Feedback Needed!!!!!

This sounds exciting!!! So proud that you are going for it, Brin. If I were to suggest a critique, it would be on two things. For me, flow and intrigue play a big part in creating a successful blurb. First, I would consider eliminating or changing the word 'brutal' followed by military school. We should already know that Military schools can be brutal. Later on, you say, 'she quickly realizes that this academy is nothing like she imagined.' That, right there, is the intrigue and makes me want to know WHY. By putting brutal, I already have an idea why she thinks that way. It takes away from the intrigue since we now already know that the academy is brutal or has a reputation of being brutal. I hope that makes sense, lol. Second, In the second paragraph, this sentence here: -Nira's long-held dream of attending the elite military school is on the verge of becoming a reality.- I would eliminate (of attending the elite military school) for a couple reasons, mainly because it starts to sound repetitive. The last sentence in the first paragraph ends with the words 'military school'. The first sentence in the second paragraph has it again. Since you start the second paragraph with 'Upon her acceptance' this tells me she was accepted to the school. And you end the paragraph with the word 'academy' in it which keeps the meaning in place. I don't think you would lose any meaning by eliminating this. I think it would flow better as well. I read it a few times to see if it was just me. I kept thinking the same thing. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do and make sure and let us know when you publish it.

I will say, the first part gets me interested right away because you hook it with, she is from a peaceful people but wants to join a brutal academy. I love that part since it immediately gives you the sense of complete opposites. And that creates intrigue. I don’t know what edits you already made but it reads great to me the way it is. It gets me interested. If I HAD TO make one critique, and it’s honestly such a tiny thing in which I’m just trying to come up with something, and you may even disagree. I love the wording of the part where Nira is faced with insurmountable challenges and the weight of societal expectations. To me the insurmountable challenges sounds more daunting than the Weight of expectations, maybe consider swapping them? Saving the bigger one for last? But then again, it’s a tiny thing that probably doesn’t matter. Just a thought. But all in all I really like how you have it laid out!

You know I suck at constructive criticism 😅 I felt your blurb to be very intriguing. It definitely piqued my interest!

I like the concept, it sounds like a fun story. Give’s me ‘zootopia’ vibes with more intensity. The ‘red ink’: I think the blurb is too long. If the blurb’s home is the back of the book to ‘hook’ the reader, there’s too much to digest. When I read the back of a book I want it to make me want more; with too much I think “well, now I know so I don’t have to read it!” That said, I think the first paragraph has most of the elements needed: Setting, character, conflict. From what you have written, I think you could parse down the first sentence so it deals only with the setting. Second sentence introduces Nira. Third sentence then shows your conflict “dreams clash with expectations”. Take these as you will. Another great resource is reedsy.com , they have a “How to write a book blurb” with a template as well :) Hope this helps!

Blurbs are super important to sell your book, so I'll come in with some direct feedback: Great blurb but why start with the most boring part "In a vast galaxy teeming with diverse species and planets united under the Interplanetary Alliance...." if you simply delete those words, everything about this is better. Start with something specific unique and emotional. "In this cutthroat institution" feels cliche/telling. Something more unique and specific.Something like this suggestion from my ai "In a school perched precariously between excellence and oblivion, where every misstep draws blood,..." "Lodestar Academy" sounds too close to the nickname for Texas. v distracting unless its somehow supposed to be connected to texas in the story. "students are pitted against each other in a relentless battle for recognition and survival" again, in YA scifi we've heard this a lot, say something about how this school is a bit different than others Good luck! and i'm so impressed you wrote a whole novel. I dream of doing that someday. .