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What should I do if my child "doesn't fit in"?

Children's peer interaction

By Flagler DanzigPublished 4 months ago 10 min read

What should I do if my child doesn't fit in?

Xunzi said, "A person cannot be born without a group." Peer relationships play an important role in children's self-development and social adaptation as an interpersonal relationship established and developed in the process of interaction between individuals of the same age or psychological developmental level.

However, in today's society, children may encounter such problems in their peer interactions -

One day, Qian Qian, who attends an elementary school in Nanjing, asked her mother tentatively, "Can I change the brand of my phone watch?" Faced with her mother's puzzled look, she explained, "If I use this brand of phone watch, I will have no friends!"

A mother found that her child was always isolated when playing with peers in the neighborhood. After playing for a while, her child "left the group" and ran to the side to play by himself

Whether the child is worried about having "no friends" or the parents are worried about their child being "isolated", these may all point to the problem of the child "not fitting in".

So, as parents, what should we do?

Children "do not fit in", parents can guide them from these 4 aspects: 1.

1. Respect nature, positive guidance

First of all, let's see if it is reasonable to define the child's behavior as a misfit, which takes into account the child's innate characteristics. Many parents see that their children are introverted and withdrawn, do not like group activities, or interaction with peers, and seem particularly passive, and cowering, they feel very worried, and afraid that their children do not fit in, affecting the healthy development of body and mind.

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Some children are naturally introverted and like a quiet, solitary environment, doing what they like, having their world, and playing with others instead will be uncomfortable and relatively passive. Such children interact with people in the process of consuming energy.

Being alone is the most natural and energy-accumulating process. For this type of child, do not deliberately suppress and change his natural attributes.

Parents should not force their children to give up their preferences, to cater to their partners, to play in a group, but to maintain their qualities, to follow the child's nature to guide them.

Parents can start by cultivating their children's interests, helping them find areas they like and are good at, and through their efforts and excellence, exude their unique temperament and attract like-minded partners. The child will also be more confident, which will help him to open up and be more active.

2. Positive discipline to enrich the child's sense of security

Some children who do not fit in are timid and weak because they do not feel enough love. In this way, if parents or teachers often treat their children in a very harsh way in life, giving them too much blame and negative energy, it will only aggravate their insecurity and loneliness, which is not conducive to correcting their withdrawn character.

For this kind of child, parents and teachers should give him more attention and affectionate care, and create a harmonious, relaxed, and happy family atmosphere.

Only by allowing the child to feel fully loved and enhance the sense of inner security, the child can build up a sense of trust in relatives and friends, and the outside environment, and can get along with small partners.

It is very important to love your child by giving him or her full freedom within the limits of safety and certain rules. The company's main goal is to create a free and harmonious psychological environment for the child by not being too demanding and controlling, and by encouraging him to explore and try.

3. Overcome dependence and develop your child's ability to be independent

Some children do not get along because they are too dependent on their parents and lack the basic ability to be independent. This is mainly due to the parents' excessive substitution in daily life, resulting in children losing the opportunity to exercise themselves and affirm themselves.


No matter what they can't do, or don't want to do, always rely on their parents, no idea of their own, such children will not be welcomed by their friends; children themselves will also feel resistance to leave their parents and enter a new activity environment because he is used to living under the protection of parents.

This is a warning to all parents to love their children in moderation and encourage them to do what they can do, and allow them to exercise.

For example, you can wash your socks and underwear, help your mother with simple chores, and so on. In this process, his hands-on ability and sense of responsibility will be enhanced, and he will also feel pleased with himself for completing this one thing independently, and gradually build up self-confidence. These abilities and self-confidence are very helpful for children to integrate into the group in the future.

4. Create a good environment for interaction

The behavior of parents will influence their children implicitly.

If the parents themselves do not often deal with people, when they have time to stay at home, in a closed state, the child will also be affected. At the same time, due to the lack of an interpersonal environment, children lack the experience of interaction with people, and it is difficult to learn the experience and skills in interaction.

It is up to parents to try to create a good interaction environment for their children, such as taking them to parks, squares, and other crowded places, especially to increase the time they spend with their peers.

After leaving home, children are no longer the "little emperor" who can run amok, if they do not abide by the rules of play among partners, and are selfish and inconsiderate of others' feelings, they will also be rejected by their peers.

