what she was about to say to me or the events that would follow her words.

She told me that my moms fiancé told her that he was attracted to me. He told her that he was with my mom because of how beautiful I was. He said that he was just waiting until I turned 16 and was going to make me his lady. He told her that every time we went shopping and he bought us new clothes that he would have me model them for him not to make sure they got properly but because it turned him on to see me changing. He told her he was in love with me and that he wanted to leave my mom eventually for me.

I was so confused. What the hell was she talking about! This grown ass man! What! My head was spinning. I couldn’t breathe! Is this why she was calling me a slut? Why she was saying all those mean nasty things! Why she wanted to kill me?

I told my moms friend that I thought that was disgusting! I told her I would never! I was 10! I didn’t even like boys let alone grown men! My grandma always told me to stay away from old men, she said they had worms and would put those worms inside of me! Why would I want a man that was going to give me the “worms”! All I wanted was for my mom to love me. I didn’t want her man!

I called my grandma and told her what was going on. I asked her to come get me because I was scared of my mom. I didn’t want to sleep in her house. I just heard her say she was going to kill me in my sleep.

I didn’t wait for my grandma to come. I ran all the way to her house! I was so winded and tired by he time I got to her front door all I could do was lay on the porch. I didn’t t even ring the door bell or knock. I curled in a ball in the middle of the porch and cried.

My grandma finally got to me and held me in her arms. She told me dude was sick and not to worry about my mom. She said she would come around eventually and that she loved me and would not kill me. I told her I didn’t believe her. She didn’t see the way my mom looked and she didn’t hear h the venom in her voice. She didn’t see the death looks she gave me.

I told her I never wanted to go back to my moms house and you know what she told me? She said I couldn’t stay there! Said I had no choice but to go home. That’s where I lived. She didn’t have room for me.

We finally talked about that “incident”. She told me dude was sick in the head. He was attracted to little girls but still never apologized to me about her actions.

My mom let me come home. We talked briefly. She never apologized. She never said she loved me again. She never hugged me. Never told me to have a good day or that I made her proud. She never bragged on my accomplishments, never “bigged” me up!

All her praises went to my sister. She became the golden child. Outside of feeding me she basically acted like I never existed. This went on for years!

When I turned 11 my mother met another man. We moved in with him a few weeks later. They were going to get married! Everything was fine until I came home from school one day.

I found all my stuff packed. She said they were moving. She told me she didn’t have any room for me where they were going.

I moved in with a school friend of mine. I stayed with her and her family until I graduated high school. Then I left for the military and never looked back.

Going through what I went through with my mom made me tough. It made me find all the strength I didn’t think I had. It made me resilient. It made boot camp feel like a self loving vacation. It made me feel like nothing worse could happen to me. It molded and shaped me into the woman and mother I am today. It made me love my kids unconditionally!