A Never Ending Curiosity

At the age of 31, I am entering the second semester as a college freshman, for the second time in my life. A couple years after high school, I started taking a few college classes. Due to issues of affordability and the fact I was already working for a company I loved, I dropped out after the second semester. I am now enrolled with a passion and drive to complete the coursework to attain a bachelor's degree along with a plan to cover the costs of my education. While there are many differences between me and many of my new classmates - in age, life experience, autonomy, etc. - there are also many similarities. I have entered into my studies with hope and excitement for what my future holds, but also with many questions about the choices I am making and if what I am doing now will lead to what I want to do later. As like most things in my life, this is a mix of my own hard work, timing, and great privilege. I see this experience as the next “step” in my life, maybe even a turning point in my intellectual journey - one that has been mostly informal. I am coming into what could be considered a new chapter of academics and being able to share myself with others in an intellectual sense. With that, I am putting a lot of thought into how I got where I am today. At every point in my life, including now, I believe I am exactly where I should be. This is despite my doubts about the timing compared to many other people and the challenges I have faced in regards to pursuing a path of furthering my education. After sharing the news about my enrollment with a good friend and also sharing with her my hesitations regarding my older age compared to the standard college demographic, she said something to me that I will always remember. She said, “In three or four years, you will still have aged the same amount of years, so it is better to have aged doing all that you wanted.” She was right. If there is something you want to do in life, age should not be the reason you do not go through with it. It’s also important to me that I do not compare my path or personal goals with anyone else's unique timeline.

As a young child, I enjoyed school. I got to learn and play with my friends all day. I was quiet, and a bit of a teacher’s pet. Knowing myself now, the latter probably was not about school, but more about my wanting to please people around me. As an adult, I have unraveled this and realize it most likely comes from the way in which little girls are raised - taught to be acutely aware of the other’s around them and other’s needs. My parents are also very generous and caring people, so it’s no surprise most of my life I’ve paid great attention to people. As I’ve grown, I’ve transformed this trait into one that is more helpful and less of a hindrance to myself. I love to help, and have often found myself in the role of caregiver. With that said, I always have my own well-being in mind, as to be able to give from a place that is full and healthy.

It is obvious (to me) now that I would want to dedicate my life to a profession of helping others. But, it was not always so clear. I remember a few years ago while visiting my parents back in New York, going through some old school boxes, I found an assignment from fifth grade which asked the famous question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I wrote that I wanted to be a secretary. I remember my thinking at that age - getting to wear beautiful skirts and tops, using a computer all day, and working in an office all seemed glorious. Don’t get me wrong, I still think it makes for a great job, but not one for me. I’ve worked in offices most of my adult life (perhaps thanks to my fifth grade manifestation), and I do not feel fulfilled. At one point, I really wanted to be a lawyer. This undoubtedly comes from my want for everyone to be treated fairly. While I am very passionate about the just and equal treatment of all people, I have little interest in actually practicing law or fighting in courts. So I never pursued that. About 10 years ago, when I first enrolled in a community college to take some classes, I was of the mind that I would pursue chemistry. Not because I was passionate about the subject, but because I had enjoyed the courses I took in high school and because I thought I would be able to get a good paying job after I had a degree. I also really enjoy learning how things work and what makes up the little pieces of a final outcome. That was the first time I was enrolled in college. Since then, I have learned so much more about myself and about what I am passionate about. Like law, chemistry is not it. I have always held on to the idea that one day I would go after my dreams, get a degree, and work doing something I loved. I did not know what that meant exactly, as many of us don’t. My idea of success has not always been in line with what much of society believes and the pressure of working just to work has escaped me. I feel fortunate to have been able to travel some of the world, experience different cultures, and be able to expand my ideas on life itself and what I want my life to look like. My goal is to continue to focus on what is important to me and use my knowledge and compassion to help guide others.

Throughout my life, my interest in how things work and my innate ability to read other people has fostered a curiosity of the human mind. In this sense, it is no surprise that I have decided to pursue a career in psychology. From the never ending list of books about everyday life stories that have consumed me since a reading competition in eight grade (which I believe to be the catalyst for my love of reading), to the shows and podcasts about different and obscure people, I have been so intrigued by what makes us humans, humans. I have always been curious about what makes up people, as if each of us has a recipe that creates a certain outcome. I understand it may not be that simple, but exploring those intricacies fascinates me. But up until maybe two years ago, I had never even considered studying psychology.

Several years ago I was introduced to the Burning Man event through a couple good friends. Through Burning Man, I was introduced to sound healing (among so many other ideas and experiences that have shaped who I am today). The idea that sound can be therapeutic has been a theme most of my life. Starting the moment I was born, there has been music. From being influenced by my parents and their taste, to playing flute in school, then to dancing to live music. I love sound and music and without it, I know I would be a very different person. I do not find this to be something unique, but definitely something very special. Some of my most wild revelations about myself and about life have been accompanied or induced by sound and music. The first time I experienced a sound bath (when you’re immersed in sound waves as a form of meditation), it was as if time didn't exist and I had been transported. Afterwards, I felt so relaxed and I could not wait until the next time. Like my love and curiosity for the human mind, my love for music never translated into something I wanted to study formally. It’s funny (or sad, really), how most of my younger life the idea of what I should study was directly related to being productive and making money, rather than what I actually was interested in or had a passion for. I blame this on the capitalist state of our society, but that is a different topic for a different essay. From then on, I started to learn more about sound healing and therapy - from reading books, to listening to healing music, and having sound baths as often as possible.

After traveling for nearly three years, I came back to the states late 2019 with the plan to enroll in school to study Psychology. I think I finally decided Psychology in early 2019 when I was reading a book called Diving for Seahorses: The Science of Memory, by Hilde Østby and Ylva Østby. It was a fascinating book from two well-educated women and even though it was not the first book about the mind I had read, it was the one that prompted me to think about what I was really interested in. Not only that, it was written by two smart women and that was inspiring in of itself. I applied for Federal Financial Aid in January 2020, along with four schools local to Reno (where I’ve called home for most of the last ten years). By May that year, we were several months into a shutdown because of the Covid-19 pandemic and three of the four school options had not worked out - all for various reasons. So, I had kind of just pushed back the idea of starting school, again. I was bummed, to say the least. After so many years of wanting to go back and working to get there, it was not going to happen. One afternoon, in late June I received a phone call from an admissions advisor at Sierra Nevada University; she was calling about my application. I told her I had tried reaching out to the school, but assumed the worst because of the changes that had come from the shut down. She said she had reached out via email, but I had never received anything. She checked my email and after reading it back, it turned out she had added a letter in the address. After sending the necessary transcripts and some other information regarding financial aid, I was enrolled. It was a very special moment for me. When I first spoke with an advisor about going over the specifics - which degree did I want to pursue, which classes, etc., I discovered that SNU offered an interdisciplinary track for Psychology and Music. Originally, I was unsure about the music option, but I decided to go for it. It really just made sense and even seemed a bit serendipitous. Two things I had been passionate about my entire life, coming together in a moment I was building up to for some time now.

Just six short months into this new adventure, I have already formed so many ideas about ways in which I want to further explore the human mind and ideas relating to healing - through psychotherapy and through music. And all of the ways I’d like to contribute to the intellectual world. I am more sure now about how I might spend much of the rest of my life than I ever have been. I am so grateful to be able to learn and grow in this new space. Like always, I am open and excited for whatever else comes my way.