Stars of Solace (ep. 1)

Life can be funny, rough, enjoyable, burdening. It is what we make it, but sometimes it is what others make it for us when we let them. We all find pain and joy with every memory we make. A lot of anxiety comes from the past, memories of the things that have happened to us regardless of being good or bad. I'm not here to give you a philosophy lesson, I'm here to tell you what hurts me the most. The fact that I remember that day so clearly, how one thing led to another, and everything seemed to align against me. It was the day I lost everything that I cared for when everything I believed in wasn't right. I wish I was exaggerating, but this time it went too far. Holding on to hope, wishing for just one more moment to change one thing that led to this, maybe, just maybe none of this would've happened. All I have left is to gaze at the stars and ponder upon the thing that never was.

Maybe if the soup wasn't served cold, or my body didn't ache from its collection of scars and black bruises, I might have a better time listening to my own thoughts. I never expected to end up here, locked away, shackled to this place where I lay at the mercy of those who hold me hostage.

Let's start from the beginning; my name is Axel, and this is how my story came to be...

- August 3rd, 2012 - (The day before)

It was Friday morning, there was no school that day because of some holiday. I admit it, I don't keep track of many things in life, mostly because of lack of caring, but that doesn't mean I ignore everything; like everybody else, I have my interests. Hey, I might have my quirks, but I also have my graces, and lucky enough to wake up that day knowing that someone found me attractive just as I am, flaws and all. That particular person in my life was a girl I met during auditions for my rock band, her voice was something else. Maybe it was a choir of angels inside my head, numbing me down into stupidity, placing her on a tall pedestal. She had long, straight, black hair and very dark eyes to match. Her skin was one tone away from pale, but so smooth and flawless. Dressed in full black, wearing red mascara, she was clearly goth. I might've stood there like a fool staring at her as she introduced herself, Alice. She was cold at first, but after hanging out for a few months, I finally mustered the courage to ask her out on a date, to which she said yes. I was thrilled as my lungs ran out of air, and my heart felt ready to burst. Go ahead, sue me, I was seventeen at the time, and as it holds true back then, so does now the fact that I'm a hopeless romantic that had found someone to love.

Please excuse my digression, sometimes I feel the need to explain some things; as I didn't know back then how pressing this would all be in my life just a short while after. Let's say that she had an absolute belief, one very different religious view than that of my mother, to which it did not sit well with her. Discussions began, giving me the notion that an ultimatum loomed about, making me decide between my own mother and the one person that understood me better than everybody else, the one who held my heart.

Now, everything previously said came to mind as I woke up within the dark confines of my windowless bedroom. In case you were wondering, my room laid close to the heart of the house, for it was built oddly, to say the least. As so it happens, my mother decided to play architect one day and began flipping it, changing everything around to what she thought was best and who was I to argue. That day I was already set to go on a date with Alice. We were going to go to the movies and eat a fruit cocktail because we were both craving at the time. My grandma had even given me a twenty so that I could spend on something more for Alice.

Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned for me, since my mother had already made plans for the whole family to go camping that day without telling me. She and her stupid boyfriend talk about their plans between themselves and never bothered to inform my siblings or me about it. Maybe it was my care-free attitude that led her to believe that I didn't want to know, yet she forced me into a discussion about how I found it annoying that she did that. As such character trait I possessed, I also sought the quickest way to get over her arguments, ignoring her because I knew I was right for once. Not that I'm ever wrong, but I don't impose upon others if I am not sure that I am right about something.

I hadn't had breakfast before I was already packing my bags in my room, having decided to stay at my best friend's place for the night and maybe from there I'd go and see Alice. I was already thinking about stopping by the park that stood between her house and mine to pick some flowers for her. But as luck would have it, my mother would come back with a vengeance for ditching her mid-discussion. All the yelling and tossing, I decided to tell Alice that we would have to postpone our date so because I would be going camping. I could hear the disappointment in her voice, as I, too, wanted to see her. It's just one day, what could go wrong, right? Right...

