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Mountain's Top

By Lucinet Luna - The Author Published 3 years ago 3 min read
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Photo by David van Dijk on Unsplash

I am sitting in a dim lit living room at 6 in the morning, I am supporting my close friend in being the best version of herself, for her. We agreed we would wake up at 5:45 this morning and work on things, for her that is catching a moment of solitude while catching up at work: for me, I needed quietude.

There is this mountain that I am starting at, contemplating on its size and the endurance it might required - the last time I was on a mountain top, was for someone I didn't even know; this time I am about to climb a mountain because I don't want to be afraid of the pain, or the horrific feeling that will be to spend this year's holiday season without the one person I didn't picture living without; my dad.

I am a planner, I like to have multiple colors on my calendar, I associate colors to different things, people and actions; my personal color is lilac, I have an unspoken rule with myself and I hold myself accountable for it, there must be lilac every day; and trust me, there are days that literally rob me from doing what I originally planned with myself but I try to push myself, even if lilac is a quick sticky note before bed.

I've stared at November for a couple of days now, and I can't bring myself to start inputting colors; November is dad's birthday, the very first we will spend without him.

" Dad, what color would you like to be in my calendar? "

" Why am I a color on your calendar ? "

" Just so I can know when we plan something, is like a a reminder of planning "

" Orange; so you get reminded to bring me Burger King fries "

I laughed and he smirked, and we continued watching the Yankee's game quietly.

As I look up at the mountain's top, I feel the overwhelming feeling of shutting down, of going MIA and punishing myself for feeling this way, and though I understand that he should be celebrated, I am still dealing with his absence. Yesterday, I pushed my therapist away because as the emotions start to bubble up, and the days of November get closer, I can feel my head pushing up as the water rises to my nostrils, and my body starts convulsing. My therapist, stood strong on how she handle this meltdown, she told me truths, gentle as a feather but stern as a Pastor, she didn’t push me to do anything, instead she said truths, and allowed me time and space for me to honor my emotions, she held my hand but did not guide me, she was there but I was held accountable for my actions.

90% of me wanted to shut down, like I did in June, Father’s day was the worst fight I’ve ever been in, it really fu&* me up. It did something to my shining soul, it did something to who I am, and I've not been able to walk away from the captivity of letting him go, unselfishly. Lilac yesterday was to write, but I changed lilac to an hour long walk instead because I needed to breathe, I needed my emotions to settle, I needed to know that I had all the tools I needed to climb to the mountain's top, I am presently trying to be as gentle with myself as I can possibly be, I am giving myself time to honor my emotions, and I am getting closer to understanding that though the mountain might leave me sore, and it might cut deep wounds, I will get to the top, and when I do, I hope Peace is there to welcome my need to let his spirit be free, let his spirit find home.

grief
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About the Creator

Lucinet Luna - The Author

I've written two books; I decided to keep my blog, because healing is like an onion and I want to see the process, I want to be able to come back and read about all these layers and feel as proud as I am right now.

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