Criminal logo

Can We Actually 'Sense' Danger?

Am I being rude? Or saving my life?

By Nadia RiveraPublished 6 years ago 12 min read
1
Photo by Call Stock 

Have you ever met someone, in passing, and felt this overwhelming wave of discomfort? You look at them, they have normal haircut, a nice smile, maybe they smell nice and seem, for the most part, like an upstanding human being; however, you sense something in demeanor. You simply cannot shake the feeling that there is something unimaginably wrong with them. Almost like they are simply not operating on the same brain wave as you. You sit and overanalyze yourself over the prospect of being, perhaps, a little too judgmental. "Maybe I'm just being rude... they haven't done a damn thing to me." You force yourself to speak to the person who runs this chill up and down your spine, you push down the overwhelming feeling of nausea. This person speaks, perhaps making small talk, talking about their dog, asking if you have a dog, maybe offering some assistance in carrying something or standing just a bit too close. Now, almost without much of an offer, you've become friends with this person. You have no idea how, you just know, you are trying to be a nice person. People do say you often looked rude upon seeing you in a social setting.

A few months go by, and this same person, whom you did not want to become friends with, is hassling you on not returning a phone call, or imposing on a invite to find where it is you live. You've discovered that this individual doesn't really take your "no's." It's ok, though, because you are really just not trying to be like the types of people who don't give a nice person a chance. You really don't know this person, and yet, they seem to want to team up with you in situations out of context. "Don't worry, we've got this. We really do." It's been a while and you still feel uneasy and nauseous. "Why do I feel like this?" Months go by, you haven't heard from this literal cloud of discomfort in your life until you see a news blurb that the same person who put that coldness into your flesh, and sting on your mind, has just been arrested for assaulting another unsuspecting victim. That person has been found to have had a string of unfounded assaults.

This is just an example of a much larger issue... only because we've all had that person in our lives, man and woman alike. It's a strange inexplainable feeling we get, not necessarily the feeling of not knowing the person, but simply something that cannot be verbalized. They haven't done anything to you, like we'd see on those cheesy Lifetime movies, they just seem off. I was reading a book by a man named Gavin De Becker ironically namedThe Gift of Fear. As the title suggests, Gavin De Becker talks about behavioral cues and signals used by attackers that, although subtle, are used to lower a victims guard. They are as follows:

Forced Teaming

"Forced teaming is an effective way to establish premature trust because the 'we're-in-the-same-boat' attitude is hard to rebuff without feeling rude. Sharing a predicament, like being stuck in a stalled elevator or arriving simultaneously at a just-closed store, will understandably move people around social boundaries. But forced teaming is not about coincidence; it is intentional and directed, and it is one of the most sophisticated manipulations. The detectable signal of forced teams is the projection of a shared purpose or experience where none exists: 'Both of us'; 'We're a team'; 'How are we going to handle this?'; 'Now we've done it,' etc.

"Safety is a preeminent concern of all creatures and it clearly justifies a seemingly abrupt and rejecting response from time to time. Anyway, rudeness is relative."

Charm and Niceness

"Charm is another overrated ability. Note that I called it an ability, not an inherent feature of one's personality. Charm is almost always a directed instrument, which, like rapport building, has a motive. To charm is to compel, to control by allure or attraction. Think of charm as a verb, not a trait. If you consciously tell yourself, 'This person is trying to charm me,' as opposed to 'This person is charming,' you'll be able to see around it. Most often, when you see what's behind charm, it won't be sinister, but other times, you'll be glad you looked. So many signals... are in the face... University of California at San Francisco psychologist Paul Eckman says 'The face tells us subtleties in feelings that only a poet can put into words.' One way to charm is with the smile, which Eckman calls the most important signal of intent. He adds that it is also 'the typical disguise used to mask emotions.'"

Too Many Details

"People who want to deceive you... will often use a simple technique that has a simple name: too many details...when people are telling the truth, they don't feel doubted, so they don't feel the need for additional support in the form of details. When people lie, however, even if what they say sounds credible to you, it doesn't sound credible to them, so they keep talking. Each detail may be only a small tack he throws on the road, but together they can stop a truck. The defense is to remain consciously aware of the context in which details are offered. Context is always apparent at the start of an interaction and usually apparent at the end of one, but too many details can make us lose sight of it. Imagine gazing out the window of a train as it pulls away from the station. Details move by you, or you by them, slowly at first. As the train gets going a little faster, you see more details, but each one more briefly: an empty playground, a phrase painted in graffiti, some kids playing in the street, a construction site, the steeple of a church, until the train reaches a speed that requires you to let the individual components become one... a neighborhood. This same transition can occur as a conversation becomes... a robbery. Every type of con relies upon distracting us from the obvious.

"When approached by a stranger while walking on some city street at night, no matter how engaging he might be, you must never lose sight of the context: He is a stranger who approached you. A good exercise is to occasionally remind yourself of where you are and what your relationship is to the people around you. With a date who stays beyond his welcome, for example, no matter how jokey or charming he may be, a woman can keep herself focused on the context simply by thinking, 'I have asked him to leave twice.' The defense for too many details is simple: bring the context into conscious thought."

Typecasting

"Another strategy that is used is typecasting... this is typically where a person can label another person in some slightly critical way, in hopes the person will feel compelled to prove that other person wrong. "You're probably too snobbish to talk to the likes of me," a man might say, and the woman will cast off the mantle of 'snob' by talking to him. Typecasting always involves a slight insult, and usually is one that is easy to refute. But since it is the response itself that the typecast seeks, the defense is silence, acting as if the words weren't even spoken. If you engage, you can win the point, but you might lose something greater. Not that it matters what some stranger thinks anyway, but the typecast doesn't even believe what he says is true. He just believes that it will work."

