5 Crucial Lessons to Make Your Blended Family a Success

I was 49 years old when I met my future with a new family, and wow, did it open up a whole new world to figure out.

Two years after a tumultuous divorce, I began seeing a twice-divorced older man with three grown children. We were only dating for six weeks when his first grandchild was born. Having no grandchildren of my own, I was unsure what to expect and how to act. Do I show love and affection for the baby, or do I stay on the outside looking in? I had no idea what my role was and how I should feel or act.

I was on shaky ground here. My last relationship was a twenty five year marriage. My previous life was routine and predictable. I was firmly entrenched in our extended family life.

When I came into this new relationship I knew we would both have baggage on each side. What I didn’t know was how to navigate it.

Relationships will be made or broken by how you handle these first few encounters.

The expectations are high from the beginning and you need to be aware of all existing relationships and respect them. Jealousy, spite, and childish behavior are quick ways to push this person right out the door and out of your life.

However, when approached from a mature, compassionate, and honest perspective, you lay the groundwork for a relationship built on mutual trust and respect.

My experience has taught me five valuable lessons to help you navigate this new relationship.

1. Respect the relationship they have with their children.

Do not expect their relationship to look how you think it should be. How the children and parent interact and show affection has been years in the making and has its own path forward.

Be engaged with his family. Be curious and attentive to them and take an interest in their lives. You are not just building a relationship with the parent; you are also building one with their children, and this includes any spouses of the adult children.

2. Understand you may not be included in all family events right away.

Family time is just that family time. You may be hoping/planning on being a part of the family, but don’t rush things. Your presence may still be taking an adjustment and that’s ok.

You may not know the whole picture of their parents’ breakup, and sometimes it takes a little longer for kids to accept their parent is moving on from mom or dad. It isn’t about you. It is rarely about you.

3. Respect the children’s other parent, the ex(es).

This is easier said than done in some situations, but you must do it. Stay above the fray no matter how difficult it can get. I know how hard it can be. My now husband’s first wife flirted with him right in front of me at a family event. I did not say a word. I let it go, and so did he. Fortunately for everyone it never happened again. Had I reacted the way I wanted to, things would have gotten ugly and I would not have made a good impression on anyone.

How I may feel about an ex doesn’t matter. What matters is how I feel about the kids. Children, even adult children, should not be front and center to their parent’s love life.

The same is also true for how you develop your relationship with the children. It is essential to remember you are not their parent. They already have a mom or dad. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a solid and loving relationship. Be there for them, listen to them, and support them. Remember it is about the children, not you. If you remember this, your relationship with them will blossom.

4. Show respect and expect respect. But don’t expect love.

You need to demonstrate respect and restraint at all times and accordingly, you should also receive the same. If this is an issue, give it some time and if it remains a problem, share your concerns away from the kids.

But never expect love in return. Love takes time, and honestly, that is how it should be. This new family dynamic is complicated and has many moving parts, all trying to find what works for everyone. You can not force love.

5. Do for them as you would do for your children

If you decide to make your relationship permanent, it is essential for you both not to show favorites. It gets easier as your relationships with the other children develops.

When you love someone, you want what they want. Having a loving, supportive, happy family is everyone’s goal. No one should be treated any differently.

My husband and I have been together now seven years and have five adult children, three in-laws, and six grandchildren between us. Since his first grandchild, we have been together and I consider her just as much my grandchild as his. I love every one of the kids/grandkids and want to see all of them succeed.

It has not always been easy. There have been challenges, disagreements, breakups, and blessings, but we are a family. Bigger and stronger than I ever imagined and I can’t imagine my life without each one of them in it.

It is possible to blend a family and come out better for it. But it takes effort on everyone's part. But as the newcomer to the family, a lot rests on your shoulders. When you implement these lessons you will be setting the tone and leading the way to establish bonds that will last a lifetime.