Therefore, in these practical experiences, parents should pay attention to teaching children the correct behavior and rules of interaction, such as first come, first served, do not compete for other people's things, how to treat others, etc., children are more educated, and will be more popular in the interaction.

Children who have been exposed to their parents' ways of treating people and getting along with them, and who have a good environment and opportunity to practice them themselves, will adapt more smoothly to group activities and learn to interact with others.

What's the harm in not fitting in for a while?

Many parents fear that their children will be left alone, resulting in an introverted personality.

Psychologists divide people into introverts and extroverts, not saying that they are good or bad, they are just different tendencies in our personalities. What's more, the world is fair. Your character and ability are the final trump card. Instead of worrying about whether your child will fit in or not. How about focusing on nurturing your children?

A writer said in an interview that when he was a child he was actually a rather stunted and weak child, and when he played games, his peers usually didn't like to play with him, and he didn't do well in school. So, he was very lonely throughout his childhood. But he had a mother who loved reading and took him to read group books since he was young, and he found a lot of fun in them. When he was criticized or rejected, he looked for a place to read books, there are gods and monsters, and magic, is very interesting, he can immediately go back to his world to find fun, look down on the encounters he suffered, think that these things he encountered, the book has all these, and there are greater difficulties, and therefore there is nothing to get over. I can't say whether it was forced, or his own choice, or conformity, when he was in his spiritual world, he always felt clear and happy. Gradually this became a way of life for him.

Isn't it great that everyone can live for themselves and live the way they want to?

We often say, "Son, I want you to grow up to be what you want to be, not what I expect you to be."

Then let go of your anxiety and accept your child as he or she is.

A child who is truly strong and healthy has a light inside him. He will always fellowship with people who are truly worth knowing or realizing his worth in his way. Instead of realizing their value by befriending all kinds of people with all kinds of faces, and they do not fear being alone.

Psychologist Schachter believes that conformity reduces fear. Strong people are confident because they are good and don't have to eliminate their fear by fitting in.

What are the benefits of not fitting in?

When out of step with everyone, many people feel helpless. But over time, it may be possible to realize that there is a good side to being different.

A social science study shows that being a weirdo, or being out of step with society, can inspire extraordinary creativity.

Sharon Kim, who teaches at the Johns Hopkins University School of Business, says she often notices that some people attribute their creative accomplishments to being a loner or rebel.

Kim wanted to find out if social outcasts were more creative, so she decided to test the theory.

She invited several volunteers to her lab to complete several tests. Before the tests began, Kim and her colleagues told some of the participants that they had not been selected for the "group. There was no such thing as a "group," but Kim and colleagues wanted to make them feel excluded. Another group did not receive the same "rejection.

King asked participants to complete two tests on paper. One of them asked them to answer what could link a group of seemingly unrelated words together (e.g., fish, mine, and boom, and the answer was "gold. (Translator's note: Because goldfish, gold mine, gold rush).

Another test was to draw an alien from a planet very different from Earth.

The results showed that those who had been rejected performed better on both tests.

In the alien one, the participants who were not rejected drew standard cartoon Martians, while those who were rejected drew aliens that were extremely different from humans - all body parts grew on one side only, or their eyes ran under their noses.

According to the three independent judges, the rejected participant's drawing was more creative. King judged that there thus appears to be a link between rejection and creativity. This creativity advantage was only seen in participants who had an "isolated sense of self," meaning they already felt they did not belong to a group. In other words, being a weirdo opens your mind to new ideas.

If a child doesn't fit in, we need to look at the reasons why the child doesn't fit in. If it is a character flaw that is causing him to be rejected by the group, then we need to actively guide and help the child develop good character and habits. If the child is just rejected by a small group that looks very bright. That doesn't, it's not a bad idea to be alone. Being alone is a much deeper form of self-growth.

The most important thing is to help your child find his true self and become himself. Do not follow the crowd, do not blindly submit to it. Have good character, have an opinion, and have independent thinking.

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About the Creator

Flagler Danzig

The talent is 1% inspiration adds on 99% sweat, certainly, does not have that 1% inspiration, in the world all sweat to put or bring together also only is the sweat!

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