No Turning Back

Life sure does have a funny way of punishing those that don’t deserve and rewards the evil persons that take advantage of the weak and vulnerable. Maybe I do deserve everything I’m going through. Maybe this was my fate from birth. I made a promise to myself to never bring a child into this fucked up world, especially if he or she would have a life anything like mine. So many times I’ve thought about ending my own life just so that I wouldn’t have to hurt anymore.

Here I am at the age of 22, and I was over life already. The man that I thought loved me and disrespected, manipulated and taken life from me over and over again. I’ve been with him since I was sixteen so I don’t know anything else and didn’t have anywhere else to go. I don’t know much but I do know this can’t be love. I didn’t have any family, my mom died from an overdose when I was fourteen. I was the one the found her on the bathroom floor with a needle stuck in her arm. I never knew my father and as quiet as it’s kept, I don’t think my mom knew him either. She’s been on drugs for as long as I can remember. She always put her habit before me so in a way I wasn’t even about her death. Maybe that was why I was going through so much shit.

After my mother died, I went into the foster care system. I was too old to be adopted, parents always wanted the little ones. I ended up in a group home where I was molested for months by one of the male counselors at the age of fifteen. He told me if I ever told anybody he would kill me so I kept quiet. I ended up leaving the group home and that’s when I met Blue. Blue is ten years older than me, but he would always say, age is just a number. We met at the greyhound station where I slept for two weeks because I had nowhere else to go. I ate out of the garbage and begged travelers for money during those two weeks. I stopped going to school because I didn’t have clothes or the proper hygiene. All I had was a tenth grade education.

For the couple of years, Blue was always so nice to me. He showered me with gifts and affection and he never forced sex on me considering what happen to me. I told him everything, he was like my best friend, he was all I had. All of that changed when I turned eighteen. He had turned into a completely different person, a monster. A lot of nights he wouldn’t come home and when he did he was drunk and high and that’s when the abuse started. He would rape me over and over again to the point where I would bleed. Even when he saw blood he would keep going. If I fought it, that was only asking for an ass whooping. At the tender age of 22 I have never had an enjoyable sexual experience. I’ve learned to numb the the physical pain and pretend I was somewhere else.

One time he beat me so bad that I had broken arm and two broken ribs. He made sure when I went to the hospital that I told them I fell down the stairs and of course my dumb ass went along with it, even when the nurses begged me to tell the truth. There were times when I would just lay there and ask God to let me die right there. I was at a post where I didn’t believe in God because my prayers went unanswered and cries unheard.

I was pregnant a couple of times as well. One ended in miscarriage and the other one ended in forced miscarriage. I already knew he would be pissed when he found out I was pregnant a second time. He even accused me of cheating on him , because he claims he can’t have kids. Th is man literally kicked me in my stomach repeatedly until he was tired. There’s no fucking way that was love but I still stayed. I ended up getting on birth control and he swore it was because I wanted to duck other niggas without getting pregnant. In all honesty it was because I didn’t want to go through the pain of losing another child.

I was forced to have threesomes and he even went so far as to force me to have sex with a few of his homeboys and this sick muthafucka would just sit there and watch. We’re at a point now where he brings other women home and will have sex with them while I’m in the next room. I didn’t care though, as long as it wasn’t me. Am I stupid? Is the question I asked myself everyday. I’ve never done any wrong to anyone so I couldn’t understand why I had to go through this. I knew I had to get away from him and soon. If I didn’t I would be signing my own death certificate. But where would I go? Who would help me? Those were the questions I asked myself whenever I thought about leaving. Living on my own had to be better than what I was going through.

Today would be the day though. I had my own car so all I had to do was leave. The only thing I didn’t have was money. Blue would never give me money. Whenever I needed anything he would take me to get it or give me just enough. He had a safe full of money in the bedroom closet but I have no idea what the code is. That’s when I came up with a plan to rob this nigga at gun point. I had been planning this day for months now, but I could never muster up the courage to go through with it. There could only be two outcomes, either I would get away or he would kill me. At this point I was ready to die anyway.

It was Friday night and I knew he would be coming in late, he always did. When he left out earlier in the day, I packed my bags and put them in my trunk. I sat around for hours contemplating on if I wanted to go through with this tonight. I came to the conclusion that it was either now or never. I knew he had a gun hidden under the living room couch and he also showed me how to use it when we first met. I made sure it was unlocked and loaded. I had so much courage tonight but I was still scared.

As I sat at the dining room table, I thought about giving up and going to bed. I decided to take a shot of Hennessy to knock the edge off. I wasn’t really a drinker so I felt the rush almost right away. Almost an hour later I heard him pulling into the driveway.

You can do this. Don’t back out now. I thought to myself. I positioned myself behind the front door and waited for him to walk in. I watched him through the window as he staggered toward the front door. I could feel my heart beating through my chest.

“Why the fuck is it so dark?” He said upon entering.

“Don’t take another step.” I said trying to make my voice deeper.

“This gotta be a fucking joke.” He said

“Well it’s not, now getting your black ass up the stairs.” I said as I pressed the gun to his back

“Arion?” He asked, I guess catching on to my voice.

“Stop asking me questions and do what the fuck I said.” I replied

“Bitch you done lost your fucking mind.”

“Yeah I did when I trusted you. Now get in there and open that safe.” I said.

“I guess I’m suppose to be scared.” He said with a laugh.

This nigga was really taking me as a joke. I took it a step further and shot him in his arm.

“Aahhhh!.” He yelled out in pain.

That wasn’t apart of the plan but I must admit it did feel good to be the cause of his pain. The sound of the gun actually scared me but he didn’t know that. I felt a rush shoot through my body when I pulled the trigger.

“Get in there NOW!” I yelled

I walked him to the room where the safe was and he dropped to his knees to open the safe.

“Bitch I’m killing you when I catch you.” He said

“Yeah yeah, you have to catch me first. Now open it!” I said

I knew he would try something slick so I put a tight grip on the trigger and pressed the cold steel to the back of his head.

Once the safe was open I knocked him upside the head with the butt of the gun. He was knocked out cold but I didn’t know for how long. I loaded up a duffle bag and step over his unconscious body like it was nothing. I fired two more shots into his upper body. I didn’t know if he was dead or not but I didn’t care. Standing over him looking at his half lifeless body, I felt no remorse. I felt powerful, and in charge of my life for once. I grabbed my keys and hauled ass through the kitchen door to the garage to my car. I kept the gun in case I needed it. When I pulled out the driveway, I had no idea where I was going but I knew I was never coming back.