Heart Uninhibited

I am a teacher by trade. Teaching is my heart even when it isn’t. Growing up, I never had any ambition about what I wanted to be. I really did not think the turn of the century would come. I would have finished with college, and the world would end. Ironically, there was a Y2K scare. I wasn’t worried about that part. Now I am getting off-topic. So, the only thing I really ever considered to be was a racecar driver. I was not exactly serious about that either. In my high school years, I had one teacher tell me that he thought I would make a good teacher as he saw me help someone during study hall. I never thought about it; however, college was just around the corner, and I figured I should go. I wanted to get out of the house, and I did not want to have the “I don’t want to go to college” talk with mom. I began college as an education major.

As I was getting ready to head to college, I carefully decided what I would teach. I did not really feel comfortable with littles. To teach high school, I had to choose a subject to teach. English? Well, I am not too good with literature. I like it, but those feeling were not reciprocated as evidenced in my reading scores. I would really enjoy history, but that would involve too much reading. Science is cool, but it is not really my thing. Math it is. Only one course really made me want to change my major, yet I did not. Three years into the education program, I realized I had to get serious. I was nearly finished and I had not given much thought to finishing and actually becoming a teacher. Did I even want to do that? God and I had a talk. I pleaded with him that if teaching is what I should be doing, then give me a love for teaching. That was the semester I really started to get involved in real classrooms. Wouldn’t you know it? I really loved teaching.

When I graduated, I spent some more time praying about where I should teach. There were many options to consider. I landed a teaching job. In fact, I stayed in that school for thirteen years. I was able to try many things that I never thought I would want to try. I am glad I did them, even the things I did not actually like. I am just not coaching or referee material. There were a couple of years that I thought I could retire there. I was confident in my skills, and I felt good about what I was doing. I loved it. In the last few years at that school, I was wearing down and not doing so well. Even some of the students who had been around for years started to notice the changes in me. I took my leave there and transferred to another place, another culture, another life.

In my new post, there are many wonderful things. I still love that place though I am not there and it has changed much. During my first year there, I experienced extreme embarrassment.

I grew up in America, but spending over a decade in another culture and then returning brought on a reverse culture shock. I was not fitting in well. My students took advantage of that. It happened that there was a perfect storm of students that year. Even other teachers could attest to the difficulty of the group, but I am the only one who could not manage. One day, the entire group was wilding out. I was trying to roll through it even though I could sense the disaster. At one point, a student said that he believed we should get the principal.

The next period was lunch. An announcement was made at lunch of a schedule change. My class, which had just handed me the single worst day of my teaching career, would return to my room with me. The school had video cameras for safety, and everyone was aware of this. The cameras were not hidden. During lunch, the principal viewed the recording of that period before lunch. He called the students in to have them watch their actions and record the personal wrongs they did. Those were difficult enough things to face live, but the shame and embarrassment did not come until I was watching the video and seeing the horrible behaviors that I missed. So much more was going on than I was aware of. The fact that several colleagues have and would see the video caused additional and continued embarrassment. They did not ridicule or mock me or any such thing. I did that to myself. What a poor excuse for a teacher! I was defeated, but I did not accept defeat. I bore through the rest of that school year. I was determined to not let those events discourage me because I believed I had it in me to be a good teacher. The next year was better, but I lost my will to continue. I resigned after that year, but I was asked to come back. I ended up teaching part-time or full-time for the next three years. By then, I was so anxious and burned out that I left teaching in a classroom to pursue a new field entirely. I could not break into that field. Besides that, I still love teaching.

I tutor now. I love my job for the most part. When asked if I will teach again, I tense up and say “I won’t say I will never teach again.” I still wear the scars and suffer the results of those difficult years. In spite of it all, I love teaching.