Beginning of Week 3

Well a lot has been going on. From time to time, I like to take a run to the outside of town and enjoy the peace and quiet. Lately, that has not been very helpful. My mind is racing and my heart is far from the place of peace I use to find out there. The breeze and the horses and the grass; none of it feels the same. I know that in reality, things will never be the same, but that is all I long for. I want her back and I want these last two weeks to not have happened at all.

I keep relieving it in my head and I want to have been able to make different choices but I know that the damage was done when the doctor came in with sad eyes. I couldn't bring myself to ask the hard questions, at least not right away. The flash backs are painful and sometimes they take over all the senses. I find myself at a loss and utterly broken.

Today marks one week that I have been back at work since losing her. The distraction is nice but I am afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. I can't sleep very well and when I do, the panic attacks come with shortness of breath. I also can't control my own thoughts. I got set up with a new therapist, he took all my information and then set up another appointment this Monday. When I described the worst two days of my life, I was crying and could barely talk. But I got through it. As for how I will get through the rest of this, I have no idea. She was my best friend and I lost part of myself when I lost her.

Sometimes I want it all to end...but then I remember my brother in law and my barely two year niece. Then I remember what I am fighting for and I chug a long until I can find a distraction to make everything hurt less. Things that distract me on hard days are things that help me forget. Like watching my favorite tv shows and doing the food delivery that allows me to make extra money. Long drives are great too, mostly cause I can zone out and not think too much. Mostly, I sleep until I have to get up and do things. I haven't even been able to do laundry or take a shower. Let alone brush my teeth. Two people in less than a year, talk about a rough time.

Tuesday 8:28 am

"Marissa!" The nurse held up the sheet with my information on it as she took me to the back to get vitals. This was always the worst part for me. I always ask them to just write fat in the weight section of the list but they never do and most of the give me a chuckle but I couldn't find it in myself to joke with them today. As for the height, I always know what it will be because I have only grown out since I was in the fifth grade...and the blood pressure cuff never fit. It was always too tight and never got it on the first try.

Walking over to the blonde hair, blue eyed nurse, I spoke with a hollow voice, "That's me." She turned and walked down the hallway that led to the exam room. "Can I have your name and date of birth please."

The question was more like a statement that was the deal breaker in a relationship if answered wrong. With the same hollow voice, I answered her, "Marissa Samuelson. Date of birth is 5/29/1996."

Going to the exam room was like a dream. I could barely focus as she told me where to sit and took my vitals. Asking me why I was in the clinic that day. What brought me in. Had I experienced it before. If so, how long. The whole nine yards went on for what seemed like an hour before she said the doctor will be in soon. That I was next on the list of patients he was seeing that day.

I looked out the window as she left the room. As soon as the door clicked I saw the first glimpse of the rain and the storm that was to come.