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Sun & Sand

Critique Please...

By Kent BrindleyPublished 9 months ago 12 min read
Top Story - August 2023
17
Sun & Sand
Photo by Ethan Robertson on Unsplash

Evan Forrester stalked up the beach and to the beachside bar at least six steps ahead of Katie. This left plenty of room for people to not believe that they were a pair and those people innocently cut in between the two people as groups either made their ways back to the beach or up to the bar as well. A few of them were kind enough to mumble “excuse me” or “pardon me.” No one hung back and allowed her to catch back up with Evan; no one knew about the infractions that they were committing. No; it was the young group of college aged males who knowingly and indiscreetly stared at her to size her up that really bothered the brunette beauty. Had it been in her nature, she might have flipped them off. Today, she was dangerously close to that being in her nature.

Evan pulled a stool away from the bar and, without so much as pulling out the chair next to his, he took his seat and wasted no time in sizing up the bartender. Katie almost felt pity on the poor girl, almost, as she did all that she could to pull out the neighboring wooden stool, step around it, struggle with the stool until it reached the bar again, and take her own seat next to her husband. Right; this was shaping up to be a great vacation between the two lovebirds who had presently survived a relationship all through college and going on a third year anniversary of their wedding day!

Evan finally got tired of silently gawking at the shapely blonde coed fulfilling her summerly duty as bartender. Now was the time for him to take charge. Continuing to ignore Katie, Evan put his right pointer and middle finger in his mouth and whistled.

The poor bartender jumped with a start but finally did face the latest arrivals. Katie let her envy of the other girl’s physique wear off for a moment and mouthed a silent apology for her husband. The bartender answered that with a practiced smile (not with her eyes) and made her apologies to the customers whom she had happened to be waiting on when her attention had been called away in such a fashion. With that, she approached the latest arrivals at the bar.

“Hi!” she greeted them, presenting them with menus but not with her name. “Are you guys down here for Springbreak?”

“Something like that.” Katie started to answer. “We’re…”

“…I’ll take a Jager.” Evan interjected as his eyes wandered down to the top of the bartender’s shirt. “And she’ll have a water…uh…Courtney.”

Courtney bristled at the infraction and covered her nametag (along with the image of more). Meanwhile, Katie blanched as well. Granted, it was she who had made a deal with Evan to keep drinking to a minimum when they both knew from experience in their own families what alcohol did to people. However, if she was going to bother to stick to her own deal that she had hoped that they could do together, she could have at least ordered a soda for herself; a diet soda. However, it was too late and Courtney was dutifully on her way. Katie hadn’t gone all of the way down to Cancun to start an argument. However, she now had to argue with somebody and chose the target who deserved it.

“I really hope that you were just reading her nametag!” she declared, shoving Evan in his side.

Evan shrugged in defiance.

“It’s nice to admire a pretty girl again.” He countered.

Katie sat back on her stool then. She had deserved that; she had started their last argument. She should have quietly let Evan order her drinks for her, renig on their no-alcohol deal, and basically ignore her completely. However, it was too late for all of that now.

“Evan,” she began again, “we’re on vacation, baby.”

“Yeah; thank you, in-laws!” Evan retorted.

“Oh, yeah; thanks, mom and dad.” Katie mumbled back.

She had actually really appreciated her parents not only watching their young children while they were away but for paying for the vacation in the first place. She and Evan had been having a few problems recently and she had done the logical thing and actually whined and cried to her parents about it. It had been agreed by pretty much everyone that she and Evan could use something of a “second honeymoon” in honor of their impending third anniversary. Now, she wasn’t exactly ungrateful of her parents’ generosity on this matter. As she saw Evan take a drink of his beverage, she realized that her real problems were with her company on this trip and that their destination hadn’t been free of alcohol or other women…

Working at least helped pay for some of tuition. That was Evan’s thought when no sooner had he arrived at college than he began working as the greeter at the popular campus pub. Anyone even wishing to get inside the building had to get passed Evan Forrester first. That made him important. He held all of the power over who would be having a good time that evening and who would be turned away!

Then, one evening, a new job perk presented itself. A group of coeds was trying to get into the bar that night. Most of them in the group were twenty-one. A young lady by the name of Katelyn (“Katie”) Dahl was another freshman. The compromise that night was that Evan flagged down another greeter for a while and the two freshman occupied a booth over sodas and appetizers. Evan’s coworkers were getting along fine for that three hours without him and Katie’s sorority sisters were of drinking age and hardly missed the young pledge.

