How to Feel Safe at Night

It is late, some would even call it early. You are alone, en route from your location to your mode of transportation, whether it be your car, the bus or subway, or even a taxi or rideshare; or, you live close enough to head directly home. The streets are empty, for the most part, save for the few straggling patrons spilling out the closing bars and perhaps a few houseless travelers, dozing on the sidewalks. It's dark. The streetlights offer little but a yellow haze directly below, leaving the rest of the street enveloped in an inky and mysterious blackness. You know this route like the back of your hand. You have traveled it every day for months or even years. You know which lights to cross at, where there are imperfections in the sidewalk to avoid and even the scents wafting from the various restaurants and cafes by heart. For some of us, this scenario is immediately familiar, a snapshot of our daily lives. The question is: when you put yourself in the situation and become the person it describes, how do you feel? Do you feel content? Rushed? Are you at ease with your surroundings? Or are you like 61% of the population? Are you afraid?

In a recent TikTok post, the question "What would you do if there were no men on earth for 24 hours" was asked. The responses from women went viral almost immediately, gaining nationwide interest as most of them were as simple as "walk alone at night" and "wear whatever I want". Since the rise of the #metoo movement, the sad truth has finally been heard and normalized that women, simply put, do not feel safe. Too often, women find themselves taking drastic measures to feel some fraction of secure in a world we feel takes no interest in our security.

Most women have been told by anyone from family members to police all of the things we need to do to protect ourselves. From an early age, it is drilled into our heads that our safety is our responsibility, that we need to stay vigilant at all times and avoid "risky behavior". Common examples of this include: Don't walk alone at night. Only park in well lit areas. Don't linger in your parked car for too long after entering it. All of these can be considered common sense, of course, but these are only the icy tip of a very disturbing iceberg. Years ago, when the internet was still fairly novelty and chain emails were all the rage, many of us opened our inboxes to find a forwarded email from an older female friend or relative. The message went on to explain that an interview had taken place with various rapists and sexual abusers in prison and what followed was a list of helpful rape avoidance tips. In this list, we learned not to wear our hair long or in a ponytail as those hairstyles were the easiest to grab, and apparently, the first thing rapists look for is hairstyle. We learned not to wear clothing that was easy to remove quickly with scissors like sundresses or overalls. Rapists avoid women who have objects like umbrellas or other items that can be used as a weapon. And according to this common auntie shared, viral email, the number one place women are abducted is grocery store parking lots, number two is office parking lots and garages followed by public restrooms at number three.

So many of us took this advice as gospel, after all who better to give advice on how to avoid a rapist than a rapist himself. Many of us changed our routines, our hair, our clothing. Then came the advent of the social media post telling us the bizarre yet "common" ways sex traffickers were abducting women from their lives and selling them into slavery. In the first viral post, gaining over 90,000 shares, Ashley Hardacre described an evening when she was leaving her job at a local mall. As she got into her vehicle she realized there was a blue flannel shirt lying on her windshield. She described two running cars in her immediate vicinity, giving her the clarity of mind to drive to a more secure location to remove the offending piece of clothing.

Shortly after the Hardacre's story, another similar tale of a Wisconsin woman who was shocked to find an expensive looking ring clipped to her windshield was shared. "This is exactly how human trafficking and abductions take place!", the poster, the daughter of the woman described exclaimed, "They probably watched her get out of her car, placed it on her window and waited for her to come back!" As women, we now had more specific ways to remain vigilant.

While all of this advice is helpful, it has done little to quash the belief that women are not safe alone. In fact, what it has done is solidify it. We make our way through our lives living with the undercurrent of fear that at any moment, we could be the next internet story of an unsuspecting woman abducted and attacked. It's not such an unfounded fear. According to a study by RAINN, one out of every six American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime. One woman compared the idea of sexual assault for woman to getting a flat tire. "It's not about if it is going to happen, it's when. So you try to take precautions to prevent it, but you have a plan in place for what to do when it does."

A few women shared their methods of taking such precautions. "I talk on the phone, " Edie, a dance teacher, said, " I used to get out of work late at night when I worked downtown, sometimes as late as 2 am. I made a call and just talked until I got there. That way if anything happened they would know my whereabouts and could hear my description of the assailant."

Erica, a drama therapist said, "When I enter my home, I smell the air to see if there are any strange cologne/aftershave smells that don't belong there."

"I always have my keys in hand, " said Gloria, a schoolteacher, "so I can be ready to press my car alarm." She went on to say that she keeps an extra set of keys near her bed so she can press the alarm there should anyone attack her in her own home.

Some women went on to describe the terrifying ways they came to adopt these practices. A former bartender, Maegan spoke about how she feels the need to remain vigilant in even taxis or rideshares. "I always stay on high alert and watch the gps on my own phone, " she said. She explained that she began doing this after a Lyft driver became aggressive with her after she attempted to tell him he was going the wrong way while driving her home. They argued and he eventually conceded, following the correct route, "But I was preparing an exit strategy" she said, implying that she believed at the time there may be a need to make a drastic escape from the vehicle.

Another woman described an assault that took place in a parking lot, marking the genesis of her hyper awareness in quiet, unpopulated stores. She had gone to a thrift store that evening for some last minute shopping. She said she hadn't noticed anyone following her inside the store but that she saw him as soon as she was outside. "I was immediately afraid", she said, "He started yelling at me to stop because he needed to talk to me. I was taught to be polite and so I did." Many women describe this same innate responsibility felt from a young age to acquiesce and be friendly even in the face of extreme discomfort. She went on, "I don't even remember what he said. I think I was trying to be nice but was in panic mode because I was starting to realize he was either on drugs or mentally unstable." The man then grabbed her hair in several places. He licked the tips of his fingers and reached out in an attempt to touch her face with them. "That's when I said 'Ok, I gotta go.' I bolted for my car which was maybe ten feet away. He kept yelling for me to stop while I was getting into the car and got very angry when I started the engine." After she put her car into gear, the man leapt onto the hood and slid toward her on his stomach. Terrified, she slammed the car in reverse and started driving which forced the assailant off of her car. She then drove away as fast as she could, stopping to call the police only when she finally felt safe. She recalls the feeling of dread she felt as she realized that the store she had just left was empty with only one woman working alone inside. It wasn't until six months later when the police were finally able to make an arrest.

Men are given variations of the same advice: Walk with confidence, have your keys ready, avoid dark alleys, etc, but none with the specificity and urgency that women are warned.

As we've transitioned into a time when the safety of women has gained attention, we sadly remain at a standstill, following the same tired routine of advising women by way of fear, to prevent assault. The trope of the scary, bad man lurking in the shadows stays neatly tucked into the back of our minds, changing our walking routes, our clothing and even our hair while creating a longing for a place free from that fear, even if it meant a world without men. Of course, we'd never truly want such a place. A life without our fathers, brothers, partners and friends would certainly be a life lacking its heart. However, in a world where predators seem to triumph and victims remain silenced, we are left continuing to wonder: Will being a woman ever be safe?