Dark Athyx Fantasy Productions

INT. STUDIO - DAY

NARRATOR

Episode One: The Lash of Malloc written by Travis Heermann and published by AEG under the Open Gaming License; Copyright by Wizard’s of the Coast 2000. Podcast Script written by W.S. Klass. Stripper Connection written by W.S. Klass and performed by W.S. Klass.

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INT. STUDIO - DAY

NARRATOR

Our four fantasy heroes, Kermit the Bullywug, Mikey the Sorcerer, The Long-Eared One, and Sockeye the Pugilist embark together through a desert somewhere on a fantasy world they have never before visited.

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

It’s [Expletive Deleted] hot out you guys. My skin is drying out under the desert sun.

SOCKEYE THE PUGILIST

Yus just needs ta drink more water.

NARRATOR

Kermit the Bullywug drinks the last of his water from his waterskin shaking it until the very last drop falls upon the tip of his died out amphibious tongue.

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

This is bull-[Expletive Deleted] I tell you.

MIKEY THE SORCERER

Stop your [Expletive Deleted] frog!

NARRATOR

The Long-Eared One stops his comrades with an outstretched arm and points ahead. What they see silences them for an instant.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

Aaeh... Anyone thirsty?

NARRATOR

Ahead of them they saw an oasis. Nestled in the shade of several prominent rock outcroppings appears to be a large pool of water, surrounding by several palm trees and flowering bushes, a welcome sight after so many long hours and days of nothing but endless sandy wasteland. Kermit the Bullywug looks to each of his comrades one by one and then back to the oasis.

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

Yaaay!

NARRATOR

Kermit the Bullywug leaped as he screamed with glee. His powerful legs allowed him to spring high above his comrades and clear a great distance with minimal energy being expended. His comrades took off running towards the oasis behind their bullywug friend. Kermit the Bullywug splashed down into the water, drinking as he swam and cooled his dried out amphibious skin. It wasn’t long before his friends were doing the same.

MIKEY THE SORCERER

There’s nothing better than water in such an arid climate.

NARRATOR

Sockeye the Pugilist chuckles along with The Long-Eared One.

NARRATOR (CONT'D)

Cooling their bodies externally as well as internally, the heroes enjoyed themselves. It wasn’t until The Long-Eared One had cooled himself down a bit that he noticed an encampment of desert nomads nearby.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

Uhh... Hey fellas. We’re not alone.

NARRATOR

The Long-Eared One pointed to show his friends who were too caught up in their fun to notice themselves.

MIKEY THE SORCERER

That may be a problem.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

They may be peaceful.

SOCKEYE THE PUGILIST

If not, we can just knock their blocks off. Eh-ga-ga-ga.

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

They better be willing to share this oasis or I’m slitting some [Expletive Deleted] throats tonight.

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INT. STUDIO - DAY

NARRATOR

Our heroes finish cooling off and refilling their water-skins before cautiously approaching the desert nomad encampment. As they grew closer, The Long-Eared One could hear some of the desert nomads quietly talking.

DESERT NOMAD 1

What are those strange little mummies that disappear like ghosts after stealing our provisions and supplies and sometimes small children?

NARRATOR

The long ears of The Long-Eared One twitched and his face contorted as he continued to listen.

DESERT NOMAD 2

I do not know, but I do not trust this Malloc as far as I can throw him.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

This sounds like some bad stuff guys. I mean like scary monsters and missing children.

SOCKEYE THE PUGILIST

Missing children? That burns me hide.

MIKEY THE SORCERER

We need to help!

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

Can I just wait at the water hole?

THE LONG-EARED ONE

No Kermit the Bullywug.

MIKEY THE SORCERER

The Long-Eared One is right. If we do this, we need to do it together.

SOCKEYE THE PUGILIST

I’m game to knock someone’s block off!

NARRATOR

Kermit the Bullywug reluctantly followed his comrades. This world was a dark place and they had stumbled upon a band of nomads that needed their help. The four odd beings entered the encampment together and the nomads looked at them in disbelief.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

Hey Mike, I think you should handle the diplomatic relations.

