Every Breath You Take

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I wrote this before the arrest of Ghislaine Maxwell, which is a HUGE win. I wanted to freeze the moment in time before it gets any juicier - which we all hope it does - for the sake of the victims, and the sake of humanity. Enjoy!

She finally got away from him.

She was his slave and kept promising her more and more but got less and less. She felt less and less human. All she wanted was enough money to go to massage school. That's how they met, too. He conned her into giving him a "massage" after he spotted her reading a book about massage therapy at the country club she worked at.

He pimped her out to the elites. He flew her everywhere and anywhere for underage sex with whoever could afford it. He took her teenage years from her. And she just couldn't break away. He made it so hard. So did his best friend, a female partner in crime. They had an entire team of people who were paid to look the other way. An entourage that would rival that of a royal family.

And there were others like her being held against their will. From all over the world, all sorts of backgrounds. A flavor for everyone. Captives held in a stable for those who wanted a thrill. A thrill they just don't stop seeking. Because the adrenaline from their high-powered lives stop scratching the itch after awhile, and so they seek more. more power.

She knew so much, too much. There were pictures of her with people who shouldn't have been. People who you'd think would be too public to know better.

His right hand girl told her that she could attend a massage school in Chiang Mai if she recruited a girl to bring back for him. She went, not like she had a choice.

And then she met him. Her savior. He was a trained fighter, the knight she'd been praying for, dreaming about. She told him everything. He held her safe. He'd protect her. She just knew, trusted him with her soul. The soul that would risk dying to be set free. He told her she didn't have to go back to him. And she didn't.

"Have a nice life." That's all he said when she told him she wasn't returning and was moving to Australia with her new husband. And for a moment, she was free, even though it took her awhile to let it sink in. Even if the freedom was temporary, it was palpable. Real.

And then things started to crumble around her captor. An investigation back home was underway. A young girl's parents discovered his claws in her and reported him to the authorities. Their daughter was giving massages in exchange for money from a man who also molested her. Pressed her for more and more, promising more and more in exchange. All too familiar.

She panicked, wondering if she was safe in Australia. If the new life she was creating would get ripped out from under her just like her high school years. She found out she was named and identified as a victim by someone back home.

She didn't even wonder how they found her. They could find anyone. The power they had was unfathomable. But they did. They called her at home. First, Bonnie.

Then Clyde. His voice on the other end felt like a taser gun to the throat. He wanted her to tell him everything, and then he wanted her to shut up. He knew where she was, who she was with. He didn't have to say much. But she wasn't going to let him own her again. She was going to talk.

She hangs up the phone, and then "Every Breath You Take" comes on. The first drumbeat is timed perfectly with Virginia Roberts Giuffre, hanging up the phone with Jeffrey Epstein. And then a black screen, and the credits. And then the little Netflix "next episode" progress bar at the bottom right.

At least, that's how it goes in my head.

I first found out about the Epstein case in 2018, shortly after I discovered like 894723486 different schools of conspiratorial thought at once. I came across a picture of this strange blue and white striped, golden building on this random Caribbean island. I was so intrigued, like who wouldn't want to know what the fuck was in there? Have you seen it?

And then I fell headfirst into the entire case. The people he was tied to. The girls. The plane. The properties. It was unreal. And how he was somehow still allowed to just saunter through life, hobnobbing with everyone and anyone. Starting charitable organizations while he was supposed to be serving jail time. Avoiding basically any and all repercussions for some absolutely heinous crimes.

I just couldn't get over it. Why wasn't anyone else talking about it? I felt like it was all I COULD talk about. But it's a lot like most other things that come across our attention spans. News has to meet certain criteria to even get put out there, and then it has a shelf life. People forget if it's not constantly being reinforced. And that's when it dawned on me: this was purposely not being reinforced in our consciousness, let alone getting any serious airtime. And that's when I started to see the bigger picture.

I started to remember all of the newsworthy things on this planet that were sensationalized and then forgotten during my lifetime. Except for the occasional reminder of the anniversary date, or reference to it in a movie, these things came and left society's radar as fast as we got over big fake tits and bleach blonde hair.

Columbine. The Oklahoma City Bombing. Earthquakes in California. Hurricane Katrina. The OJ Trial. Casey Anthony. Lorena Bobbitt. JonBenet Ramsey. All here and gone. Even 9/11 became like that for me, unfortunately. It's like the moment these things happen, you're like, "oh there's no way I won't go a day thinking about this." And they just like the high school breakup you don't think you'll ever get over, it just fades away.

I'm not sure why I got so into the Epstein case. Maybe it's because I was intrigued by his famous friends and straight up mystery of how he became connected with them in the first place. Maybe it was because I could see myself in all of his victims that came forward, remembering exactly what it was like to be a doe-eyed, people pleasing teenager, just looking for extra cash. Maybe it was because after a certain point in my awakening, I stopped tolerating things at face value and knew there was always more to a story.

