Becoming a Felon

A Josiah Holmes Story

Becoming a Felon

Now Living on and off with Turtle P, and my sister Lulu, running wrestling practices 3 times a week at "The Beasts" gym, my mind was really starting to prepare for the hellish voyage which I was hell-bent on embarking on. Unfortunately though, after a few crazy nights of drinking, I would soon find myself seeing Bigfoot everywhere. I was now laid up in a hospital bed being glued back together from a club shot I took to the head by my loony-toon sister Lulu and her unknown male companion for the night. While sitting there on the hospital bed, in walked this wildly looking thing, telling

I was going to jail for some sort of domestic disturbance in town. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why a Sasquatch was for one talking, and for two calling me every bad name in the book. So I stood up and tackled the beast. Unfortunately for me, the beast was armed with a taser that wound up being pulled out as we fell to the ground. I ended up with my hands on it and found, myself using it on the beast in front of me. We grappled for a few minutes, and then I felt a tingling sensation strike through my body. As I turn around shaking like I’m having a seizure, I notice another angry monster lying on the ground holding a disarmed taser. That’s really all I remember as I finally passed out to the floor. Unluckily for me, they were not Bigfoots, but they were state troopers.

The next day I’m in a jail cell, I get awoken by a deputy who was there to bring me to the judge. I get to the stand and hear from the judge that I wasn’t fighting Bigfoots last night; I was fighting State troopers, so I was charged with 3 felony counts of assaulting officers. What did I do? I wish I could have remembered. I had completely lost my mind. They also had made my bond 100k so I was not about to be getting free anytime soon. I would sit for the next 4 months in an isolated maximum-security cell, waiting to find out what they will do with me.

The sentencing day has come, I now found myself standing in front of the judge pleading my case about Bigfoot killing my father, and the assault on my head that had taken place on me that night. Internally though, I was thinking, who’d believe this load of bull shit. And as sure as the sky is blue, the judge did not believe my story, then he hammered down a sentence of 30 months in prison. Maybe there I will finally get the clarity of life, or possibly, wind up with a prison shank in the back. Who knows? As I was being taken into custody, I could only thank my chubby, sweating, public defense attorney who was standing before me with his shaky hands and some bogus appeal papers. This fat frick was the one who told me to plea out to temporary insanity, and I would probably get 10months in jail, and 2 or 3 months in a state-funded psychiatric home. Yeah thanks a lot, chubby chubs, now I’m off to prison. Most likely to get prison raped or shanked or who knows. I’m only going off of what I’ve seen in the movies. Good Lord. If I survive this and there is indeed a Bigfoot sighting when I come out, that mother humper better run. Now he’s not only killed my dad, stole my money, ate my food, crippled me, But now because of him I’m off to either become a Prison Bitch or a Certified OG. Oh Boy!

January 30, 2015

I have made it out of hell. I must say I was never a Bitch, nor an OG. Actually, people just left me alone for my whole time I was down. So I kept to myself and worked out every day for 3 hrs. I was up to 1000 pushups, 200 pull-ups, and 20 minutes of bear crawls across the softball field.

Id return to the unit for lunch count, shower up, eat then relax with the tube and watch sports. I had a job in there making a whopping 11cents an hour. Basically, during spring and summertime, I was in charge of keeping the unit garden in good graces, and in the Winter I would have to shovel snow so the guards could have easy walkways. It was a cold and difficult job at times, but I did it without ever putting up a gripe. That's just how I was raised. I understood that I was just being punished for the crime I committed so there was no sense in backtalking or disobeying the officers. I did my time without any trouble no tickets or anything. After 2 yrs of sobriety, I was finally able to grow up and I never wish to think about those lost years of civilization again.

Ok now back to reality, training, no drugs, no alcohol, just me and Bigfoot, I’m ready to finally get the vengeance I’ve sought for so many years. I’ve spent 3 years dreaming and working out in prison for this quest. It’s Time.

Cooking With Casto
Cooking With Casto
Read next: Chad Alan Lee
Cooking With Casto

born in Barrington, Illinois. The youngest of 4 children, graduated from Quincy High School in 2002, where I was a decorated wrestler. A 4x state qualifier, 3x All-State, 2x State finalist, & 1x State champion.

Now 37 and starting over

See all posts by Cooking With Casto