A Love Like No Other: Part One
Hopes, Thoughts, and Feelings of a First Time Mom
After days, weeks, or even months of pain and uncertainty, the moment is finally here! You are about to meet your firstborn child for the very first time.
So many thoughts and questions cross your mind...
What will he or she look like?
Will they be healthy?
Will this tiny human know who I am?
The answer to these questions is only moments away.
Aside from all the waiting and wondering, you find yourself overcome with emotions: happiness, anxiety, happiness, pain, happiness, fear, happiness, excitement. At least this is what it was like for me moments before I had my daughter.
From the moment that I saw those two pink lines pop up on the pregnancy test, I knew my life was going to change for the better. I knew that I was going to have to be responsible for another human being. I knew that I was going to have to make sacrifices for this tiny being that was now growing inside me. I knew that this was the beginning of the very best part of my life. I knew that I would know love like I've never known it before...
But nothing could have prepared me for the way my heart felt that day and for every day since her birth.
It's funny because most memories fade in intensity, they become less vivid as more and more memories pile up. But I still remember every flutter and every little nudge, the beautiful sound of her tiny little heartbeat, every painful contraction, the immense joy I felt once I finally had her in my arms, and the very way it made me melt when I saw her for the first time. I remember it all like it just happened a few seconds ago. I hope and I pray that these memories are ones that stay in the front of my mind for the rest of my life.
When I first laid eyes on this perfect soul sleeping next to me, I couldn't help but wonder how I could be so very blessed. I felt totally unworthy to be in her presence. I still do sometimes. I mean she's freaking absolutely perfect! I remember having this moment of panic after I first laid eyes on her, wondering if I could do this, wondering if I was good enough to raise her, if I am strong enough to raise her into a strong person. I think the reason I felt these things is because the world is not the beautiful place I once thought it was when I was a small girl, and I fear that I won't be able to raise her—to prepare her for the ugly side of the world. I took a total free fall when I discovered the dark side of the world, and I was raised very well...I had a broken past, but my adoptive mom, a woman who I am very proud to say taught me everything I know, raised me to be strong. But despite how I was raised, I still found myself up shit's creek a good many times, and if it wasn't for my mom I probably would have died. I hope my daughter doesn't find that world, or if she does, I hope she is smart enough to stay away from it. I guess what I'm saying is, I wish only great things to be in her future, only the best that the world has to offer.
It's every mother's fantasy to think that their little ones are destined for greatness. And as much as I try to remind myself that it's just a fantasy, there's this little voice in my mind that says, "That is on you, raise her right and she can change the world." Even now, even though she is not even nine months the old, I can see her potential. I can see that the world is at her feet just waiting to be discovered. Every little thing is new: new smells, new tastes, new feelings. It must be so scary not knowing what anything is when you first encounter it. But my daughter, she takes everything in stride with a bravery that is incomparable to anything I have ever seen. I hope she knows that I admire her bravery and that someday I hope I can be brave like that for her when she needs me to be.
It's kind of terrifying being a new mom. I mean, we never really know what we're doing in the beginning. Sure, we have an idea of the way that things should be done, but to be honest, most of us are really just winging it and hoping for the best, and at the end of the day all that matters is that everyone is healthy, happy, and safe.