Let's skip forward to the moment we arrive at the campsite. I vividly remember cussing at everything in silence, yet at the same time, I tried my best to calm down. Kids yelling in laughter and joy as they ran across the area, squirting each other with water guns; I was annoyed, unfairly wishing that they'd cease. Looking back, I know I could've handled myself better, and not to excuse myself, but I was distraught at my mother for making me go there and foiling my plans.

At this point, things were already rolling downhill but now wait to read what's to come. Remember I told you why both my mother despises Alice? Yeah, religious views, so I couldn't ask her to go with me. Now imagine how I felt when I saw that my mother brought her best friend, Cindy, and her two daughters with us. Adding salt to the wound, her idiot boyfriend, Sboc, brought along his best friend, Carl, and bag of weed. They set up a campfire and a kitchen as though they were to stay a while.

As luck would have it, Paula, Cindy's daughter, had a crush on me and wouldn't leave me alone. Go ahead, call me out on it, but I genuinely believe in being faithful. I know I'm not the only one with an archaic mindset about maintaining a healthy relationship. She wouldn't leave me alone for a second, and it only fueled the fires of rage from inside of me. I knew that I was no longer able to hide my real emotions from leaking through my facial expressions and hand gestures. So I did the one thing I knew would work at a risk; run into the woods. It worked wonders. I was finally alone enough to gather my thoughts. To be at peace.

After a while, the sunshine was drained from the sky and replaced with dark clouds. Thunder clapped and roared in the distance, getting closer. Rain followed close behind as it began to pour upon the woods. Me-time is over a thought that jetted through my mind as the first drop fell on my neck. A rushing chill carved through my skin, as though a ghost had phased through me, leaving a trail of cold air. I was disappointed, yes, but I wasn't going to be the fool that was lost and died of hypothermia, so I ran back to the campsite.

As you'd suspect, we couldn't leave during those weather conditions, so we had to stay. The plan was to spend the day there, not a day; this frustrated me beyond belief. Since we did not pack for a rainstorm, the adults stayed inside a big tent while I was left to sleep in the car along with my siblings, Paula, and her sister. I sat in the driver's seat, which meant I was also in control of the car since the keys were stuck in the ignition to keep the air conditioner on, preventing us from suffocating under the immense heat that the five of use created in a locked vehicle under heavy rain.

- August 4th, 2012 - (The main day)

The following morning, I woke up drenched sweat, for the sun had made the inside of the car feel like a microwave. As I went out to get some fresh air, I noticed there was a scent of barbecue in the air. Everybody was gathered at the picnic table, which was next to the grill. They feasted on a big plate that held a big pile of steaks, stacked on top of the other. As much as I wanted to eat, I couldn't bring myself to do so; I felt nauseated just being around Sboc and others.

In my boredom, I just sat there and took a dirty steak knife to clean it for the sake of it; my phone's battery was dead, and all the charging cables were already being used. Since I couldn't find a rag to clean it with at the table, I took my search to the car, where I sat in the back seat as I wiped the blade with an old cloth. Paula joined me, and we talked for a while, making me forget about some of my troubles, which I appreciated. Maybe this wasn't so bad after all, and it was just me in angst. It wasn't fair to anyone, but I still had other plans, and not being taken into consideration was rude. As the conversation grew longer, I decided it wasn't prudent to hold a blade in my hands, as it probably made me look like a psycho; so I stowed it away behind the seat in front of me.

The sun was already past the midway point, getting ready to set. I was frustrated again, but this time I just tried to avoid talking at all so as to not bother anyone about. All I noticed was that my mother had gotten a call and started crying. Concern grew on me, as what could've been so important as to make her sob like that? I could only guess, because they wouldn't tell me a thing at first. Sboc looked at me, took a deep breath, then said that there was a break in at our house and that my grandma was injured. I can't tell you how mad I became, knowing that my grandma could be badly hurt and scared, yet I was unable to do anything about it because it wasn't up to me to leave. The grown-ups continued their day as if nothing had happened, which only fed fuel to the fire already raging inside of me.

