Necessity

“Under the mattress!” I yell. I can feel my throat tearing but the bloods pumping too fast to care.

“Fuck you mean under the mattress?” he yells back. I guess his respect goes out the window when the tension’s high.

“You know old people always putting money under they mattress and shit, just look!” I can see it in his eyes. He knows he ain’t got time to argue.

“No, please! That’s for my grandkids!” the woman cries. I hear her voice and I look in her eyes. Involuntarily my grip relaxes, muscles wean, and my gun begins to drop.

“Oh shit! You seeing this?” I switch my gaze to the bed. The frame is covered in notes, ones, fives, tens, the lot. “There’s gotta be at least a couple grand.”

“Please!”

“Will you shut her up? Goddamn!” Against my primal instinct, my heart and everything in between, I point my weapon firmly at the elderly woman. She is weeping in her palms now and I feel the worst I have ever felt. I am a monster. “Don’t pussy out on me now man, not now,” he says as he stuffs the notes into the large duffel bag. “This is getting heavy as fuck I’m going to need some help. Pass your bag.”

The cold Alaskan air shreds our lungs as we jog down the driveway. The weighty duffel bags knocks against my side and the pain is building, but once again the blood is rushing too fast for it to matter. I’ve been running up down the court for years, but there ain’t a gym in the state that can prepare you for this. I taste the blood in my mouth, the pain in my legs and the bruising on my side, but that ain’t shit compared to the thought of the scared old woman in my mind. If I wasn’t running for my life, I’d turn this gun on me. We put the bags in the trunk with our masks and get in the car. It is only a matter of time before the boys in blue arrive. We drive through the Alaskan wasteland as fast and innocuous as the dense fog allows. A small town like this it’s going to be hard to get home without getting questioned, but that wasn’t a problem. ‘If you’re going to do something, do it right’ Dad said, this was no exception.

“Hey boys. Where are you off to tonight?” the officer says, trying to hide his suspicion.

“Just heading home officer, just delivering something,” he says. He was always a brilliant liar, could not beat him at poker.

“A delivery? It’s a bit late for a delivery don’t you think.” The officers eyes squint slightly, but he wasn’t phased.

“Guess it’s dinner time somewhere. Are we good to go officer?”

“Where’s the bag?” My heart skips a beat.

“The what officer?” He keeps a straight face.

“The bag. The one that keeps the food warm.” I almost sigh.

“It’s in the trunk officer. Are we done?”

“You mind if I have look then.” My heart starts pumping. This is it, this is how it ends.

“Do you have a warrant?” he says to the cop with narrowing eyes. The cop looks back at him. After a brief pause that feels like an eternity, the cop finally says,

“Alright you boys have a good night.” I quietly sigh as we continue our ride home.

“Holy shit bro.” I say

“We ain’t doing this again. You should count your lucky stars he didn’t hear you sigh otherwise after we capped those pigs, I would’ve put one in you for getting me into that mess. Once I drop you off, I never want to see you again. You ain’t got the nerve for this, you’re bad news.” Rejection usually never feels good, but this time I couldn’t be more grateful. I wanted out of this the moment I signed up.

“You ain’t gonna believe this sis.”

“I don’t care about your Mario kart high score. I didn’t care about it last time, I don’t care about it now.” I laugh to myself. She always thought she was three steps ahead of everyone else, but not this time.

“Nah nah sis it’s a little bit better than that. You know that little petrusion coming out your belly.”

“My baby? You mean my baby?” She looks at me with those unimpressed eyes every brother knows.

“Yeah that. You can finally get rid of it.” She looks at me with surprise, but she’s doubtful.

“You mean you just got one and a half grand just lying around.”

“Twenty grand actually.” She looks at me even more surprised.

“Bullshit. Where did your poor ass get twenty grand from.” She pretends like she doesn’t believe me, but I see the hope in her eyes.

“I’ve been hustling. You know that guy I’ve been hanging out with, he’s got connections.

“You’ve been selling drugs?” I laugh nervously.

“Nah nah nothing like that. Just trust me alright, it’s totally legit.” She doesn’t trust me, but she knows I got the money, and I know that she wants to get rid of her baby more than anything in the world. So just this once, she’s going to pretend like she trusts me.

“Yeah ok then. Let’s get rid of this thing,” she says, pointing at her stomach.

“Hell yeah sis, hell yeah!” All mistrusts and doubts wash away when I wrap my arms around her, and hers around me. For too long has she not shown her love to me. I feel like I’m on the top of the world, like I’m unstoppable.

“Stop! Please stop!” the protesters cry as we walk past. “Stop!” a woman shrieks and she grabs my sisters arm.

“Get your hands off me crazy bitch!” she brushes her off. She always was a fighter.