One “date” was hardly going to end matters for the couple. They were in love and things were perfect. The pair shared all of their frustrations about life at home; about Katie’s father and both of Evan’s parents. This was more than pity; the two students truly understood one another.

Then, their Junior years hit and Evan turned twenty-one first. He was of legal drinking age and Katie could allow him to celebrate that. Why, in six more weeks when she was twenty-one as well, would she act any differently?

It started out innocently enough and the two were social drinkers together; each one having a good old time together. Then came the day when they each hit bottom in their own ways. Evan turned verbally abusive; Katie turned emotional and (when she was at her worst) particularly nasty about honestly baiting Evan into a response. It didn’t explain, however, how they had ended up where they were today…

Evan was still giving Courtney the once over as she walked away to go get their drinks. Katie would have been disgusted by her own husband’s behavior but she could feel all of those pairs of eyes on her as well. Her husband was clearly outnumbered in the infraction. Would it be really fair of her to single out her husband instead of an entire group of college guys? Yes; her husband was out of college where he should have outgrown the behavior and he was ogling a woman who was not her. Katie pivoted in her seat to face down Evan at the same time that he had turned to face her. It had been the first time that they had looked at each other that day. Because Evan now faced his wife, he also saw the not-so-subtle cues from the table adjacent to their bar seats.

“Shall I go address that extra attention or were you about to?” Evan demanded a little too harshly for speaking only one seat over from him in a relatively quiet, open air bar. Other patrons naturally looked their way.

“Please do.” Katie murmured, sheepishly. “I mean, I didn’t ask for them to…”

It was too late for her to say anymore; or to even take it back. Evan was up and out of his seat and marching across the bar. Katie could only imagine the scene that was about to unfold on her behalf and she was plenty embarrassed. She whispered to Courtney that the drinks and food wouldn’t be necessary and she quick got out of the bar. She should have gotten Evan’s attention and both of them could have left in the first place. Now it might have been too late and she slipped off back to the hotel room on her own. She only hoped that Evan would wise up and know where to start looking for her next…

It had been a misunderstanding, according to the younger guys. One of them had the audacity to come right out and say that Katie and Evan hadn’t been acting like they were together, so they naturally thought that she had been single. The recipient of that little observation thought for only a moment about what had just been said about he and his wife and decided that he might be in a good enough mood to let it go. He grumbled something about them being more careful and stomped off in the other direction where he noted that Katie was missing. From her place behind the bar, Courtney pointedly indicated away from the outdoor beach pub. Evan nodded curtly at her and stomped out of the bar himself. The other patrons were not sorry to see him go…

Evan couldn’t blame his father for his views on women; at least as far as that particular woman being Evan’s birthmother was concerned. Tad Forrester had caught Felicia with another man; for the third and final time. The finalization of the divorce only pushed Tad’s drinking to a whole new level; with only his son around to see the results.

Things had gotten bad enough between Evan’s mother and father that his father had warned his son against a relationship with anyone as beautiful as Katie (at that point, Evan had nothing to say to his mother ever again). However, when it was clear that Evan was no longer dating Katie but was officially engaged to her, his father grumbled one final thing and then only said positive things.

That didn’t change the fact that he had “forgotten about” the day of the wedding. Thank goodness only the bride’s family was really necessary to give her away because, that day, the Harrises were there to represent both members of the couple.

A couple of weeks later, Evan accepted that his father had “made a mistake” and lost track of the day of the wedding. He had even called him right after his honeymoon was over to forgive him. Because Evan had forgiven his father enough to call him, he received one more bit of advice: “Watch your wife carefully.”

The advice had been foolish words from a man who was understandably a little upset. Katie and Evan loved each other; they had since college and their marriage would only cement that aspect. There were a few arguments over the drinking but it wasn’t like either party was in a hurry to have fun sober. They would just have to have fun together.

Then, there came the night that Evan had come home from work a little later than usual. It had been two months before the vacation. Both of the twins were asleep in their cribs by the time that he came in. Which had been all well and good; because Evan didn’t want his kids to see what he walked in on when he walked into the bedroom.

