Squirrelzilla

“What the walnuts are you doing here?” The high pitched, demanding voice made me jump out of my skin. I stood outside, walking along the path that lines my apartment and the river. I was lost in thought when the voice spoke.

“Whose there?” I ask, demanding the presence of my unseen companion. I scanned the trail, not seeing anything. I slowly pushed my hand into my pocket, palming my pen and getting ready to use it as a weapon.

“I am! Move your giant feet, Giant! You’re standing on a yummy bit!” I glanced down to my feet, noticing I was standing on scattered birdseed.

“Who’s talking to me? Fuck, am I going insane now?!” I panicked, but still stepped away from the birdseed.

“Insane? No, stupid Giant! Up here!” curiously, I glanced up. And I met someone I haven’t seen in a couple years.

“Squirrelzilla!” I proclaimed, happy to see my rodent nemesis. Squirrelzilla chittered, her ploofy tail twitching like a lure.

“Hello again, Stupid Giant. You left your nest, and I never got any more yummy bits.” the massive squirrel grumbled. My face broke into a wide, semi crazy grin.

Squirrelzilla was this giant squirrel the size of a large housecat that would go out of her way to chase me when I took out my trash. We had standoffs that normally resulted in my being chased, or me throwing the rotund tree rat an apple core, sunflower seeds, or half a ham sandwich. No wonder she was so fat.

She wasn’t as fat as she once was. In fact, despite still being quite stout, she was thinner than when I saw her last. It pained me to see her so much smaller.

“I want those yummy bits. Move, you stupid Giant.” I scowled as the damn squirrel called me a stupid giant once again. But I listened. The fat squirrel then ran as fast as her squat little body could manage and stuffed her face with seeds. I giggled at her scattered way of eating.

“Come by tomorrow and I'll leave you some apples.” I told her. Her mouth was too full to talk, but I could see the greedy gleam in her eyes.

~~~…~~~

“Stupid Giant! Stupid Giant! Where are you?” squeaked the high-pitched voice of Squirrelzilla, demanding little rodent.

“I’m right here. Got some apples for you. And a scoop of peanut butter. Eat up quick, or the cats will get you.” I teased. I took a few steps back and watched as Squirrelzilla darted over with impressive speed and began to nibble on some apple slices. I chuckled as she even chased away some inquisitive birds from her little feast. Greedy little shit.

“Stupid Giant.” I glared down at the squirrel, scowling as she still called me a stupid giant.

“What is it?” I asked.

“I’ll be back for more yummy bits. I want water next time.” the hoity little hairball demanded. I chuckled.

“Sure. I’ll leave out a bowl. I’ll leave out more seeds just in case.” I replied. Squirrelzilla used her dexterous little hands to clean out the peanut butter in her fur.

“These are my yummy bits. I do not share.” she snipped. I chuckled again.

“I know.” I watched the little creature work her way up into a nearby tree, shaking loose drying pinecones and needles.

“Hey, Squirrelzilla?” I called out. A thought occurred to me. I couldn’t see the squirrel anymore, but I knew she heard me.

“What is it, Stupid Giant?” I heard her snip out.

“Am I going insane? I can hear you talking, as plain as you were speaking English. Is this all in my head?” I ask her. I heard the little huff she made.

“All words are in your head. You are no more crazier than me. Don’t forget my yummy bits.” I didn’t hear anymroe from her. But I was smiling.

“I’m no more crazier than a squirrel chungus, huh?” I whispered to myself. I walked back into my apartment. I wonder if I can speak to my cats.

One way to find out.