Loan Sharking

"The more traditional loan shark gladly lends one amount but cruelly collects much more. Likewise, the predatory criminal generously offers assistance but is always calculating the debt. The defense is to bring two rarely remembered facts into consciousness: He approached me, and I didn't ask for any help. Then, though a person may turn out to be just a kindly stranger, watch for other signals.

"We are familiar with the stranger who offers to help a woman with her groceries most often he is a fairly unsophisticated loan shark looking to pick someone up. The debt he records in his ledger can usually be paid off quite easily, just a little talk will do it. But he has something in common with the predatory criminal who imposes his counterfeit charity into someone's life: motive. There is no spiritually minded movement dedicated to lightening the burden of American women by carrying their groceries. At its best, loan sharking is a strategy on par with asking a woman, "Do you come here often?" At its worst, it exploits a victim's sense of obligation and fairness. I haven't focus here on criminals who simply walk up, display a weapon, and demands money. That's because he is distinctly more obvious than those who use strategies I've described. Its important to clarify that Forced Teaming, Too Many Details, Charm, Niceness, Typecasting, and Loan Sharking are all in daily use by people who have no sinister intent. You might have already recognized several of these strategies as those commonly used by men who want little more than opportunity to engage a woman in conversation. I don't mean to cramp the style of some crude Casanova, but times have changes, and we men can surely develop some approaches that are not steeped in deceit and manipulation."

The Unsolicited Promise

"The unsolicited promise is one of the most reliable signals because it is nearly always of questionable motive. Promises are used to convince us of an intention, but they are not guarantees. A guarantee is a promise that offers some compensation if the speaker fails to deliver; he commits to make it all right again if things don't go as he says they would. But promises offer no such collateral. They are the very hollowest instruments of speech, showing nothing more than the speakers desire to convince you of something. So, aside from meeting all unsolicited promises with skepticism (whether or not they are about safety), it's useful to ask yourself: Why does this person need to convince me? The answer, it turns out, is not about him—it is about you. The reason a person promises something, the reason he needs to convince you, is that he can see that you are not convinced. You have doubt (which is a messenger of intuition), likely because there is reason to doubt. The great gift of the unsolicited promise is that the speaker tells you so himself!

"In effect, the promise holds up a mirror in which you get a second chance to see your own intuitive signal; the promise is the image and the reflection of your doubt. Always, in every context, be suspicious of the unsolicited promise... Here's the defense: 'You're right, I am hesitant about trusting you, and maybe with good reason. Thank you for pointing it out.'"

Discounting the Word "No"

"Actions are far more eloquent and credible than words, particularly a short and undervalued word like 'no,' and particularly when it's offered tentatively or without conviction. 'No' is a word that must never be negotiated because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you. In situations in which unsolicited offers of assistance are appropriate, such as approaches by a sales man or flight attendant, it is simply annoying if you have to decline three times. With a stranger, however, refusal to hear no can be an important survival signal, as with suitor, a friend, a boyfriend, even a husband. Declining to hear 'no' is a signal that someone is either seeking control or refusing to relinquish it. With strangers, even those with the best intentions, never, ever relent on the issue of 'no,' because it sets the stage for more efforts to control. If you let someone talk you out of the world 'no,' you might as well wear a sign that reads 'You are in charge.' If a man doesn't understand the reaction and stomps off dejected, that's fine too. In fact, any reaction—even anger—from a decent man who had no sinister intent is preferable to continued attention from a violent man who might have used your concern about rudeness to his advantage."

I want to clarify that many men offer help without any sinister, or self-serving intent, with no more in mind than kindness and chivalry, but I have been addressing those times that men refuse to hear the word "no," and that is not chivalrous—it is dangerous. When someone ignores that word, ask yourself: Why is this person seeking to control me? What does he want? It is best to get away from the person altogether, but if that's not practical, the response that serves safety is to dramatically raise your insistence, skipping several levels of politeness. "I said NO!"

"I have a message for women who feel forced to defend their safety concerns: tell Mister I-Know-Everything-About-Danger that he has nothing to contribute to the topic of your personal security. Tell him that your survival instinct is a gift from nature that knows a lot more about your safety than he does. And tell him that nature does not require his approval... At core, men are afraid women will laugh at them, while at core, women are afraid men will kill them."

While this book is centered around a male predator's attacks against women, and I believe violent crimes happen to both women and men alike, Gavin De Becker makes a striking point. How many people have you personally met, that give off any of what was listed? I did, and the man turned out to be a textbook sociopath with a sprinkle of narcissism and a desire to impose his will on anyone who had a vagina and breasts; putting aside the fact that I kept ignoring the very prominent gut feeling that he was no good. I don't mean "no good" as in the man was going to play on my heart strings and vulnerability of having feelings for him, no. I mean "no good" in the context of: this man, given the proper chance, could strangle the life out of me and make me disappear should the proper conditions apply.

Ever since reading through Gavin De Becker's book The Gift of Fear, I had this theory, which I'm sure has been touched on by other doctors of human behavior: what if the reason we gain these feelings of unease when approached by a dangerous human being because our minds are exchanging information? What if, subconsciously, our minds are talking to each other in ways that we aren't immediately aware of on a conscious level? I think the only way these subconscious conversations are brought to the level of conscious real time emotion is through these gut-feelings. These inexplicable feelings of unease that wash over us like a curtain of death. We aren't sure why, or when, but you can just sense or feel when someone has terrible intentions of thoughts. It's frightening because our natural defenses tell us to shake the person, but society says that we shouldn't burden another person with the negativity of rejection.

It is important to remember that we have these emotions or feelings for a reason. It's important to realize that you don't feel this way with everyone. It's certain aspects of a person's behavior that tends to invoke these negative feelings for men and women alike.

fact or fiction
1

About the Creator

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.