MIKEY THE SORCERER

Huh-huh. Okay! Desert folk, we come in peace. We overheard you were having troubles and offer our aid to you in exchange for the use of your oasis and safe passage.

DESERT NOMAD 1

You are welcome here, strangers. We sleep under the stars but nearby is the Desert Beetle Inn. It may suite your amphibious friend better than the blistering sun.

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

Ooh. Many thanks.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

Yes, many thanks.

NARRATOR

The four comrades said their farewells to the desert nomads and headed to the nearby inn. It wasn’t far from the oasis.

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INT. STUDIO - DAY

NARRATOR

The structure is the only symbol of order in the vast, scorching wasteland. It looks like a solid block of stucco rising out of the sand. The entire building is a walled compound with heavy wooden gates facing the east and the west. Both gates appear to bolt only from the inside. The walls stand twelve feet high, with a second story visible standing above the back, and the roofs of some interior buildings just visible over the walls. A four-foot sign stands above the south wall facing the water hole, reading: The Desert Beetle The Coldest Water! The finest Spirits! The Best Bread Anywhere! Wagons and caravans of people could be seen coming and going from the gates. The Long-Eared One and his comrades took a moment to study the compound from afar before heading towards the west gate entrance. They entered a courtyard as they passed through the gate. The courtyard is hard-packed sand. A stout wooden rail about three feet high encircles the courtyard so guests may hitch their horses or camels. Two young girls stand drawing water from the well at the center, filling the water trough for the travelers passing through. The girls are dressed in layered white robes for protection from the sun, and their eyes are downcast, their faces sullen.

MIKEY THE SORCERER

These folks look like they could use some cheering up.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

I’m not sure any song or dance would improve their spirits Mike.

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

Everyone loves a great show-tune!

SOCKEYE THE PUGILIST

They’re slaves. The poor girls.

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

Slaves? Is that legal here?

SOCKEYE THE PUGILIST

I tinks we needs ta inveskagate.

MIKEY THE SORCERER

Kermit the Bullywug, see if the girls will share anything that can help us.

NARRATOR

An empathic Kermit the Bullywug approached the slave girls slowly as his comrades continued inside the inn. Kermit the Bullywug came up to the slave girls as they fetched the water at the well.

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

Umm... Excuse me. Miss. Ma’am. Are you happy here?

NARRATOR

The slave girls ignored the nervous bullywug and continued their work. Kermit the Bullywug grew frustrated and stepped into the path of one of the girls.

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

We’re here to help, but we can’t do anything if you don’t tell us what’s going on.

NARRATOR

The blocked slave girl met the eyes of Kermit the Bullywug with her own and smiled at him. SLAVE GIRL 1 Silly little from man. We aren't slaves. We are merely under contract to Malloc. We can leave at anytime!

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

What are you like seventeen? Come with us and we’ll take you back to your family.

NARRATOR

The slave girl’s face contorts with what looked like despair for just a moment before she sped around Kermit the Bullywug and continued her work. Kermit the Bullywug sighed with sadness for the girls. It was obvious that something was wrong and no matter what words the slave girls used to twist the evident truths, he and his allies knew better.

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INT. COMMON ROOM - DAY

NARRATOR

The Long-Eared One, Mikey and Sockeye the Pugilist entered the common room of the Desert Beetle Inn. Tables, benches, and chairs fill the otherwise empty space. The light-colored tile floor is heavily worn and scratched with constant traffic. The air is redolent with the scents of smoke, spirits, and food. There is also another scent, like bread baking only slightly different. An enormous cask rests behind the bar. Standing behind the bar is a tall, lean man, with a hairless pate polished to a high sheen, a face like a hatchet, and deep-set black eyes. He wears the layered white robes of desert folk. Nailed to the wall behind him is a large wooden placard with the bill of fare chalked upon it, and a note at the bottom which reads in Common, “For special goods and services, speak to the bartender.” Serving girls circulate among the patrons, bearing platters of food and drink. A large, well-armed man lounges in a chair beside each entrance, clubs and shields prominently placed beside them.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

NARRATOR

The heroes were now certain from their evident surroundings what kind of people ran this facility.

