A villain

I’ve watched movies, seen videos, and shows in which people say to “romanticize your life”. And id be lying if I said i haven’t tried. Taking pictures, dreaming big, mindfulness, all these are ways to do just that- basically anything that brings you peace and joy. I had not tried any of those although I did find peace in violence.. but this wasn’t something I just woke up one day and decided, it was a whole journey, a story..

I’ve always had a need to be liked( so im told) and I’ve never taken that to be serious in any way whatsoever, until someone said the opposite to me.

“You’re the villain.”

I couldn’t stop thinking about his words. “You’re the villain, you’re the villain.” At this point i didn’t even remember the conversation that led to those words repeating in my head. All I knew was im not a villain. Im a good person. Im a good person. I told myself every time I thought about his words.

Eventually I had to do something about it and when I saw him outside, alone.. I did.

“Hey what are you doing here little miss villain.” I watched him laugh like he said anything funny. Before I knew it my hand was on the back of his head.. slamming his head against his own trunk chanting I am a good person over and over.

Eventually his hands stopped struggling to move, his head oozing of red and his lifeless body in front of me.

I killed him.

I killed Enzo.

Immediately after it was as if my brain wasn’t responding to the rest of my body like it was supposed to. I froze. Without a thought I opened the trunk and threw him inside.

His eyes still open yet lifeless.

And got in his car and drove.

No plan, no location, I just drove until I saw water. An ocean big enough to sink a car.

I took Enzo’s phone and drove the car into the water and watched as it sunk, and with it Enzo..

I had no idea why I took his phone or what I was going to do with it. Was I going to pretend to be him? Act like I was going to kill myself? Run away? I didn’t know but stated walking away back home. Luckily no one was home, not like anyone ever is. But still at least i didn’t have to explain why I had blood on myself to my family.

I jumped in the shower and sat on the floor blankly staring at the wall.

I didn’t feel guilty. At all.

I had no regret in me. I got away with it so easily, I felt strong, like I stood up for myself for the first time.

“Maybe what I did wasn’t so bad?”

That thought is what made me feel like I could do anything. It was like my mind had a whole other mind of itself and i wasn’t even myself anymore.

“What if I can take out everyone who thinks less of me, like I did Enzo.?”

Also that thought. It wasn’t even me talking anymore. I knew right then that Enzo wasnt the lasy person I was going to hurt.. The bad thoughts were taking over my mind. One more and I would have done another.. another murde-

No way I was about to call myself a murderer. Im a good person. Remember.

Perhaps I could romanticize my life after all, but the fact that I had to take someone’s life to realize that.. sends shivers down my spine. I was right about one thing though.. he wasn’t the last body I drowned in the ocean.