This is unbelievable, it took them a full three hours of smoking weed and drinking to finally get off their asses and into the vehicles to drive back home. I tried to be calmer about the situation, but I was still in the dark about what was happening, and nobody could answer my questions. Their lack of concern bothered me. Looking back, I only regret not having bottled up my emotions. Anger was never a solution. I wish I had known that, especially when we stopped to buy more booze; I was livid about the situation. At that moment, Carl comes up to us and asks if we wanted to go to a party nearby, that we could at least say "hello" and leave. I must have been fuming, but I agreed as long as it would be over soon; I desperately needed to check on my grandma. I was such a fool.

Once we arrived at the place, it was a large area surrounded by a tall stone fence that kept woods outside, isolating the building at the center. A one-story construction with barred windows and people already outside waiting to greet us. I really should have known better. When I got out of the car, a thick, brown hand reached out for my own. A short man met me with a silver smile, so I returned to politeness and smiled back, hiding my frustration. Two other men looked at me, one very tall with a flat-top, and the other was skinny with red hair.

They quickly took me inside, telling me that they heard I was a good guitar player, so they were gonna see how good I was. Pushing me harder and harder as we walked through the halls, deeper into the building, passing through the common room and a recreational area. People dressed like bums, they seemed miserable. Thoughts started rushing to my mind, and even if I didn't wanna make any assumptions. Again, such a fool. By the time it was too late, I had realized this was never a party. Blinded by my own anger that I did not see what was unfolding before my very eyes, I felt like the dumbest man alive.

The three men threw me into a white-tiled bathroom where they tore my clothes off and forced me into an ice-cold bath. As I resisted, they let the weight of their fists pound me into submission. Bleeding and battered, bruises decorated my skin. I laid on the cold floor as my stomach was met by the boot of one of them. I cried for help that never came. I reached out to anything I could get a hold of, trying to hang in there. I was clothed in old drabs, much like the people I had seen a few moments prior. All I could think of now was Alice.

They twisted my arms behind my back and took me by the neck as they drove me facing down towards the enfermary area. All this effort to dissorient me, avoiding my inevitable attempt to escape. They sat me down in front of a desk, where a skinny man looked straight at me; he held a bundle of papers in his hands before sliding them to me. I glared at the papers, it stated that my human rights have been forfeit and my life has been given to the Tallacken Rehabilitation Institution.

Disbelief flooded my mind, there had to be some sort of mistake. I repeated to them over and over that this had to be a lie, a horrible prank. Rehab? It may be hard to believe but I always resisted the pressure from friends and peers to drink, so I was definitely not an alcoholic. I don't smoke cigarettes, even less considered smoking weed or taking any kind of drug. Even as I pleaded to be believed, I was denied as they requested to go through with the full antidoping tests; which did not make me worry. I sat on that chair, with tears running down my cheeks, as I contemplated the black ink that formed the words that spelled my condemnation, and at the very bottom was the one thing that broke me; mother's signature. Air left my lungs, my heart dropped, my gut shrunk, my hopes were shattered, and all I was left doing was to wonder, why?

They explained the fine print to me, in the hopes that I would fully understand that I was under their control for the foreseeable future, for as long as they deemed it necessary. This is injustice. An outrage.

This morning, I woke up a free man only to end my day as a piece of furniture for a fake rehab center. An asset. I have been stripped of my claim as a living person. As of that day, I am nobody...

So, now you understand how everything ended for me that day. Nobody heard from me again. Then again, that's all I ever was, not crucial to the people that were supposed to care for me. Maybe I should've left that day instead of trying to keep the peace. Perhaps this day would have ended differently, but now I will never know.

I can tell you now how the arguing with my mother, the religious spar she and Alice had, the cleaning of the knife, my heavy temperament; all of this just fed fuel to a fire that led me here. Maybe it's not clear now, but in the days to come, I will tell all that there is to be told. That is my mission.

This was just the first night of my confinement. This was the end of my life as I knew it... One clear thing is that this is not the final chapter, but rather, the beginning of this horror that would torment me for the rest of my days.

This is Axel, and I hope for anyone that reads this, please let my dear Alice know that I am alive and, not well, but fighting to be reunited with her again.

I will be back as soon as I can. That is my promise.