The Lunch Thief

I know it’s petty, but quite frankly I think the frequency my lunch is disappearing out of the office fridge is beyond accident or coincidence and if it is targeted I would like to know who the culprit is. I have tried being polite about it, clear labelling, notes on the fridge, even an email to the people on my floor here but to no avail. Therefore I have decided to take matters into my own hands and investigate it. There is part of me thinks it’s my own fault eating so late in the day, often round 2pm but I don’t think it’s an excuse.

Realistically there are only five possible suspects as there are only six people who regularly work in this part of the building. It’s a ten story building and I work on the ninth floor. Above on the tenth is the CEO’s huge office and a spectacular boardroom. Here on the ninth is the real heartbeat of the company, the heads of department and me. I’m not sure why I’m up here but you don’t tend to argue when someone so far above your pay grade insists you are moved up from the third floor shared cupboard or as they call it officially, IT support to have your own office next to all the key players in the company. The Head of Solutions is up here too but since his promotion he is no longer considered an ‘IT guy’ and doesn’t do the fixing of computer issues any more. I’m up here to trouble shoot problems, though I still work around the building, which is why I’m the only one up here in the company blue polo shirt, but I’m expected to drop everything if I’m needed up here.

I say I have my own office, that’s not strictly true, the Management PA shares the office with me but she is barely ever in here. I’ve never seen anybody work so hard. It’s entirely her own fault as quite frankly she does a job that should be done by at least three people so effectively she has made her own bed. She is Melanie Frank and she is my first suspect.

Mel is about five foot three, and so slight I worry for her on windy days. She is almost perfect in every way. Immaculately dressed, impeccably spoken, always calm, constantly cheerful and never ever fails to complete a task regardless of how much is thrown at her. I had initially wondered about her, I rarely see her eat and wondered whether it was the possibility that she was taking my stuff and eating on the go so I could never spot her. The problem is that she’s such a nice person I can’t imagine the idea of her taking it without her feeling huge amounts of guilt and owning up immediately. This culprit has been consistently taking my lunch every day for weeks and that kind of gnawing guilt would surely have eaten her up. As an initial step in my investigations weeks ago I had casually dropped into a conversation with Mel that she should occasionally have a break and if she wanted to have lunch with me I’d set a time. She was, as ever, overwhelmingly charming in her explanation as to why this wasn’t possible and dropped into the conversation that she rarely bothered with bringing in her own lunch as she was responsible for managing the board room and as there were almost daily lunch meetings with refreshments she never needed to worry about bringing her own lunch as there was always food left over and it was invariably better than anything she would bring in.

I was reasonably satisfied with disregarding Mel quickly as I’d never suspected her anyway. I had considered asking her who she thought might be taking it but it dawned on me that it might put her in a difficult position and I chose not to involve her. This left the other four office holders on this floor. Colin Douglas, my direct superior and Head of Solutions, which was an overly complicated name for IT manager, Brian Jenson, Finance Director, Nicola Bennington, New Business Director and finally Lewis Gordon the Director of Purchasing. I suppose I should have included the CEO Frank Deacon but he rarely leaves his office when he’s actually here so the chances of him coming down to steal my lunch is pretty remote.

Colin is the obvious key suspect and indeed if I was to be pushed is the prime suspect in my book. We worked together down in the IT team when he was network manager and I was, well exactly what I am today, just based in the IT office. He is the least likely senior manager you’ve ever met. I remember his first day in the role, I think it was the first time he had ever worn a suit. He just looked so uncomfortable. I’ve been in meetings with him and he doesn’t give you any confidence in his decision making. He just sounds so nervous. However the minute you get him talking about systems and making things work effectively, wow, he is the best. I know why he got the job but he really isn’t a manager of any sort. I also know why I’m up here. He isn’t a ‘small job’ man. There’s something about his mind that means any task he undertakes sprawls into fourteen others. I think within days it was clear he needed a pragmatist around him and hence I was brought upstairs under the guise of keeping the management team’s IT in constant working order but really I’m here to focus Colin.

He has been really busy the last couple of days, far more than usual. I took a moment to watch him through his office window earlier today and he looked harassed. I also noticed he was working through his lunch and seemed to be picking at a shop bought pasta salad. Now on the one hand it is not a patch on the lovely ciabattas I bring in but nonetheless it’s an indication he is more likely to have brought his own.

Next door to him is Lewis. He’s never there to be honest. He spends so much time out of the office and at times out of the country there are people in the building who haven’t met him. He looks like the kind of guy who spends a lot of time travelling. His suits are always disheveled and he has a weary look. I spend a lot of time in his office, he is constantly forgetting his password, after he’s been away a couple of weeks hunting out new suppliers he comes back and there is invariably a problem for me to fix. The most recent one was about a week ago and a bit odd. He needed me to help him check his previous edits of some spreadsheets he seemed to have lost or forgotten to save. It was an awkward one because they were password protected and he’d forgotten that too so he needed me to fix the problem without accessing it. He was so anxious that he was almost hopping from foot to foot looking over my shoulder.

I did happen to notice there was a biscuit wrapper from the type that had gone missing from the my lunch the previous day in his wastepaper bin. To try and flush him out I gave him a knowing nod and wink as I left his office which brought no response. He’s a possible suspect but he’s been away most of the times I’ve lost my lunches so I still have question marks against him.

