Your prescription is ready.

I’ve got a prescription waiting to be picked up. I forgot the name. It’s not importantanyways. They’re for depression.

When you think about it why is that the first thing that doctors prescribe? A pill. Not everyone want to start with a pill. What if I just wanted to talk? Really I think that’s all I need. I don’t want to take something. I don’t want to feel different. I really don’t want to be made to feel crazy either. In fact, I’m know I’m not crazy. I lost my brother almost 6 months ago to the day.

He commuted suicide.

We talked almost everyday. He was technically my step-brother ,but we were very close. I found out the day after it happened, scrolling Facebook. Can you believe it? I had to hear about it through a complete stranger. Someone had made a post with a picture of him. At the bar as always. Smiling. Always fucking smiling. They said I love you Ryan. No big deal. Then I skipped to the end, R.I.P. I thought what? It’s an inside joke, it has to be a joke. I would’ve known. No. No inside joke. It was real.

I also lost the man that I called my dad almost 2 years ago to Covid. He was a superintendent, working on a job site in Texas. One of his favorite places I believe. He loved the drama of it all, (although he would never say). We also talked almost everyday. He was sick the last week. We thought he was getting better. How could I have known the last call was the last call?

So you see I’m not crazy. Two of the most important men in my life are gone. Who is going to walk me down the aisle now? Why will I never get to see a mini Ryan running around? How come the best ones always go the quickest? See I’m not crazy, I’m just sad. I just want it to go away. I just want to wake up from this nightmare.

I had to hype myself up to go to the doctor that day. I had to hype myself up to go in and tell them that something was wrong. Is wrong. Can you believe that? It took courage to go into the doctor and pour my heart out. I know that. I think I’m brave for that.

They went down the list of general questions. What caused you to feel this way? Do you feel the need to self harm? Are you suicidal? As if crying in front of a random doctor and a random nurse wasn’t enough to say something was wrong. Has it all just become a list of general questions at this point?

I had to hype myself up.. almost had a panic attack right in the parking lot. I was fine. I was great even. Not even 2 years ago my world was completely normal. How do you go on? How does everyone else’s world keep turning when yours has stopped? The two people I was closest to are gone and never coming back and everyone gets to keep on keeping on.

Not only that, no one takes my insurance. It’s been 2 months since I went to the doctor for a referral. I haven’t seen anyone. Haven’t gotten a call back. I’ve seen all of the online therapists pop up on my social media, but they want $80 a secession and who has that? $160 to go twice just to talk to someone. I know they need to make money, they deserve it. They paid for college. They took all the tests, have all the degrees, but I’m drowning in all of this.

I can’t bring myself to go to the pharmacy. I can’t bring myself to pick up those pills. That would really seal the deal for me. That would mean something was wrong. That would mean that I’m not going to be able to fix it by myself this time.

Should I just go to Publix?