Word of the Day: 罪悪感

I think I passed my Japanese Quiz. I don't feel like bragging, I just feel like that is true. I don't feel good about it either though. I feel like I am cheating some how but, as I am explaining to my classmates completely more advanced words in Japanese, I just realized, I studied in advanced.

I shouldn't feel guilty of the work I did completely myself. It is my gift to myself from the past. I can't even enjoy my high because I feel like I am being watched in a weird way. I need to charge my computer but, I just want to return to that moment.

Haha, I am sort of a ditz, I was bragging in discord about Kanji when Lady Murasaki didn't even write using Kanji... lol that is hilarious. I am going to leave it though. I don't care what people think of me. I guess I do but I think it is more that... I feel it is more embarrassing to not be corrected than to be corrected. I wonder if that is wrong. Well not wrong but.. yea, I wish someone knew more than me. I mean the teacher does but, I guess I want to be able to be friendly to someone and I don't feel like I can in that group. I can't go past cordial.

I don't know why but the " Succulent Chinese Meal " guy keeps going through my head. I don't think that is a good sign but I am just going to try to calm down for now. I think that is the best course of action.

I am thinking of Yuuichirou now... I have the music box we bought together in Portland. I took the wrapping off but I remember I bought it because it had the poster my grandma had on her wall in her house in California.

So Hampsteadian of her. Nah, I love my grandmum. She was very interesting. A Scorpio so it is very biting but, she gave me a lot of liberties. They were mostly about imparting wisdom to me. I guess I need to write as much as it is to live or love for me. I mean, does anyone remember the movie Brightstar?

Bloody glorious. The most tragic piece of magic the world has ever had. The frailty of this love is so pure. Now I remember Fuji (Wisteria)....

Yes, Fujisawa... Yuuta Fujisawa. The hacker, the pirate... He went to China, learned how to code... I should look for his github account. Knowing him he probably has a bunch of burner accounts.

Oh well... no way of contacting him now. But that was interesting channeling. I have every light on in the house and I am trying to drink as much tea as I can before I have to brush my teeth.

I don't think that mouthwash is helping my teeth problems and I also unfortunately find it hard to chew sometimes. Not from tooth pain but from jaw pain.

I don't know what Avalon is telling me, but I feel like it is a bird's eye perspective that my human mind can't perceive in this moment. Or I don't feel anything.

I smell the fucking dishes in the sink, I need to clean pretty badly, I don't have the energy to do it this morning though, I will do it tonight when I get home. I don't have weed but I think if I take a nap once I get home then I should be ok to deal with it. I don't know about after that though.