3 Ways to Tell if your Mother is a Narcissist

When coming to terms with who really raised me, it has taken years of therapy and education to really grasp what has happened to me and how my traumas have uprooted themselves in my adult life. Trauma can dictate how we view the world and how we are viewed in the world so it is important to be honest with ourselves. Sometimes that means taking a deeper look at who raised us, who taught us what to believe about the world and ourselves, who taught us who we are. For most of us that is our mother. Our mothers our 1st teachers. They either directly or indirectly teach us how to interact with the world around us. In my case, my mother was a narcissist by definition. I will discuss three issues that were more traumatic to me than I realized many years later.

1. Alienation. When I was growing up, when I would get into trouble for something, once of the first things my mother would do I pick up the phone and call everyone to tell them whatever I did in attempt to embarrass me. When I was really little, it worked. People in the family treated me differently, looked down on me and even in my success as an adult many years later, some family members still can’t shake the image that my mother has given them about me. A narcissist will alienate you from other family members in attempt to make you feel alone, and even so others can gas light you into thinking that something is wrong with you when the problem is with the person who gave them the information. You know you are dealing with other narcissistic family members as well when the only time they can acknowledge your mother’s narcissistic ways is when it affects them personally. This can be difficult to recognize immediately is you are in a codependent state and are seeking validation from other family members. This can feel like abandonment and even neglect depending on your age. Even years after my mother’s passing, my family and I were not able to get past the alienation she caused because the trust on both ends have been broken. This was intentional.

2. Conformity. The narcissist mother wants you to be like her. The moment you show signs of individuality, you become some sort of enemy. The concept of people having children and expecting them to be a “mini me” is outdated and in some cases, down right offensive. You may notice your mother will push you to dress like her, push in to a certain belief system like her or maybe the same career as her. In my case, I was supposed to act like her, talk like her, think like her and have the same interests as her. She is my mother so I did pick up on a lot of her character traits (speaking and mannerisms), but my interests and beliefs are very different and have always been. This created a lot of my traumas. There were times I could feel she was embarrassed by me which honestly felt worse than the times she said it. My interest was writing and music, but her interest was sports and socializing so that’s what she pushed in me. She wanted me to be liked by my peers when I just wanted music lessons. She wanted me to be more involved in sports because it would catch the attention of college recruiters not to mention it would help me maintain my weight. A narcissist in an intimate relationship may give their new partner all of the things that you wanted, love bombing as it is referred to. In my case, this was given to my younger sister. She was given the opportunity to pursue music, while not really being interested while I was forced to pursue sports in order to fulfill the “golden child/mini me” role to validate my mother.

3. Gas lighting. Have you ever felt like everything you said or did was an inconvenience to someone? Or every time you felt something that wasn’t “agreeable”, it was wrong? Have you ever seen something or heard something and then was told you did not? And told this so many times that after a while you begin to question yourself? Have you ever had something happen to you and someone you trusted told you that you wanted it or that you were lying? That is gas lighting. That is what a narcissistic mother or parent will do when confronted directly about something they have done to hurt you. They will make it your fault in order to protect their ego. If they question how they treated you, someone they gave birth to, they will have to come to terms with how they treated others. Gas lighting is how a narcissist can protect the reality that they have created for them to exist in. They would rather you not exist in it than for that reality to change. In my case, I was told I was not good at anything just because I didn’t excel at the things that my mother wanted me to excel in. It appeared that I wasn’t good at anything because I was not given the opportunity to pursue the things I truly desired and when I was able to pursue these things, my confidence was so low, it took years to rebuild. Gas lighting does a number on the mental health and is very detrimental to children. It becomes that inner voice we now hear as adults. That nasty voice that tells that we are nothing and that we will never succeed.

Overcoming a narcissist parent can be one of the hardest things a person can do because who wants to admit that someone who gave birth to them is no longer good for them? This is a question that only you can answer for yourself as an adult, with the help of a therapist, counselor, spiritual advisor or any professional that can help you process this.