I went to see if there were any clues in the Finance Director, Brian’s office a few days ago. I needed to see him anyway as his printer was in need of toner so it was quite an easy visit. I timed it poorly as he was having quite a heated discussion with Lewis, my guess was there was a dispute about paying a supplier, this was a regular occurrence as many of his suppliers are not as familiar with Brian’s very methodical and rigid payment systems. It must have been a particularly difficult conversation as Lewis was unusually red faced as he left.

Brian is one of my favourite people here. He has the driest sense of humour which when you match it with his appearance makes him so unique. If you saw him walking towards you in the street you could be forgiven in thinking you had fallen into a time slip. He dresses like he is in the 1930s, hat and all. He has the thin grey moustache and oiled grey hair to match. To be honest his accent isn’t far off what you get in the old black and white British movies. He speaks with a charming formality and when he uses his cutting sarcasm it is so beautifully subtle it often goes over the recipient’s head.

I sorted his toner and had a casual look at his desk. It was obvious that it wasn’t going to be Brian when I spotted his sandwiches wrapped perfectly in parchment paper with a shiny red apple next to the package it was clear it wasn’t him.

I passed Brian’s office this afternoon and he looked pretty stoned faced. The CEO was in the office with him both looking very seriously at his screen. It’s very, very unusual to see Mr Deacon anywhere other than his own floor so it must have been a significantly important matter. I used the opportunity to head upstairs. I could reasonably say I was checking something in the boardroom if any questions were asked. His office was predictably locked but I could see through the window that it was foolish of me to consider the CEO as he has a fridge, coffee machine and massive fruit bowl in his grand office. As I made my way off the floor I noticed the cleaner coming out of the lift. Regular as clockwork, Ronnie cleans from the bottom up. She reaches our floor at 1.30 and is done by 2 so it must have been 2 now as she had reached the top floor. She was so engrossed in her hoovering she completely ignored me as I slipped back into the lift.

The only possible culprit left was Nicola Bennington. I don’t know her that well as she’s relatively new. She was headhunted thanks to a recommendation from Lewis, she had been working for one of the suppliers he dealt with and when our old New Business director moved on Lewis was quick to get Nicola an interview. From what I understand he was right and her impact was immediate. Her office is next to mine but I rarely see her, she never needs support and other than delivering paper for her printer and the occasional toner top up she just gets on with her job. I like her though. She’s direct and clear with a wonderfully warm and friendly manner. I suspect that’s why she’s such a good salesperson. I tried to come up with an excuse to see what lunch she was having at about 11 today and as I walked past to peek in I noticed two things. The first was that she had a massive protein shake mug on the desk which seemed to rule her out, but the second was that she was having a hushed and nervous looking conversation with Lewis, they were far too engrossed to notice me hovering outside. I’ve no idea what it was about, all I heard was “what did he see?” “nothing, but I’ve sorted it.” My guess is that whatever Lewis was arguing with Brian about had caused issues for Nicola too.

I’m not entirely sure who it could have been at this stage though given the tension up here right now I don’t think it’s the time to bring it up. I wonder if it’s got anything to do with why the two plain clothes police officers are up with the CEO right now. They called Brian up and I overheard Mel chatting with Nicola saying they’d been told to hang around until they were told they weren’t needed. It’s nearly five o’clock and everybody is still here. That’s unusual as Lewis tends to be gone by four, he is in the kitchen with Ronnie, the cleaner, she’s been asked to hang around too, nobody has asked me yet but I think I will just in case.

I caught Lewis probing Ronnie for anything she heard while she was upstairs as she was there when the police arrived. She said she hadn’t heard anything and continued with her rant about the smell in the lift. She claimed she was a stickler for bad smells which is why, she explained, she empties everything out of the fridge and bins it when she cleans our kitchen every day. Apparently it’s been easier in the last week as there hasn’t been anything in there at all.

I hate the lift myself. I’ve never noticed a smell but it’s so unreliable, it’s always breaking down and recently it’s started opening without being completely on the right floor, alarming if you’re in it, worse if you end up looking down into the shaft. Funny. I can remember it happening last week, that day I helped Lewis out with his spreadsheet.

That’s odd, more police have arrived, this time in uniforms, and oh, they are taking Lewis away. Mel must know what’s going on, I’m sure she will tell me if I ask nicely. In fact as she’s in the kitchen with Brian I might overhear if I time it right.

So apparently Lewis has been over billing the costs and fiddling the invoices. Brian got Colin to crack that spreadsheet the other day and they spotted it. Puts my missing sandwiches into perspective really. They did ponder if I knew anything about it and mentioned the police were asking to see me. They haven’t come to me yet.

There’s an ambulance now, I can see it out of the kitchen window, oh and more police. They’ve asked all staff to leave via the stairs. This is getting quite serious now, there are mumbles about someone falling down the lift shaft. I was behind the cleaners and heard Ronnie say whoever it was been at the bottom of it a week now and that was the smell. The staff are being ushered out pretty quickly, the CEO is talking to a couple of police officers by the front desk and there’s Mel next to him, she looks really upset. I didn’t quite catch what she said, something about “him speaking to Lewis” and telling him “he was unwell” last week and not seeing him since.

Oh god, they are bringing the body out, they are moving everyone out of the building first. I’m not sure I really want to be here for this but I feel like I should see who it is. Here they come. It’s clearly a man, those are men’s shoes, similar to mine. Grey trousers and a blue company polo shirt. Could be anyone. He’s wearing a distinctive watch though. Actually, it looks a lot like mine.