I Love You Nooch Babby

By Rick Hartford

NOBODY CAN HEAR A SCREAM IN THE VACUUM OF SPACE, OR SO THEY SAY.

Nooch Babby hollered these words as he struggled with the zipper on the late Clyde Poindexter’s space suit deep in outer space.

Eight Hundred Degrees Below Zero and Babby was sweating.

Seconds earlier Babby felt the pins and needles of impending death after Commander Bludthurst fired his ray gun, the bolt grazing Babby’s suit and hitting Clyde in the face shield. Dex was killed instantly, and there were precious seconds to get his suit off of him and put it over Babby’s own before he froze to death. Clyde broke into dozens of frozen shards as Babby pulled the space suit off of him, pieces of Clyde gleaming in the cold sunlight as they spun into deep space,

Babby hurriedly got into Clyde’s suit, but the last zipper was an absolute bitch.

At last, Babby’s frozen fingers managed to close the zipper and he punched the internal heating mechanism to high, feeling his body warming immediately.

The day had started off as a celebration sponsored by KiteFighters International on Pongo, one of the three moons circling planet Hoargo.

After a sit-down surf and turf dinner on a windblown beach on Pongo’s ocean, there were speeches, videos, a slide show and an awards ceremony where craggy retired Kite Fighter Snap Hodges was inducted into the SkyFighters Hall of Fame for his 15 year career in Kite Fighting.

The attendees were on their way back to Hoargo in their pods when the attack came. The conference attendees split in all directions with the exception of Babby and his wingman, Trevor Brisbane, who turned and engaged Bludthurst in the battle that cost Dex’s life.

With the fight over, Babby’s attention now turned to his crippled space pod. It was still smoldering after being disabled by a pulse fired by Bludthurst, whose own craft was speeding back to the surface of Planet Hoargo.

Babby looked over at Brisbane, Babby’s wingman who survived with him.

“Can you get us out of here?” Babby shouted.

“Can Houdini get out of a straight jacket? If the reactor’s ok we’re out of here,” Brisbane yelled back..

Using their backpack accelerators, Babby and Brisbane returned to the pod and entered through the smoke that billowed through the open hatchway.

Within a half hour Brisbane had the pod running again for the return trip to Hoargo.

Brisbane took the wheel, pointing the pod toward Megatropolis, the largest city on Hoargo and a place where the two could abandon the pod and blend into the population. Babby and Brisbane were world champion Kite Fighters, a sport played on the windy planet of Hoargo where one man standing in the middle of a 50 foot kite was launched to do battle hundreds of feet in the air with another Kite Fighter while their respective wingmen held the kite ropes from the ground. The Kite Fghters attacked their opponents with fists, bare feet and the kites themselves. The wingman served not only as an anchor but also worked to keep his or her teammate out of harm’s way. Although kite fighting was intrinsically violent, it was rarely fatal. The loser of the contest, bloodied and often flying a disabled kite, was allowed to return to the sands of Hoargo where teams of spotters raced with tarps to catch any kite fighter who was pummeling to the earth.

There were some outlaw contestants though who took the game past its limit, with death the only acceptable outcome. This illicit form of blood sport was brought into prominence after Emperior X overthrew the Horago government in a bloody coup.

Commander Bludthurst was the champion of the deadly kite contests, and he had done everything he could to goad Babby and Brisbane into a battle with him and his wingman, Puddy Campbell. Babby had turned him down repeatedly, telling Bludthurst was a pox on the sport.

“Someday I’ll make it worth it your while, Princess Babby, Bludthurst said. “Then we’ll see what’s withering under your kilt.”

Babby went for his sidearm, but Brisbane held him back.

“Don’t pay any attention to him, Nooch,” Brisbane said. “Somebody will clip his wings.”

Now safely on their home planet, Babby and Brisbane were arguing about taking a stand against Bludthurst as they took a corner into the heart of the food district in Megatropolis, where every gastronomic delight on the planet could be found. The smells of freshly roasted lamb, steak, bacon and garlic was a delight to the senses. There were even Roc eggs for sale, the huge bird not yet hunted into extinction on Horago.

The two men were walking past rows of fresh fish on ice when Babby spotted danger out of the corner of his eye. He pushed Brisbane out of the way and pulled out his laser gun when he was surrounded by a dozen of the Eight Arms, as the Octopus People were called, all pointing their sleek and deadly atomic spearguns at Babby’s head. He was relieved to see Brisbane sprinting down the alley to safety, but disappointed that he wasn’t able to get a shot off before he was captured. Babby expected to be tortured and killed by the Eight Arms, who were the original inhabitants of the planet until Emperor X arrived 20 years earlier and began his campaign of terror..

The Octopus People might have been wiped off the face of the planet had not been for the Moss Men, who were originally slaves brought to the planet to work in the imperial Gas Mines. But many of them escaped the prison of the mines. The Moss Men took the Octopus People into shelter deep into underground forests that threatened to swallow up any intruders. Babby, blindfolded, assumed that was their destination. The trip that seemed to take forever down into the core of the planet. Finally Babby’s mask was removed, revealing an exotic paradise which seemed to contain every kind of tree and plant in existence, including some 20-foot Venus fly traps which could easily devour a person who might mistakenly venture into this sweet smelling but lethal garden of evil.

Babby was hauled up to the entrance of a fortress.

Out of the center of a group of armed guards an incredibly gorgeous woman stepped forward, naked save a silver belt with a golden scabbard containing a Bowie knife which, when she took it out, gleamed like a million suns, the reflection of the blade alone enough to slay a man.

It was Queen Dragonia, the wife of Emperor X, whose disappearance a year ago was assumed to be a ritual beheading which opened the path for another beautiful but younger ascendent to the crown.

Yet Queen Dragonia escaped and promised to build an army which would go to battle against Emperor X.

She wanted his head on a platter.

With an apple stuffed in his mouth.

She studied Babby’s face.

“Ah, the renowned Nooch Babby,” she said.

“Take off his bonds,” she ordered her Sergeant of Arms. Once freed, and rubbing his numb hands, Babby bowed but said nothing.

“I am going to give you an offer you shan’t refuse,” the queen said. “I am in need of a champion, someone that I can put up against Commander Bludthurst in a kite fight to the death.

It is the only way I know to lure Emperor X, who insists on seeing the deadly kite fights in person. I have formed an alliance with the Octopus People, who will be in hiding but ready to pounce on Emperior X the moment that you kill Commander Bludthurst in an air battle.

“I’m no pacifist and not a big fan of Bludthurst,” Babby said. “But these kite fights to the death have only one purpose, to get the spectators in such a frenzy that they will lose their souls while frothing for blood. It elevates men such as Bludthurst into a perverted role model for impressionistic young

people, most of whom grew up in poverty and under the heel of men such as Bludthirst. Find yourself another champion,” Nooch told her, looking her in her flashing green eyes.

And yet, Babby felt himself falling under her spell. Her beauty was like a narcotic and he knew that what he had no effect other than produce a sardonic smile on Queen Dragonia’s face..

“Rubbish,” the queen said. You’ll come on board, Nooch Babby, if only to save your friend here.”

Her guards marched in holding Brisbane by the arms. He was unconscious and bloody as they dropped him in front of the queen.

“He’ll live,” she said to Babby.

“But only if you agree to do battle on my terms, one of which is that you whisper my name in Bludthurst’s ear as you drag the blade of my knife across his throat.”