Dissertation process

Not everything can be easy. I have told myself that quite often now during my dissertation process. It does not help though.

My master’s program was easy and even though I knew a PhD would be different, I never thought it would be this hard. Especially when 2.5 years of classes were easy. I got straight As. The fuss process is a whole other ball game though. You always hear how difficult working on a PhD is, but I guess having the classes’ part be as easy as It was kind of made me comfortable.

They say the time in class prepares you for the dessert process, but I honestly disagree. They say your dissertation is a test of the last 2.5 years. I wholly disagree. I was so excited to be done with classes finally and start my dissertation because I love research and getting to apply it. Now I have no clue why I would ever have been excited for this.

What I get from my chair when I try to talk to her about how hard this is: if it were easy then everyone would do it. Or she compares me to someone else, mostly her. Completely annoying and no help at all. Her teaching process completely clashes with my personality. I am getting to a point I do not know if I can continue to work with her. Very disappointing since I absolutely love the rest of the professors at my school. You know not everyone meshes well together and sometimes you must do what is best for you. Even if that means changing your dissertation chair a year into work on it. I think I am at the point that may have to happen.

Yes, this process is difficult for a reason. Yes, it will be worth it when it is done.

But this process moves fast. The expectations are a bit too high. And every time I try to use what I learned in class I am told it is wrong. That is part of the issue; how can all the work I did in 2.5 years be wrong? Confusing much? Yep very.

Yes, they did a great job preparing us for this process.

My program is 7-week classes, and it can be overwhelming. It is very much at your own pace but sometimes you can get so caught in a great idea, that it gets away from you. Or your chair. There is also the fact they expect a fully written literature review draft in one week. A twenty page or more literature review. This is your dissertation, so everything also needs to be cited. Do you have any idea how many articles that would take? Yep. I was dreading the class that focused on the literature review. One week for it because it is your dissertation. No one told me this will be the hardest and worst experience of your life.

I am grateful for the experience and other professors I trust and can talk to.

I will admit this experience is shaping me in a better writer and researcher. It will open job opportunities and allow me to make a difference in the world and my field.

I just must get past finalizing my dissertation draft so I can do my defense proposal.

Now I am on my third try to redo my dissertation. Week 1 currently of trying to do it and so far, it is not going great.

Each day is a new day and I think I will be adding in mindfulness techniques to help get through this.

No one can really understand this process unless you are going through it. And even then, if it looks different for you; you may not get my journey.

It is hard, but I will get through it.

I will finish my doctorate.

It will be worth it.

Or so I keep telling myself.