Yeah, But Would You Kill for Me?

Right after they made primal, dirty love, they rolled over and curiously looked at each other, and she said, "I'd kill for you."

He didn't skip a beat. His eyes never flinched, his gaze unwavering when he said, "I'd kill for you too." And then they went into a steamy round two of, well, you know what.

Apparently, the topic of killing for your soulmate is, uhm, stimulating.

Now I don't want to give away the TV show we were watching or any other context, mostly so I avoid any "spoiler alert" clauses. But the fact is, it was a curiously odd yet intriguing question to ponder. In fact, my wife and I began to ponder it right then and there.

So I paused the show, looked at my wife, and asked her the same thing.

"Babycakes, would you kill for me?"

She didn't answer me so much as she asked me the same thing and wanted me to answer her first. Of course, I said yes. Not for sport or fun, to be clear. Instead, as a protective measure in case she was ever threatened.

I mean, chivalry is far from dead…right?

But for some reason, a chivalrous bludgeoning of a threat didn't seem, shall I say, exciting.

It didn't feel as stimulating as it appeared on the show, is what I really mean to say.

Is that wrong?

Is it demented?

I mean, if one really thinks about it, isn't there some mean ole person you know who one day you had this flash of "the world would be better off without them" fly through your brain? You don't need to answer me, of course. All I'm saying is that there are people who do mean things, often intentional, and for a microsecond, we wonder…hmmm.

How would it happen?

Would it be an "accident"?

Should it appear self-inflicted?

Are others involved, or is this a devious little solo "off-ing"?

You see, the literal truth is that during the pause, we both went off into a dark part of our minds for a couple of minutes. And oddly enough, these were the deviant thoughts and questions we considered. Until we caught one another's eye and realized we were both in that dark micro abyss.

So I un-paused the show.

I'm sure you can guess what happens next because the wife actually kills for him on the show. As a viewer, it kind of catches you off guard a bit. And on the show, the homeboy she wacked was caught by total surprise.

But here's the problem with the wifey wanting to kill for the hubby on the TV show.

The homie was still alive.

Yeah. She didn't "wack" hard enough, and homie was still alive and kicking, so of course, they couldn't just let him go. I mean, she did try to kill him, and letting him go just wasn't possible. So now it was up to hubs to finish the deed.

And this is where I paused the TV again.

You see, because now my wife and I had a secondary discussion over the fact that if you're gonna kill for me babycakes, then actually fucking kill the homie. Don't do a half-assed job of it and leave the actual deed to me.

That's just not fair, and it really is totally uncool for the dude getting wacked, who now has a splitting headache and is totally embarrassed because he pissed his pants.

I literally said those words to my wife during that pause.

I can't believe I was actually miffed at my wife in real life for not doing the job correctly in our make-believe scenario, based on a dang TV show.

And once again, we found ourselves drifting away into that dark abyss again.

Being that we've been married for twenty years, I could almost read her mind. The questions she pondered were what had to be done to make it a "one-hit" wacking. How much force would it require? Would any type of weapon work, or do I need something specific?

And if you think that's weird, here's what I was thinking…

That my wife would need to start lifting weights so that she has some muscle behind that swing. Should I teach her ju-jitsu so she can just choke the punk out? Or take her to the batting cage?

This may read like an offbeat story, but you have to admit that it brings up some fascinating questions. And even more provocative talking points with your husband (or wife) over a bottle of red. Of course, it is basically all centered around this single question.

"What would you do for love?"

The answer is not always what we think it should be.

So go on now. Put the kids to bed. Fire up Netflix. And ask your lovey-dovey that simple question.

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PS: my wife now keeps a baseball bat on her side of the bed. Ya never know, now do ya…