Just Let Me Die Here (A Serialized Novel) 4

On my way home from campus, I stop in at the grocery store to get some things for dinner. And a nice bottle of wine. Something bold, spicy, and a tad pricier than our usual twenty-dollar bottles. This grant is definitely a cause for celebration and a great start to our vacation. Other than that, I don’t know what to get. I used to be much better at planning out meals for the whole week, but recently, it’s been more of a day by day thing. I find less food goes to waste that way. There always seems to be too much left over.

I’m in the produce section, trying to decide between two avocados, I never can tell what’s ripe and what’s just too far gone, when I look up to see two very familiar faces.

Laura and Dan Sanders. Tucker has been friends with Dan since high school and the four of us used to hang out all the time. However, we haven’t seen much of them recently. With a baby at home, Tucker and I haven’t seen much of anybody really. It’s just so hard to schedule around Millie’s naps and feedings and such. But it is a shame. I really like Laura, and it’s always nice to have couple friends to hang out with where both you and your partner enjoy both people in the other couple. Definitely a hard balance to achieve.

They see me, and there is a moment of hesitation in their faces. But I blink, and it’s gone.

“August?” Laura says, moving slowly towards me, like I’m some cat she doesn’t want to scare off. “Is that you?”

“Laura, Dan. Hi.” I put both avocados in my cart and step towards them.

“It’s been a while,” says Dan, pushing their cart up next to his wife.

“Yeah,” I say. “It has. I’ve been meaning to call, but you know how it is.” They both nod solemnly.

“How are you doing?” Laura asks. She reaches out and takes my hand, giving it a light squeeze. There is an identical look on both their faces. Almost like pity. I never knew them to be ones who thought having children was such a death sentence, but maybe that’s why they still don’t have kids of their own. I can certainly imagine they wouldn’t want to give up all the spontaneous jet-setting they do.

“I’m fine,” I say. Their faces momentarily shift to sadness. “Fine,” I repeat. “We’re all fine.”

“Yes,” Dan says, perking back up. “Good.” I smile to try and show them that I really am doing just fine, but for some reason they don’t seem to believe me.

“Actually, going on vacation soon,” I say. “Skiing up in Canada.”

“Wow,” says Laura. “Good for you.”

“That will be awesome,” says Dan.

“Look,” Laura says. “We really have to run, but we seriously want to get together soon.”

“Yes,” I say. “Definitely. We’ll have to have you over for dinner.” Laura’s face scrunches, like I’ve just said something she can’t understand. “Definitely soon,” I say.

“Alright,” says Dan.

“And, August, please,” says Laura. “If you need anything. Anything. Please let us know.”

“Um, okay. Thank you.”

I watch the two walk away towards the check-out counters, Laura glancing back once in my direction. That was strange. They seemed off. Or like they thought I was off. But maybe I am just reading them wrong. It’s been a long day, and I’m exhausted.

When I get home, Millie is playing with her stacking cups on the floor of the family room while Tucker watches the Laker game. Tucker is a Clippers fan, but avidly watches the Lakers to “keep an eye on them”.

“Who’s winning?” I ask.

“Fucking refs can’t see two feet in front of them,” he replies. The Lakers are winning.

“Hey, I just ran into Laura and Dan at the store,” I say from the kitchen as I unpack the groceries.

“Oh yeah? How’s he doing?”

“Dan? Seems to be doing fine. Laura too. I told them we would have them over soon. What do you think? When we get back from our trip?”

“Yeah, sure. I’ll give Dan a call soon. Work something out. So, what’s for dinner?”

Tucker watches the second half of the game after Millie goes to sleep, and I take the opportunity to catch up on some reading in the bedroom. But the peaceful image on the baby monitor proves to be too distracting. Recently, more and more when Millie is asleep, I find that I miss her. She is becoming a real person, with such a strong personality, and I love spending time with her. I’ve gotten used to her being there all the time. So, in the moments when she is not by my side, I actually miss her. I know she’s just in the other room. But when she’s asleep, it’s like she’s worlds away. I try to tell myself that this is normal, but then I add it to the growing list of things that I am finding incredibly difficult with motherhood. It is a private rotation of worries that play the loudest when I lie awake at night.

You should be worried.

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