A Letter to My Brother

Friday, April 28, 2018 will always be the day my life stopped and forever changed. The day where you were taken too soon. In one day, I had to face the fact that I would have to accept the unimaginable, leave my old life behind, and start looking at life from a different point of view, one where you were no longer with us. I had known no other life without you and it physically hurt to think about living this way.

It's been almost a year and a half since I rode in the passenger seat of Mom's car racing the clock to Sturgeon Bay, listening to her pray the entire way. While in my head, I pictured you and Mat laughing with each other in your hospital beds about how you guys cheated death. In my head, you guys were safe and sound. But every call to Aysia made things more confusing. One second she didn't know anything, the next you guys were found, then it was, "I'll let them tell you what happened." By "them," I thought she meant you guys. When we got to the hospital, they led us to a separate room. She didn't have to say anything, something clearly was not right, and I had this overwhelming feeling that you were gone. In that single moment, my world instantly came crashing down. I lost it.

They brought us back by you. I remember holding your arm while Mom held your hand. You were so cold, I felt sick. I tried to warm your arm up while begging you to open your eyes. I remember laughing to myself through the tears at your new seashell nipple tattoos. I prayed you'd wake up so we could laugh at how dumb, yet funny, those little seashells were... I screamed at the doctor to do more. This couldn't be a goodbye...

I always knew that we were lucky and had a good relationship because we were so close and acted more like best friends than siblings. We always joked about how we should have been twins because we were so alike. We even look like we could have been. I remember we would tell people you were my twin, home on leave, when you were underage just so you could have a drink or five with me at the bars. I feel blessed I got to spend 21 years with a brother who taught me so much, made me laugh until I cried, listened to all my stories, sat in silence to just chill, or drive around listening to music because we were bored. We could always get into something. I can't tell you how many times there has been a new song or story that I wanted to hear your response to, how much I miss you making fun of me or seeing your name pop up on my phone. I miss our late night phone calls after we both finished work, your hugs, mischievous grin, jokes, and laughter.

Over the past year and a half I have learned that the most cliché sayings are cliché because they are the truth. "It's the little things that mean the most," "you find out who your true friends are," and "don't take things for granted," are just a few that come to mind. Although most of these sayings I have found to be true, some however are not. Time does not heal all wounds. In my personal opinion, time heals nothing. Time does not bring you back or change what happened. I've figured out that as months go by, I only have learned different ways to cope with this tragedy and how to comfort those around me who have been affected as well. Time doesn't take the pain away. We only learn how to deal with it in better ways. It has become a part of us all.

In the short 21 years that I got to have such an amazing person in my life, you taught me so much. Although you were the younger one, I looked up to you.

When you're growing up, you picture certain life events and you were in every single one of them. The thought that you will not physically be at birthdays, holidays, graduations, and weddings are something that instantly bring tears to my eyes. The nieces and nephews that I will never get to meet, and the uncle my children will never get to have, are something I think about all the time. However, I find some comfort in knowing that you're watching over all of us and not missing anything. There are special days when something catches my eye that instantly reminds me of you and I like to think it's you letting me know that you're there. I've learned that time is a tricky thing. A year and a half seems like a long time some days, but then it seems like just yesterday I was on the phone with you. Each day passes, but I want to hold on because without you here with me, it gets harder. I can't wait to see you again someday and it will be like no time has passed.

I want people with siblings to give them that extra minute of their time or call them just to chat. Tell them you love them. Let them know how important they are to you. We really don't realize how lucky we are and we should cherish our loved ones while we have our time with them. I want you to know how much I cherished you and our relationship.

In the end, I hope that you're happy with the decisions I'm making, and I want you to be proud of me and the person I'm trying to become. You were truly one of a kind and one of the good ones. I miss you more than anything. I'll always love you.