What Am I Even Doing?

Hi so my name is Jordan, I’m a freshman in college and I have no idea what I’m doing. And before you start with all the “oh sweetie nobody knows what they’re doing” crap lemme just say I /really/ don’t know what I’m doing. See I was homeschooled my whole life. Not the homeschooling where I live in the attic and only wear the clothes I make from fabric I wove with the silk I milked from my worm garden kinda homeschooled, but I was still homeschooled. I was used to waking up around 9 or 10, grabbing breakfast, going back to bed and maybe flipping through some assignments only to finish them like the day before they were due without any hang ups. See I had classes online and classes in person, but they only ever met once a week.

Now stuff is so much different. I wasn’t ready for the adjustment at all. The first major thing was like the 8:30 classes. I thought it wouldn’t be bad cause like I did the same kinda stuff when I was working, get up at 7 get dressed and ready and then be at work by 8 and things were fine. But I was so very very wrong. So, like sure yeah, I get up at 7:50 every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and I get to my 8:30 with plenty of time. But I’m so freakin tired it’s not even funny. So yeah that’s the first thing, the next thing that like totally rocked my world was the fact that most of my classes meet more than once a week! I was in no way, shape, or form ready for that. It’s like as soon as I finish one assignment they turn around and give me 3 more! Then professors seem to expect you to know all the stuff they’re teaching you from high school. This was the biggest problem in my math class.

So, I’m in the honors college, right? So, there are certain levels of classes I have to take in order for them to count to my degree. So, from asking people most were like “oh take 125 liberal arts approach to calculus, it’ll be easy.” And me being the dumbass that I am did it knowing full well I didn’t even remember basic algebra. Needless to say, I didn’t do too well in that class. I was so stressed about it and so freaked out that I would fail that I had mental break downs almost every night, calling my parents, even threatening to kill myself because I was failing, and I wasn’t prepared for that. I mean of course there were other things going on to push me into a suicidal spiral, things like depression, separation anxiety, change of life, and the realization that I was actually still alive at all. I honestly didn’t think I was gonna live to be 18. But that’s another story for another day.

Anyway, the math thing really messed me up. I got a 46 on my first test and from that point on it was pretty much useless for me to stay in the class but I did for a while and I worked really hard to bring my grade up. Which also worked but it wasn’t enough to keep my GPA where I wanted it, so I withdrew from the class. After that things started feeling a little bit more manageable, I haven’t cried myself to sleep and I haven’t had any more major panic attacks. I mean I’ve been seeing a therapist too now so that’s also what’s been helping but I know the math really freaked me out. I’ve kinda had to learn to be ok with not being ok and with failing. Not something I really had to worry about before in high school. Anyway, those are my major adjustments when it comes to academics. There are lots more changes I’ve been through but I’ve reached the minimum 600 words for this piece so that’ll have to come in the next installment.