Preference or Traumatized

The struggle of trying to figure myself out has been an uphill journey. The need for understanding myself is necessary for self-growth, and to do that I must confront uncomfortable truths. I’ve never really thought of myself as asexual, but the thought of coitus makes me feel uncomfortable. I’ve only had sex once in my life- it wasn’t a satisfying experience, and I’ve since foregone sex. Most people would simply imply that the partner may not have been stable and that I should seek others with more experience and knowledge. I won’t argue with that, it does have merit. I don’t engage simply from a lack of curiosity and disinterest. The idea of sexual intercourse doesn’t seem like a disinteresting concept but the action itself is where I find a disconnect.

Where does it come from? Why do I feel this way? If I could without hesitation, would I? If I could without pause, should I? There’s nuance that comes with your body and the concept of love and sex are becoming more and more distant. When is sex just sex, and when can you say it’s love? If I had to choose, I’d rather choose love over sex, but most would expect it nonetheless. It frustrates me knowing that most people see it as one and the same, and that to receive love you must give your body in exchange. If there’s so many people willing to lie for sex, why would I give it to them for nothing? Why would that make me crazy? There are so many unknowns, and the only “known” I know is me.

All I’ve known is that I love deeply, respectfully, and constantly. My love looks like agape, with sweet kisses and tinder hand holding on a cold afternoon looking toward water. My love is childish in nature, and naive in expectation. Even so, it’s earnest- heartfelt, and true. My love has no room for sex, the sensual energy is enough for me. Though, I’m too old to not know that it’s not enough for some. So my question is why? Why isn’t it enough for some? Why is sex so important? Where does this societal standard come from? The next question is, when can it change? Then I ask myself, why don't you?

When does my resistance to physical entanglement go from simple preference and Post Traumatic Stress? I have a history of abuse of many forms, and is more than likely affecting the way I interact with others. It's hard, constantly finding myself alone from time to time due to my inability to read a room and pushing people back from the brokenness I perceived myself to be. While I no longer see myself as my scars, I still have those scars. Being alone with myself no longer seemed like a death sentence but a breath of fresh air, it was liberating. Even still, it doesn’t need to be that I never want to interact with the outside world, or to refuse to let others in. I want to open up but knowing that there are people who only wish to disturb that peace I found stays in the back of my mind, the closer they get, the more that can be damaged, and I don’t want that. There’s so much work that goes into being okay after not being okay for so long, I find myself wanting to safeguard all I am and to sensible people it’s understandable. So now, I ask you. You, reading this now. What do you think it is? Preference or Trauma?

And thank you for staying to hear me out.