You're not afraid to lose me?

Life can be very interesting when things don’t go the way you think they will. Whether good or bad, life never goes the way you plan it. I never planned to have the life I have now and frankly sometimes I wish I could go back and change certain things. But then again, if I didn’t go through the things I did, I wouldn’t have what I have now. And I’ll never let them go.

For some context, I am 25 years old with two kids from different fathers. Now I know some of you are already judging me from those two small facts. Back when I was younger, I would’ve cared about random people’s thoughts. People ill never meet. Nowadays, I really couldn’t give a f*** less what anyone else had to say about my life. Especially when you have your own issues in your life. I’m here to vent since no therapist can keep a stable enough schedule to keep seeing me. So here it goes:

My first child’s dad was mentally and emotionally attached to his mother and sister throughout our entire relationship, until it was just his mother. His sister passed away from a hereditary disease and while I tried my hardest to support and be there for him as much as possible while also being a first-time mom of a 3 month old, it wasn’t enough. For 4 years I stayed with him, hoping and praying that he would see my efforts and see my willingness to keep our relationship going. Yet still, it wasn’t enough. He sexted any girl that would listen to him or give him the chance. And if it wasn’t other girls, it was his mother that wanted all his attention and demanded it any time I was actually able to get his attention. Dates were always cut short or canceled because of her.

And if it wasn’t the other girls or his mom, it was the video games that occupied his time. Within the last year of the relationship, I hated my life outside of my kid. I just stopped caring about what he was doing or how he felt about me. I was working towards leaving with my child and never look back. That’s when I met the second “baby daddy”. And yes, I hate that term because they are both great dads to their kids. The second one was everything I wanted my next love to be. At least he pretended to be. The first few weeks were everything I wanted and needed to feel with someone. Real love. The kind of love that could weather through literally anything and everything.

Then the drama happened. My narcissistic mother, the first “baby daddy”, my trauma, anxiety, and depression. Drove me to the point of no return. But he saved me and took me to the hospital. Stayed with me and gave me my second baby. Covid came and definitely put the nail in the coffin. He met a girl at work that I did not trust because she refused to acknowledge me but did all of our mutual friends and him. 7 months pregnant and I was self-quarantined for the baby’s health. We got a house together and then a cat. December 2020, the stress and anxiety and the endless need of reassurance I needed finally pushed him away. He ended the relationship and him and that girl got closer until he finally fell in lover with her. And her daughter. The one thing he always wanted.

Left me to fend for myself finding another place to live and then coming back to me when they always got into petty arguments, only to go back to her a week later. I was stupid enough to allow him to come back and use me the way he did. I allowed it and I honestly f***ing hate myself for it. But when I love, I love hard, and it takes a lot for me to let go. They broke up in January after she had another abortion behind his back, and he couldn’t deal with it. So again, he went back to me. I’m his comfort when there’s no one else. His words. He’s comfortable with me, yet all the work I put into myself while he was with the other girl still isn’t enough to show him how much he meant to me.

He went back to her just this past weekend and that made me realize that I’m not the problem. I did my work, and I did my healing from my past relationships. So, I’m not the one who needs to heal anymore. He is. But that won’t change my mind about him anymore. Hes finally pushed me away to where I don’t want anything to do with him romantically. And when I told him that, I think it hurt him a bit. But I just don’t care anymore. From now on, if I date anyone again, there’s going to be a survey and application, just like a job. I’m so done with the abandonment and lack of interest men seem to hold after so long for me. And apparently only me. But then again, I don’t need them. But they’ll need me when the time comes. Two of my exes have already tried to come back multiple times to no avail. It’s only a matter of time…