105

Writing has always been intimate for me, maybe it's the way I write, or the way my stories seem to sound made up; someone asked recently, why am I writing this on plain ol internet when I can write it in a book; they were referring to entry 104. I replied " He is not my story: I am " and all the doubt that had started in the back of my mind, was put to bed. I am a great writer, always been; I've written since I could spell, in both languages; Spanish and English. I wrote stories, related to experiences I had growing up, but I've never had the balls to write MY story and doing so now, is the most amazing feeling I've felt in a thousand years.

My name is Lucinet Luna Aponte, I am 31 years old, I live in Brooklyn, NY, I am the mother of two boys, ages; 5 and almost 4. The mother of my kids, had our oldest Carter, and I had our youngest Tyler via Intrauterine Insemination or IUI which in our case was performed in a clinic after acquiring sperm from a sperm bank, both of our donors are not anonymous, which means when they turn 18, they can seek a whole new world they also belong to, that decision was important to us as a family.

Sitting in an office at the age of 16, being told that I possibly would never be a mother didn't make me feel anything other than comfort, in my 16 year old, full of drama, tired of hurt mind I wasn't sure if I would ever escape him, so being told that I would possibly never have a seed in my uterus somehow felt comforting to my young naive soul.

At 26 when my then wife and I decided to begin our journey to parenthood, I was afraid, I was full of doubts and the day those exploded in front of her, was the day we learned that we were expecting; after 4 tries, after 4 negatives that were eating at her soul, every time she would look at me, I wanted to shield her from the disappointment, the painful reality that parenting might not be for us: my mind is a base of all angles, I think of all possible scenarios and then I make sure I feel prepare for the worst of them, that is how I protected myself, and how I dealt with life, because I refused to keep getting hurt, so I held my heart so far away from it's chambers, I held it hostage surrounded by an armor. While she felt every single tear drop, while she struggled with insecurities and while she kept faith in a process that was based in Science.

We were in the car, I looked at her and I said to her already teary eyes; "maybe we should get a surrogate" I felt her heart break by just starting into her eyes and I felt like an ass. Later that day, the first positive test and I could tell by the joy in the house that she felt alone in the marriage, I had told her that " she might be broken, so let's find someone who is not " those words were not the ones that came out of my mouth but those are the words she heard.

I learned about emotional mirroring long after that, but as I learned I understood that I had projected all of my scars into her, instead of supporting her through such an intense process, I had completely vanished mentally, so it was not surprising that when Carter was born, I felt like an outsider. I was the first one to held him in my arms, I cut the cord and I stared into an ocean of love, I can't say I didn't feel anything, I did, I felt love, pureness and joy; while seeing her holding him and finding her motherly instincts in that labor room, I searched for a bond, a connection, some sort of labeling emotion that my first born had entered this world.

Physically I was there until Carter turned 10 months and I needed out. I stood with my mother for a few weeks, trying to figure out why it was so hard to connect with a baby, why was it so hard for me to understand that our biological laws are stronger than a bond? but then they are not, it took me so long and it hurt her so much, but I finally gave in and let love fill the gap and once we were back, the need to experience biology like she had filled me.

At 27, I had a test done where they check your Fallopian tubes, your uterus and all your reproductive system before doing the first run of IUI; I was in a bathroom, left to change out of my clothes, there was a mirror and I stared at Lucy, so afraid, terrified that the Dr would say the same thing I heard 11 years prior because my heart needed to find my motherly instincts, and let me clarify; I was getting pregnant to feel connected to not only my then wife, but to myself, after you hold your heart so far from reality as possible, you become numb, and I needed desperately to feel.

Looking back Carter was the first wrecking ball to hit my heart, he cracked it open, Tyler was the second wrecking ball, he made my heart go back to it's chambers; becoming a mom, warmed my heart but it also triggered the scariest part of myself to come out and play, becoming a mom was the reason I climbed to the mountain top, my Spiritual journey was the reason I walked down.

If you are wondering, she is called mommy and I am mom.