MIKEY THE SORCERER

The prices are outrageous!

SOCKEYE THE PUGILIST

12 copper for a measly mug of ale?! Someone needs a knuckle sandwich on the houske!

NARRATOR

The Long-Eared One leads them to an empty table in a dark corner where they can continue to safely observe their surroundings. Kermit the Bullywug entered the common room and looked about for his friends. When he couldn’t see them over the roaming patrons, the 4 foot 7 inch bullywug began hopping just high enough to see over the local’s heads. Once Kermit the Bullywug spotted his comrades in a dark corner, he made his way to join them.

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INT. COMMON ROOM - TABLE - DAY

MIKEY THE SORCERER

What’s the plan The Long-Eared One?

NARRATOR

The Long-Eared One intently studied their surroundings with the wheels in his head obviously working harder than ever.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

We should get a room for the night so we don’t attract too much attention to ourselves.

SOCKEYE THE PUGILIST

Didja see da [Expletive Deleted]?

THE LONG-EARED ONE

One room will do for us. We can all squeeze onto a bed.

MIKEY THE SORCERER

Then what?

THE LONG-EARED ONE

Then we see what transpires at night. Kermit the Bullywug, order us up some food and drink. Sockeye the Pugilist, get us a room. Mike and I will continue to watch from here. Be sure you keep your ears open for anything out of the ordinary.

NARRATOR

A few moments passed, Sockeye the Pugilist and Kermit the Bullywug rejoined their two comrades.

SOCKEYE THE PUGILIST

The private roomsga are 10 gold per night.

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

That’s cheaper than our food came to.

NARRATOR

Just then multiple serving girls arrived and slammed four full mugs of ale upon the table, and began placing a banquet of food in front of each of the four patrons. The girls smiled seductively as they served the table. It was as though they were hoping to get a good tip or perhaps leading to some sort of special service that the bartender may be behind.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

What did you order?

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

I just got each of us a mug of ale and a banquet meal. Figured we were all famished after our long trek.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

I was hoping you wouldn’t attract too much attention to us.

MIKEY THE SORCERER

You should have just ordered us some bread with the ale.

SOCKEYE THE PUGILIST

Now’s we be getskin a lots of attention we’s doesn't wants.

NARRATOR

Three serving girls in all are tending to the four high-rollers. The Long-Eared One notices that one of the three girls moves sluggishly and seems to be stiff as though in pain.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

Excuse me miss, can I get a refill on the ale?

PADREA

But sir, your cup is still full to the brim.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

So it is. Are you alright? You seem to be in pain.

NARRATOR

Padrea looks to her two associates who are eying her fearfully.

PADREA

It’s been a long day and I didn’t sleep well last night. My apologies good sir. I will try harder to not show my fatigue.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

What’s your name, miss?

PADREA

It’s Padrea and I’m still the newest here, so forgive my ignorance and lack of skill.

MIKEY THE SORCERER

How many of you girls are there and how old are you? So far most of you look pretty young.

PADREA

I’m 17. My associates are the same age.

NARRATOR

The jaws of our four adventurers bounced off of their table in shock.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

That’s quite young for this line of work.

SOCKEYE THE PUGILIST

And nots ta menchkin, unsafe.

PADREA

Let us know if there is anything else we can do for you.

NARRATOR

Padrea and her peers left the table to continue their work and serve other patrons.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

Eat up boys, we may be attracting some attention real soon.

SOCKEYE THE PUGILIST

Way ahead of you pal.

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INT. COMMON ROOM - BAR - DAY

NARRATOR

Kermit was already making his way towards the bar by the time Sockeye and the Long-Eared One spoke to each other. The timid bullywug met the gaze of the barkeep. He was very intimidating to look upon. Kermit swallowed the lump in his throat before finishing his approach to the barkeep.

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

Well met sir, tell me, what extra services do you offer that we are to see you for?

NARRATOR

The barkeep, Malloc, the owner of the establishment eyed the bullywug dangerously as he dried the inside of a freshly-washed mug.