Evan would come to forgive his wife; even if he hadn’t at that exact moment, he knew that the day would come. His former fraternity brother, Harley Reince III, would not be so lucky and was lucky to get out of the house alive that night, no matter how sheepishly.

Things had changed for the couple that night. Katie had sensed the same and thought that Evan’s spike in drinking had had something to do with that. If only she could have fathomed the truth. If only she could know for herself that Evan still loved her and, even if he didn’t, then his behavior had very little to do with that…

He had forgiven her for one indiscretion and was really trying to do better with his own behavior. Had he specifically forgotten to tell her all of that himself? Now, on a vacation paid for by the same in-laws who were also graciously watching the babies, seemed like an odd time for Evan to reflect on such questions. Now was his chance to make things right…

He knocked on the hotel room door to announce himself and fit his key into the lock. He only hoped that Katie was in the room when she was no longer at the bar. As the lock clicked, Evan stood in the hallway for a moment to reflect on his words…

The knob turned over obediently and Evan entered the room. Katie, his beautiful wife, was lying on their bed with her hands over her eyes. Evan took an extra moment to take in the image greeting him.

“Hi.” He finally managed to greet her.

Katie moved her hands away from her face. Finally, a small, damp smile found her face again.

“Hi yourself.” She answered.

Silence. Had they really not spoken in this long? Evan approached the bed and settled onto its end. Katie helpfully curled up her legs to move her feet. Then, he finally settled a hand on a leg.

“Have I told you lately,” he began, “how lucky I am to have you?”

Katie smiled back at him again; a genuine smile. With that, she sat up on the bed, pulling her leg away from Evan. She then slid closer and put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it.

“We,” she amended, “are lucky to have each other.”

Katie spoke the truth and both of them knew it. There on the trip, they held each other for the first time in months and really talked. Their families, and their children, would be in for a great surprise when they got back from vacation…

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About the Creator

Kent Brindley

Smalltown guy from Southwest Michigan

Lifelong aspiring author here; complete with a few self-published works always looking for more.

https://www.instagram.com/kmoney_gv08/

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Comments (9)

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  • Anwar9 months ago

    A nice top story

  • Kelly Khoo9 months ago

    A heartwarming journey of love and growth. 💖 Happy endings!

  • Babs Iverson9 months ago

    Congratulations on Top Story!!!💕♥️

  • Margaret Brennan9 months ago

    Great story. I love happy endings.

  • Sujata Mitra9 months ago

    Excellent. Keep it up

  • Ashley Lima9 months ago

    Hi, Kent! I see you're looking for feedback, and I hope my comments find you well. I went ahead and copied this into a google document. While in the doc, I made some comments and suggested edits on how you might be able to fix things up a bit! https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UdZz-LhNWzfnIH-YHWr0KDvrJFr6yzwGJQmFhzPOsyo/edit?usp=sharing First of all, I really like the concept. The relationship is multifaceted, involving cheating, alcoholic tendencies, and horrible communication. These are all things that permeate many people's lives and can serve as relatable reminders that relationships can be messy. Your dialogue is really good and believable. You can really get a feel for the character's and their personalities from the ways in which they interact with one another. Some things to look out for include run-on sentences and the redundant use of "had" before a lot of past tense verbs. Some of them are necessary, but most are not. Unfortunately, I can't remember the exact rule or terms for this phenomenon, but I tried to highlight in the document the places where I would cut. There is a lot going on here, and it might be useful to slow down and make this piece longer. It would be nice to linger on some of their good moments and not-so-good moments as you weave their past into the present narrative. The complexities of this story have me thinking it may be better suited for a novella/full-blown novel as opposed to a short story if that's something you're considering. I do hope my comments find you well, obviously, feel free to ignore any feedback you don't deem necessary. I really enjoyed your characters, and I do want to read more about them if you intend on working with them further. I think the setting was a really good choice because it's that forced proximity trope that's going to cause them to reconcile their differences. It's interesting that this almost reads as though it's an enemies-to-lovers story even though the couple is already married. Really good work here, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. Thank you for being open to feedback, and let me know if you have any clarifying questions. Much love!

  • Test9 months ago

    Fantastic story. :)

  • 🎉🎉Awesome, Storytelling and Adventures 📝😉❤️👍💯Congratulations On your Top Story❗

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