Graduation

The day had taken on the surreal aspects of a nightmare. I tried to convince myself it’s fine, everything’s fine. But it wasn’t fine, the growing anxiety meant nothing was fine.

I wiped my hands anxiously on my gown and then looked down. Being so nervous had made them cold and clammy, the hands of someone that perhaps had just died. I checked to make sure my gown was still straight, not a wrinkle in sight. Mom said this morning that the gown was perfect. I wanted to keep it that way just for her.

Names were just starting to be called. There are two rows in front of me. I silently counted seventeen people. My leg began to shake as first Adams, Andrews, and then Baker was called. Only fourteen in front of me now.

My heart began to pound like an abused snare drum in my chest, causing my ribs to rattle slightly. I stole a glance to my left then to my right, checking to see if anyone other than me heard the noise my rib cage was making. So far so good, no one seemed to notice.

There was silence for a moment before Bowman and Brown rose. Fear’s long arm was stretching out to me slowly, agonizingly slowly, making me wait, my mind growing numb with fear and anticipation almost to the point of insanity. I was quickly losing my grip of death on all of my emotions for there were now only twelve people ahead of me.

Great God Almighty in the Heavens please hurry up! My frantic mind screamed. I cleared my throat, a knot the size of a golf ball seemed to have somehow lodged itself there, and sat straight as a pole in my cold and uncomfortable seat. Casey, Clair, and Cordan stood up respectively like puppets on strings. My stomach twisted and contorted itself into a pretzel as I counted down: nine people left.

It’s fine, it’s all fine, I tried to tell myself. Oh, God, someone please hurry this up! This has been nothing but a nightmare, and I just want to get this over with!

Somehow I had enough control over my mind to let it stray back to this morning. First, there’d been the fact that I’d almost overslept. Then there’d been no hot water left for me. The car wouldn’t start and the van got a flat tire. The wind had tossed my hair around until I looked like some mad, raving thing. And what about my friends? We can’t forget them. That was, I thought, the worst. Everyone looked so sad, so miserable. How could I say goodbye to these people? These people, some of whom I had known nearly thirteen years, were like family to me. How was I to go on knowing this was the end of us? Who was I going to turn to? Who was I going to move on with? Where were we all going to go from here? What lay in store for us after today? Who’s going to stay in touch and who’s not going to? Will they write? Will they visit? Will I ever see these people again? My mind was going on overload, barely keeping up with everything swirling through it. And still time ticked slowly on. Fear’s arm reaching ever closer and closer. The anxiety growing so strong it was nearly smothering.

And now as Douglas, Eriks, Everette, and Franks were beckoned, my whole life seemed to flash before my eyes. Memories and voices and faces whizzed through my mind like a speeding train. My head swam and I swear I saw little birdies flying in circles about my head. I was going to pass out in a minute and there was nothing I could do. This was the end of my life as I knew it to be. This was it.

Tick. Tick. Tick the clock chanted. Garrison, Gordon, Gray, and Greggston were summoned.

One! My mind screamed at me. One person left! I peered into my lap; my fingers had worked themselves into small fleshy origami shapes. I unfolded them and gasped silently as the realization of the moment hit me like a wrecking ball. I was next. There was no one ahead of me, I was next.

I was frozen like a deer caught in headlights for what seemed an eternity. I felt very much alone and in agony, my heart and my brain feeling as though either one might explode, chunks and bits flying off into a thousand directions as millions of pieces of my anatomy became exposed. My name was called. The voice calling me sounded muddled, as though cotton was wedged in my ears. My heart leapt into my throat and for one terrifying moment I was positive I wouldn’t be able to stand.

My eyes scanned and searched and just as I was about to give up, they found what they were looking for. I stood like some old, rusty piece of machinery goosed into life by a sudden jolt of electricity. My heart leapt again, this time with relief, joy, and reassurance. There was my strength. There was my mom, sitting in the top row of bleachers, looking down on me, showing me she’s proud of me. And that expression of pride mixed with love gave me the strength to confidently stand and accept my High School diploma with a bright smile on my face and excitement twinkling in my eyes.