Or maybe it was that thing that happened to us in the Bahamas while we were on a college spring break trip sophomore year. That time where we naively got into a limo with a bunch of old guys who said they worked for Bacardi. Who told us we were invited to a company party with unlimited booze and music. Who didn't tell us that we'd be walking into a room full of naked girls who looked just like us.

"Why don't you get up there?" one of them said to me. I looked at him and asked him if he had daughters. He stared at me as if i was speaking a different language. We left shortly after.

It's a combination of everything.

And then this fucker gets arrested. I couldn't believe it! It was one of the only conspiracy "prophecies" that came true at the time, and I was floored. And then more started to come out. More victims. more connections. I was following the money. Following it so hard that it lead me to places where I realized I personally had a Kevin Bacon degrees of separation connection to Epstein. Wild as hell.

SO obviously, I was just chomping at the bit for everything to come tumbling down. Because that's what the good guys do, right? Make sure justice is served. I was finally going to see the biggest criminal in my lifetime get his ass handed to him.

But then I dug more. Went deeper. Came across some really dark shit that's somewhere between true and unthinkable. Eugenics research. Wanting to create a perfect race. Secretly pulling the strings behind the Victoria's Secret conglomerate. Shocking connections.

And that's when I realized that we probably weren't going to see Epstein get the level of punishment he deserved. It deflated me. But I was still holding on to the hope that he'd at the VERY least get put away for what he did to all of these teenage girls. THAT all at least was very public, and very provable. Right? Wasn't it? And then all of THAT would eventually maybe lead to frying all of the bigger fish that need to be fried so badly. Wouldn't it?

And then her "kills himself." Absolutely unbelievable.

But you know what? In this world, it IS believable.

I remember when i found out about it, my GUT REACTION was a calm, collected, "of course he did." And by of course he did, I mean of course he DIDN'T. this guy didn't kill himself. at least not the way everyone thinks he did. there are so many fucking theories, you can literally choose your own adventure here. But bottom line, this "death" stinks.

And of course, this was sensationalized all over the news. About how the guards maybe like, fell asleep. Or how something was wrong with the security system (in a super max prison, that's really reassuring). And how his prison roomie was conveniently...absent. I mean COME ON. Is this a fucked up Scooby Doo mystery? Whose mask do I need to pull off?

Are we really this dumb to believe that THIS is what happened to this guy? Conveniently right before he was probably going to give up some major names? No one in their right mind could possibly believe what we're expected to believe here. But in the end, it doesn't really matter what we believe when it's not something we think about anymore.

We move on to other sensational news once the manufactured buzz dies down. We're distracted by new news with it's own shelf life. Lather, rinse, repeat forever and ever.

And usually, I don't really give a shit. But this one REALLY bugs me. I can't just let this one go. It's a joke with my friends and family now. I'm now the proud owner of an "Epstein Didn't Kill Himself" ugly Christmas sweater. I re-post Epstein memes whenever I see them. Yeah, it's funny and all, but deep (or not so deep) down I'm making a point.

We can't just forget about big things that happen that go unsolved, just because they're not on TV anymore. And we can't settle for the watered down, recycled content put out about cases like this, knowing full well it's not the whole story. There are SO so many things that could get turned around if only enough people stayed on it and pushed it into the hands of the right people. Look at "Making A Murder". You always hear about a new court case or a new piece of evidence. A new team that wants to take it on for free and help bring justice where it's due.

And while I know Steven Avery is child's play compared to the pedophile industrial complex known as Epstein Enterprises, that doesn't mean that the power of keeping important things in the minds of the masses can't change the world. A tall order, I know. But not impossible.

I think about Virginia and the other victims and how they must feel as they watch the world in real time learn about, get hyped about, and then forget about the hell they must have lived through. How this guy just destroyed their lives without any remorse. They're the ones I keep Epstein in everyone's consciousness for. Them and all of the underground others who have no voice.

I scripted that entire phone scene in my head the first time I heard "Every Breath You Take" post-Epstein. What that must have felt like to have all of the memories of someone owning you come flooding back. Feel your captors voice vibrate through you from the other side of the world, feeling like he's making you give one of his "massages". All the times she wanted to leave but couldn't. The blackmail. The other girls.

The song also holds a double meaning for me, in that I'm still watching him. Whether he's alive or dead, there is still so much that I'm staying alert for. I keep the hope alive that we're not done yet. There's still so much justice that needs to be served, so much truth that has to come to light. And it always comes to light.

I was on a picnic with friends a couple of weeks ago and after three beers, I proclaimed, "the world might have forgotten about Jeffrey Epstein, but I fucking didn't". And if that's not a total mood to adopt for a cause you care about, then I don't know what is.

Natalie Windle is a writer and a self-proclaimed system-buster. She lives in the City of Brotherly Love with her husband and her Pomeranian. Her first book, "Rude Awakening: A Mixtape" is due out at the end of 2020. IG: @natalieawindle