3 Strategies to Prevent You from Killing Your Teenager

If you have teenagers you have likely had days where you thought that you might kill them — not literally of course. But in your imagination. And I want you to remember one thing: you are human. Just because you are a parent does not mean that you have the patience of a saint. Just because you are a parent does not mean that you have all the communications skills of a business person. Just because you are a parent does not mean that you don’t hurt inside.

So stop beating yourself up. Because that doesn’t help.

But what does help? What is going to stop you from thinking all of those horrid thoughts? Imagining all those gruesome scenes in your head?

If you need help figuring out how to not kill your teenager, you’re in the right place.

What qualifies me to advise anyone on how to not kill their teenagers?

***Ya, let’s call this a disclaimer, ok?***

Well, nothing special really. Who is really qualified to give this kind of advice?

Only someone that has been there, done that. And I have.

I have two teenagers. A boy and a girl. The girl is almost 19 (as I stop typing for a moment to give silent thanks) and she is still alive. The boy is 16. The jury is still out but I think he’ll make it to his 18th birthday, too.

I’ve been through all the “normal” teen stuff and then some.

For example, I’ve been through:

• backtalk
• skipping school
• won’t get up in the morning
• breaking curfew
• lying
• smoking
• drugs
• running away
• teen pregnancy
• …and more!

Now, I’m not going to tell you that I’ve done the right thing every time because I’m pretty sure I haven’t. So don’t mistake this article for a “how to raise your teenager right” type of thing. It’s not. I’m just going to try to give you some advice on how to not kill your teenager and how to make it out alive yourself.

Just so we’re clear on that.

#1 Get a lock on your bedroom door

I know this sounds horrible but you need to keep those teenagers safe and you need to keep yourself sane and sometimes the only way to do that is to get away from them. And I’m telling you, teenagers are like bees — they will hover around your head buzzing in your ears until you feel like something is going to explode.

So, before it is your head — or theirs — go! Go into your room and lock that door. And make sure it is a good lock because I am not lying to you when I tell you that my daughter has picked a lock just to continue a fight! And get a good door while you’re at it. Something they can’t kick holes in. Yes, we have had doors with holes at the bottom.

And another reason to lock your door is to protect your stuff. Not all teenagers will steal big bad things like prescription drugs but pretty much every teenager goes snooping through your dresser drawers and in your closet while you’re at work or at the grocery store. Ya, they do. Where do you think they found the condoms that they were using as water balloons to throw at the neighbors’ dog? Ya, you’re missing some.

So get a big ol’ lock for your bedroom door and make sure you are the only one with the key!

#2 5 special words to prevent death by arguing

I went to a program once called the Parent Intervention Program (PIP) that was taught at the local Addictions Foundation for Youth chapter. It was pretty awesome. I mean, not awesome that I had to be there because the fact that I had to be there put some pretty murderous thoughts in my head, you know? But it had some great information.

Now, if you have teenagers, you already know that they can argue like a politician at his last debate. And they love it. They should make it a high school sport. Oh ya, it is — the debate club! But calling it the debate club makes it so uncool. If they would just call it the arguing club they’d get a lot better turn out.

Anyway, ya — they love to argue. They love it so much that you will never win. You might think that you have won a few but you didn’t. They just got bored. Or their favorite show was coming on so they had to leave the room. Or they wanted something from you on the weekend so they decided to give you this one.

You won’t win.

But that doesn’t mean they will give in easily. If they are in the right frame of mind they might go all night long and the next thing you know you’ll be on the way to work in the morning but they’ll just continue it via text. It’s not done until they decide it is done.

You need to remember this very important thing though:

It takes TWO to argue!

And if you don’t argue they can’t win and you get peace and quiet!

How do you not argue? Simple — remember these 5 words:

• Yes
• No
• Wow
• Ok
• Whatever

Memorize them, use them, and you WILL love them!

What do you do with them? You answer everything single thing they say with one of those words. EVERY SINGLE THING THEY SAY!

It will drive them nuts. And eventually, they will give up and walk away.

And yes, it is as amusing as heck!

Imagine this:

Teenager: Mom can I have $50 to go to the movies?

Mom: No

Teenager: Awe — but Billy get’s $50 from his mom every day almost.

Mom: Whatever

Teenager: I promise, I’ll mow the lawn and clean my room and stay in all weekend.

Mom: Wow

Teenager: Does that mean I can have $50?

Mom: No

Teenager: What? That’s not fair! I hate you!

Mom: Ok

Teenager: Ok, I can have the money you mean?

Mom: No

Teenager runs from the room pulling hair and mumbling under breath.

Now you tell me — isn’t that better than having to lock yourself in your room?

#3 Create a playlist of songs you can sing outloud and plug in to your phone

Yes, just like they do.

Most teenagers are attached to two things — their phones and their music player. You never see them without them. I think my teens have their earphones stuck in their ears because I haven’t seen either of them without them in years.

So here is what you do. You wear it all the time. ALL the time (so get comfortable earphones!).

When they are nice and speak to you without that tone (and you know what tone I mean), hear them and respond. When they start using that tone, turn the sound on and start bopping around. Even if you can hear them, do not respond. If they start to yell to be heard — SING! The worse your singing voice is the better.

Now, I have to warn you, they are going to try to get in your line of vision. So you’re going to have to dance. I meant it — dance like Michael Jackson and sing loudly. If they grab at your arm, sing louder and dance wilder. Get some major hip thrusts in there. Heck — grab things! Nothing like a good old MJ crotch grab to make your teenager back off really fast!

Eventually, they will figure out that if they talk nicely, you hear them. If they don’t…

…well, they won’t like what happens.

I hope you enjoyed this fun and humorous look at parenting. The thing is, these tricks do work! If you want to support my writing you can share on social media or go read some of my other articles. These ones might be of particular interest to you:

How to Tell if Your Teenager is Lying

Don't Let Your Teen Become a Statistic