MALLOC

What is it you’re looking for? Goods or services?

NARRATOR

Kermit knew that the barkeep sensed his nervousness and fear. He looked to the slave girls working the crowded common room. Malloc smiled wryly.

MALLOC

You're looking for pleasure I see. Which of my six ladies do you have your eye set upon for the night?

NARRATOR

Kermit heard the number six and thought quickly. The slave owner had six under-aged slave girls that he and his friends intended to help.

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

All six.

MALLOC

Good sir, I have other patrons to appease this night. Surely one will suffice.

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

I’ll pay you well!

NARRATOR

Kermit put on his most stern face before turning back to meet the gaze of Malloc as he made his offer. Malloc understood. He smiled in acceptance of the proposition.

MALLOC

I usually charge an up-front fee of 100 Gold just to look around my emporium, but I see you already found some of my special goods.

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

How much for all six for the night?

MALLOC

1200 Gold. Julira is new but she’ll be well-worth her weight in gold once she is broken in. Let me know if she fails to please. Six hundred up-front, the rest in the morning.

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

I will be right back with the gold.

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INT. COMMON ROOM - TABLE - DAY

NARRATOR

The bullywug wandered back to his table and hopped into his seta. He placed his face into his webbed hands in defeat.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

What’s wrong Kermit?

SOCKEYE THE PUGILIST

Did the barkeep threaten ya?

NARRATOR

Sockeye began stretching his arms and limbering up as he eyed the barkeep from afar.

MIKEY THE SORCERER

Seriously, what’s wrong Kermit?

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

In my futile attempt to appear confident I may have just agreed to pay him 600 gold up-front for all six slave girls services tonight.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

It may be close but I think we can come up with that.

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

And another six hundred once services are rendered in the morning.

MIKEY THE SORCERER

Oh! SOCKEYE THE PUGILIST

Ya wants me ta just beat him down now?

THE LONG-EARED ONE

No, Sockeye. We need to make sure the girls are safe first. We’ll figure it out Kermit. Alright, how much gold do we all have? Pool it in the middle of the table.

NARRATOR

Everyone with a sack of gold tossed their holdings in the middle of the table. The Long-Eared One counted the gold before them and frowned.

MIKEY THE SORCERER

How much do we have?

THE LONG-EARED ONE

I have an idea. Kermit. You need to start entertaining the crowd with your song and dance routines. The rest of us will move through the crowd and take a collection. Kermit, keep them all distracted until I signal to you we have enough gold collected.

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

On it!

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INT. COMMON ROOM - DAY

NARRATOR

The bullywug smiled with restored hope from his friends and moved out among the crowded common room to find his stage. Kermit hops upon the center-most table in the room and clears his throat with one big croak before beginning to sing.

(Music Plays)

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

Why are there so many songs about strippers, And bouncing from club to club? Strippers are women, Who take all our money. Just like your wives at home. So we’ve sang about dancing and stripping, But the chorus is coming, just wait and see.

Someday we’ll find it, the Stripper Connection . Fifty Cent, the gangsters and me.

Who said that money can’t, buy me love and happiness? When gold is in endless supply? Somebody had tried that , and someone wrote about it . We hear it in song right now. A shake of a toosh . A glimpse of an untrimmed bush . An erotic fantasy we can almost touch.

Someday we’ll find it , the Stripper Connection . Fifty Cent, the gangsters and me.

All of us spending some cash, we know its fantasy we accept. Have you been intoxicated? And have you felt euphoria? I’ve been there and I’ve done that . The clubs they always be hoppin full of women. Tempted by the lovely strippers. I’ve seen too many to ignore anymore . It’s something us thugs must do.

Someday we’ll find it, the Stripper Connection . Fifty Cent, the gangsters and me.

NARRATOR

The Long-Eared One, Sockeye and Mikey the Sorcerer used their skills and heightened dexterities to lift coin pouches from the patrons. As Kermit sang and distracted the patrons, the three of them lifted coin pouch after coin pouch until the Long-Eared One felt they had enough gold for the task ahead of them. With a nod to his comrades they retreated back to their table just before Kermit finished his song. Malloc thought the bullywug may be up to something and kept his eyes on him as he began to sing. It was he who first began clapping when the music stopped and the other patrons followed his lead. Kermit the Bullywug bowed in acceptance of his applause before joining his comrades at the table where the Long-Eared One passed him the 600 gold pieces that he needed to finish their deal with Malloc.

