30Daysof Me

In 2017, I met someone special and fell into the idea of love. I had said many times before that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with one person, laughing at everything and talking about nothing. The kind of bond where you spend hours losing track of time enjoying one another's company laughing so hard you cry, and if an outsider were to pry into the conversation you'd swiftly reply with "oh nothing". We talked about travel, marriage, and children, and by October 2018 I gave birth to my best work, Aya, and felt like a complete failure. Two months prior I was getting ready to celebrate my baby shower when I was pulled to the side, "I can't do this, I cant wear multiple hats" is how it was explained to me, and a part of me knew that. I saw it coming a mile away when the hand holding stopped, intentionally sleeping separately began, and when I asked could we spend more time together was met with an "Ew, no". I tried to avoid the collision and somehow ended right in front of it. I had failed Aya and the idea of a perfect family, this was my fault, so I thought. For the next year and a half, I tried everything I could to prove I was good enough and in return, I was told how much of a poor mother I was, how selfish I was, etcetera all while under my roof. I mentioned relationship counseling and receive a swift no! At that moment I concluded it didn't matter what I did and I needed to let go and be the best co-parent and mother I could be...but how? Well, I didn't like me or even love me. I was walking into my 30s a tired single mom and everyone around me was happily married and expanding. I had a very sleepless night thinking, how can I change how I see me and celebrate me...30DaysTil30. For the next 30 days, I celebrated me leading up to my 30th birthday recorded it, and put it online. So many people thought I was crazy, insane really, and at first, I felt so stupid and embarrassed. How dare I celebrate me! By day 3, It was national bubble bath day, I almost quit right there when I hear my three-year-old, "mommy bath" she was holding the bubble bath I purchased, I get her into the bath and of course a jacuzzi tub is like a pool to her, shes laid out kicking water then stood up "mommy bubbles" my daughter enjoys bubble baths and the moment they hit the water she lets out a huge squeal, "mommy come here" demanding for me to climb into the beautiful chaos! I did! I got in and I watched her enjoy the whole thing without a single care in the world and I realize I not only need to do this for myself, creating a habit of putting myself first, treating myself to some self-love but I HAVE TO. Aya is my best work, her existence alone makes me important, to just tell her "love yourself" and not teach her or show her how would be terrible. She, as a woman will have her own battles with the world but not within herself, that whole month changed my perspective on me and how I treat me, think of me, love me, take care of, cherish me. I'll never go back to believing less than about me. I no longer wake up as the wrong person.