Worth my Life

Worth my Life

Worth her life

What is more worth than money? Silence. The detective is seated in front of me, skeptical. He doesn’t believe that it is as simple as it is: ‘’I found this black notebook at this regular coffee shop I go to everyday.’’ He fills my cup of water and tell me that this woman, the owner of this notebook, could clearly be in danger. ‘’I mean, you red it too, you have nothing to lose to tell me everything’’. I honor his stubbornness by repeating myself again. Lucky for him, I am very patient: ‘’ I was seated next to her, she stood up and left. I noticed the notebook, looked pretty used and old. I grabbed it and shout at her but she ignored me and left. So here I was, stuck with it’’. He asks me why I use the term ‘’stuck’’ and then says again that I have nothing to lose. Irritated and flattered to be deserving this classical phrase a second time, I tell him about my living dream life: ‘’ I am homeless as you know. For fifteen years. People walking by you, not even noticing. Thinking that if you are too thirsty, you’ll always have your own piss to count on. I mean, I am the victim here!’’ The detective stands up and walks in circle, preoccupied. After few minutes, he sits again and says: ‘’ We all have our piss to count on. The nuance here is that some people have much more choices than you before having to count on their piss. What I see here is a man tired of feeling helpless. I understand, you wouldn’t give easily a life changing day like this.’’ I look at my cup and show that it is empty. ‘’You wouldn’t want me to piss in it, right?’’ He rolls his eyes and asks for water. I know what he wants. He won’t get it. We both feel the tension and we know it. Some other agent comes in with the water. I don’t even look at him as he fills our cups. The detective whispers something in his ear while looking at me. He leaves the room and as he comes back, the detective says: ‘’We’ll get to the bottom of this.’’ He shows me the notebook before opening it. Concentrated as he looks, I am surprisingly not scared. After few minutes, he closes it. He tells me how curious it is and asks me to write something on a paper he hands me. I laugh at the situation as he stays serious. He can’t rely on this. This woman was in trouble when she wrote that and I am perfectly calm. I give him back his paper with my writing. He smiles as he reads it: ‘’Can I have some water?’’ He looks at me, a look I can’t describe. He doesn’t move at all while fixing me. ‘’Did you know that some kinds of fishes can change their genitals just to manipulate their surroundings? I mean, fishes! Clearly, you are smarter than a fish and I have this feeling I can’t ignore.’’ I accuse him of thinking I am lying about being homeless. ‘’See? You up the game. The most valuable thing you can wish for is money. Now, you get this very graphic notebook with horrible things this woman wrote. Things clearly awaiting her, asking for help and you didn’t move at all. If it wasn’t for the waitress who taught it was weird seeing those drawings, you wouldn’t be here.’’ I begin to suspect that I was followed but I don’t show it. They won’t get me and if they do, I won’t be the only one. ‘’ Either you are yourself in danger or… As I said, money is at the end, precisely twenty thousands dollars, right?’’ I tell him that I can leave if they have nothing on me. ‘’ I mean, look at this! It can be someone writing and drawing in this with drugs in the system. I don’t know. You think I would be this apathic guy who would leave a poor woman in danger for some money.’’ He replies fast: ‘’ Or for your life.’’ He thanks me for my time and let me leave the police establishment. The first thing I do is find a place to take a piss and start to walk nowhere in particular.

As I walk, I notice a homeless person demanding for money and I stop in front of the man. Dirty clothes, dirty hands, no showers in a long time. His money cup is empty, probably a new spot. As I look at him, I notice that I don’t consider myself a homeless anymore. Look at him, begging for nothing. I was nothing too but not anymore. If you want to change your life, you need to be cruel and shameless in this world. As if giving him money would change what he is. I am a survivor who looked for every opportunity! Not him, me! Not this stupid detective, me! I did the impossible to have a life. This woman is in danger so I can live a better life! She lived what she had to live, she made choices that got her in trouble. I won’t be in trouble. I’ll be smarter than that. Finally, I walk again, looking at this homeless person like he was nothing as I am. In a way, I am looking at me leaving my old me. I come across a public phone and I call. It rings. One time, two times, three times… A man answers. He thanks me for calling back. ‘’ Where to meet?’’ The man laughs and hangs up. I hear a car stopping near me. A fat guy opens the door for me and I gladly get in. The driver drives us in the middle of nowhere. He tells me to follow him. A tall man is waiting, hands in his back. In front of the guy, no words come in my mind. He greets himself: ‘’ I’m Jonas, this fat one is Joey and this is… The notebook woman. You are?’’ I pull back my shoulders, proud: ‘’ I am William, we met earlier.’’ He approaches me and fixes me in the eyes. With a severe voice, he tells me: ‘’ You didn’t give me the notebook. Saying you had nothing on you.’’ I reassure him by saying I didn’t know how to react and didn’t want my life in danger. As a matter of fact, I got out clean in the detective office. He smiles and hands me his gun, replying: ‘’Then kill her. She’s lucky. It could be worst for her. She snitched my dad and now, he is in prison. Put a bullet wherever you want and you walk free.’’ I look at her, on the ground crying for her life. He then assures me that the money is already mine. A bag next to me is brought by the fat man. As I look at the woman, I see myself when I used to cry at night, tired of my life, tired of being the victim. If she goes free, she’ll run to the police. I should just put an end to her misery. ‘’Poor woman’’ as the detective said. She is lucky I’m putting an end to her life. Clearly, I was given a chance at life but not her. I turn to the boss and tell him: ‘’ I burned the pages concerning you. She wrote the names of everybody she knew with addresses. Give me the gun.’’ He gives it to me, surprised by my motivation. I point it at her and she yells: ‘’ Please! I don’t know you. I left it on purpose in the hope that a kind person would get the police involved!’’ I smile at her and say: ‘’ I am kind. You won’t get to live your little notebook story. See? Writing can be powerful! I am kind and all ears!’’ She cries as I shoot. I turn to the boss and give the gun. I take the bag of money and leave. I surprisingly feel fulfilled. I can start a new life now. Goodbye homeless guy. Goodbye life of contempt. Goodbye old life and hello money, courage and power. As I walk away, I hear my name. I turn and the boss shouts: ‘’ Want to work with us?’’ I smile as I scream ‘’yes’’ and continue my walk. I think I’ll even change my name. Goodbye William. Hello John? Martin? Bob? I’ll find something. Today, I get proper clothes and a proper diner in the most insane restaurant in New York. Might even get an entry.

Cristina Garant