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INT. COMMON ROOM - BAR - DAY

NARRATOR

As Kermit approached Malloc, the barkeep smiled at the talented bullywug.

MALLOC

Catchy tune!

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

Many thanks. NARRATOR Kermit tossed a heavy bag of coins onto the bar which Malloc quickly grabbed and checked the weight of. With a smile he nodded.

MALLOC

I will send my slave girls to your room this night. Enjoy!

NARRATOR

Kermit nodded his approval before spinning round and taking his leave.

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INT. COMMON ROOM - TABLE - DAY

NARRATOR

Kermit returned to the table and sat down with his friends once more.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

Well, did it work?

KERMIT THE BULLYWUG

He took the gold and said the girls will be sent to our room tonight.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

Excellent! Okay boys, finish your food. We need to head to our room ASAP!

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INT. ROOM - NIGHT

NARRATOR

Our heroes sat patiently in their room, awaiting their so-called evening entertainment to arrive. A light knock came from their door and the Long-Eared One was the first to answer it.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

Good evening ladies. Please do come in.

NARRATOR

The slave-girls entered the room, passing the Long-Eared One and heading straight for the large bed. The Long-Eared One closed the door and locked it behind him. They could tell which one Julira was. There was only one slave-girl reluctant to sit upon the bed. The Long-Eared One stood at the foot of the bed with his comrades, staring at the six young ladies.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

Where are you all from originally?

SLAVE GIRL 1

We don’t speak of our pasts.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

It’s how I get in the mood. Enlighten me with a little role-playing if you would. Hypothetically, if you could go home, where would it be besides here?

JULIRA

Back home with my father.

NARRATOR

When Julira answered, the other five girls eyed her dangerously.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

Perfect. What about the rest of you?

SLAVE GIRL 1

I mean, I wish I was back home with my family too. Don’t repeat this stuff to Malloc.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

You are safe here. Tell us the truth. That is all we ask in return for our coin this night.

SLAVE GIRL 2

Are you authorities? We can’t speak with you. It is forbidden.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

We are your patrons for the night and have spent a lot of coin for our entertainment. What would Malloc do to all of you if he discovered you did not fulfill your services?

NARRATOR

The slave-girls looked to one another in fear. They were in a predicament where if they told the truth and it got back to Malloc, they would be punished, but if they didn’t then they may be disciplined for not providing adequate services to their patrons. They feared Malloc and it showed.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

I assure you that no one will be harmed by Malloc for anything after this night, provided you all cooperate.

SLAVE GIRL 3

So, you aren’t authorities?

THE LONG-EARED ONE

Nah. We’re just random patrons looking to hear what you al have to say. What if this was the last night any of you had to do something you didn’t want to do? How does that sound?

PADREA

You’re a test! Malloc sent you to test our faithfulness to him, didn’t he?

THE LONG-EARED ONE

Nope. We are who we say we are and are telling you the truth.

PADREA

Hypothetically, if we endured our fantasies and shared them with you and you were hired by Malloc to test us, we would all be disciplined. None of us will chance that scenario.

THE LONG-EARED ONE

Fine. How about the six of you stay here then and don’t leave until morning. We should be back before then, but just in case we aren’t stay put for your safety.

PADREA

What are you planning?

THE LONG-EARED ONE

Tit-for-tat. You answer us, then we answer you. Otherwise just do what you are told and stay put.

PADREA

It’s your coin, so you're the bosses tonight.

NARRATOR

Now, our would be heroes had little to no information about who Malloc was. All anyone seemed to know was that he owned and ran the inn as well as controlled the buying and selling of illegal goods and services in these parts. His slaves seemed to fear him more than respect him and there was that whip on his hip that our heroes were sure has scarred the backsides of their current company once or twice.

(To Be Continued!)