A Letter to My Sister

Dear Sister,

Standing in the shadows wasn’t always pleasant, but I looked up to you. You were always full of creative ideas, visions and knew where you were headed. You always knew what you wanted and how to get it. I never had a plan for my life, I never knew exactly what I wanted. I just drifted through my life. You always had the lengthy Christmas list of wishes and I didn’t. I cannot remember a time that I ever wanted for anything. I never had a list, nor did I know how to create one. I still feel that way. I always felt like the outsider looking in at our life and everything that surrounded it.

I loved when mom would share her stories of us as small children. My favorite is how you would shake your crib and find ways to escape. How determined you were to be seen and heard, and how peaceful I was simply enjoying the things around me. I remember when we were very close, close because all we had was each other. As children we moved quite a bit. Military brats, that’s what they called us. You hated the instability, and I couldn’t wait for the next adventure. I lived for the flow and movement of life. We moved so much that we didn’t have time to make true friendships with others and I think that bothered you more than it did me, because I had you. You were enough for me. I loved you so much.

When we finally settled in a space, when movement became still, we grew apart. You found your friendships, your strength, and your inspiration. And I lost myself. Growing deeper into my own insecurities. Wandering, lost in someone else’s journey. I watched you soar, take off and become the person you wanted to be. You were determined to be something better and everything you touched turned to gold. But deep down I thought you were running from us; that we weren’t good enough for you. I think we were both jealous of each other and what each other brought to the table. I felt that you thought I was more loved, and I thought you wanted to run because you were ashamed of us, and had something to prove. We didn’t have much growing up, but I remember the smell of mom’s homemade bread and how she handmade our clothes, “designer” one of kind. I cherished those moments. As we got older the distance between us grew even wider and even today we cannot find our way back to each other. How could these two sisters find it hard to come together? What deep seated issues were brewing beneath the surface that would keep us separated in spirit? When we came together our conversations were difficult, harsh at times, even chaotic. It hurts to know that we have this great divide between us. Can it be fixed? Do you want fix it? I do. I miss you, I want us to be closer.

I know now that we were teaching each other lessons, lessons of perception, love and healing. Learning to work through our own childhood wounds and insecurities. Learning to understand each other’s point of view and to love and respect each other for our differences. That we are both beautiful, strong, loving and generous in our own ways. You are my heart. I miss you. Please know that you will always be the best part of me. I respect you. I love you. I want to share the time we have left with each other. You fill me up!

Love your sister,