“You’re killing God’s children! Please don’t go in there!” She doesn’t show it, but I know those words cut her. We sit inside. They hand her a form. She fills it in. The clinic is dead silent. I look at the other patients, each showing the same expression as my sister. Dread. She hands the form to the receptionist. After a brief interaction she sits back down next to me.

“They can’t do it,” she whispers.

“They what? Why not?” I say, panicking.

“It’s too late. I’m too late. They don’t do it past the first trimester,” she says, her voice shaking now.

“Oh shit. Oh God.” I bury my face in my hands.

“Oh my goodness! You didn’t do it! God smiles on you! He is proud of you!” I tell her to ignore them as we make our way to the car. She’s mostly unresponsive, but she still knows how to walk. We get in the car and drive home, not a word is spoken.

“It’s going to be alright sis ok I’ll sort it out.” I check and hope to see her eyes light up even the slightest, but they don’t.

“I’m going to sort it out ok. I’ll go talk to some people, make some calls. You just sit tight and keep busy, watch a movie or something alright. Thinking about it won’t change nothing.” She doesn’t respond. “Alright I’ll be a couple of hours tops. See you soon.” I drop her off at that house, and start the long drive to the warehouse.

“You gotta help me out man.”

“I told you we ain’t doing this again. Now you know I never say things twice.” He looks at me with cold anger. My heart races.

“I know I know, This is different ok. Just a small favour for a friend. You know I’m good for my money.”

“What is it?” I relax slightly.

“My sister. She’s past her first trimester but needs the baby gone. Can you help me out?”

“Oh shit. Abortions ain’t cheap you know that.”

“It doesn’t matter I’ll pay anything.”

“it’ll pretty much set you back the whole stash,” he continues. I know he’s ripping me off, but he’s to hard to argue with and I’m too desperate to care.

“That’s all good but I need it ASAP.”

“Yeah man that’s all good. You still at that old crib?”

“That’s the one.”

“Alright I’ll send someone over in a few hours, that work?

“Perfect, thank you so much, seriously.”

“This is the last time. I’m not fucking around.” He looks at me with those eyes.

“Yes. Goodbye.” I stand outside the warehouse and try to call her, she doesn’t pick up. I try again. Nothing. I get in my car and drive another for another hour home. Alaska is a beautiful place, but the long drives really get to you sometimes. On the way home, I think about it all. I think about the scared old woman, who never asked to be robbed. I think about my sister, who never asked for this baby. I think about myself, who never asked to be a criminal. I wonder how things could’ve changed. If I’d studied harder in school. If she had never gone to that party. If she’d put her money in the bank instead of under her mattress. Perhaps the pain doesn’t lie in the present, but instead in the knowledge that it could’ve been different.

“I’ve done it again sis!” I yell, echoing off the empty house walls.

“Sis?” The house is nearly absolutely dead quiet apart from the faint sound of the tap running from upstairs. “Sis?” I say, walking up the stairs as the sound of the running water grows louder. The bathroom door is closed, and light is seeping from underneath the doorframe. “Everything alright?” Nothing. “I’m going to come in now ok?” I slowly open the door expecting an objection, a cry, anything. The door continues opening and I become fixated on the crimson water covering the bathroom floor. I switch my gaze to the tub. “Oh.”

“And that’s when you saw her?” The officer asks.

‘Yes.”

“Any signs of forced entry? Anyone else in the house?”

“No.”

“Well alright. You got anyone to stay with tonight?”

“No.”

“Well feel free to come down to the station while we clean this up. You look familiar, have we met?”

“I’m not sure officer.”

“Ah well. It’s a small town I suppose. Well we can take you to the station or you can hand around it’s up to you.”

“I’d just like a moment thanks.” After the cop leaves, my phone rings.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he yells.

“What?” I ask.

“My man says he saw cops at your house. You trying to bust my boys?”

“No that’s not what happened.”

“I trust my boy ok. You better grow eyes in the back of your head man. I’m going to fuck you up when you least expect it.”

“No please-“ he hangs up. I go inside and get the only thing that ever mattered to my sister, her diary. It is a small black book with all her thoughts and feelings. I begin to read it. She talks about the things that make her happy, the things that make her sad. Hateful curses towards the man that violated her that night, and how much she loves her brothers comfort. I drive out to the old woman’s house and at her front door I leave my half of the cash with the book inside, with an extra page written by me. I turn towards my car, but I don’t get in. I continue my march into the cold, unforgiven Alaskan wilderness. I feel the crunch of snow underneath my feet, the cold air flowing around my body. I go deeper and deeper into the forest, feeling every moment of the cold embrace. My legs begin to shake, and soon I fall. I feel myself slipping away, I latch onto the thick substance-less abyss, and my eyes finally close.