WHY WE FEAR

Tripping, tripping

all day-tripping, about that unfriendly cashier who looked at me with that impatient smile.

Then the memory of myself winning that Beauty contest in 1989 during a school trip, to remind me I’m not that ugly…bit*h!!!!

I always had stories with the charming guys, the ones all-girls admired, the unfaithful ones…there must be a solid reason for that outcome.

I’m not that ugly in every sense…or I wasn’t. But I surely must have feared betrayal in my life to pick that men category, where my ego would rise through the clouds while my dignity would just give up on me.

Who knew, all my struggle, especially with age, would focus on a continuous mental battle between ego and my sincere wise heart, all supervised by my smiling reassuring soul, the only one who knows where I should go. It's been waiting there forever...

Mornings are just like lotteries: ok today number 7 mood, I feel lucky; tomorrow number 23 mood, I want to die.

But I’m a Libra I must find balance in this life, I must be happy…but balance is made of a bit of everything and finally, I’m learning to embrace my dark side, therefore trying to accept the dark side out there and all shades in between, a reflection of what I believed deep deep deep inside, possibly I will improve it.

Yes I can be jolly and I can be boring sad, I can think of extraordinary poetry and I can get sucked in time-wasting gossips someone’s heard.

“Love yourself first no matter what” must be the real Big Bang, no one will teach you that, your formal education, your parents surely did their best and you filled the gaps…

You’ve learned to be pleasing others to be accepted, to be a well-behaved parrot in school, to adapt to ugliness and find a good reason for most of your life choices, and yet always feeling almost sure, that is not the real you, never completely sure you’re expressing yourself and enjoying it fully. I searched for that self-worth confirmation from the outside world and sometimes, it worked a bit, but most of the time, it was far from my expectations, but I made it work.

Luckily my sore heart teamed up with my brave soul and strengthened my warrior side, my romantic side and somehow I’ve always managed to believe it to be my real core, the real me and so I fought against all odds ( Phil Collins I love you!)

They say " cherish the child within you", it is quite an accurate and gentle concept but what I believe truly is that our soul stands clear during our childhood, all we believed then, is actually our truth, the real us… then all experiences we accumulate like dusty souvenirs and medals, deform the unicity of our truth and that spontaneity we were born to represent, our health.

Aging could help, I repeat, could help.

But aging can definitely kill ya (hahaha ha)….and it’s mainly down to our thinking not so much to our biology.

The lucky ones finally got that enlightenment, possibly through the portal of a Full Moon Netflix evening, like the tarot readers suggest “ you will get your download from the Universe” and that really happened to me.

Suddenly I was able to feel the overwhelming strength of my fears, worries, bad habits, and I would like to call them negative thoughts. but honestly, they were just horrific and had to be faced and tamed for good.

My light jealousy, as an example, was becoming the monster of the Fatal instinct series not yet broadcasted publicly.

I found myself scared of my husband’s betrayal with my undead neighbor, the one we always worry will be found dead one day or another, especially when no lights come up at night looking at her windows and her car is parked for days in the same spot.

Or I was worried my partner had given an appointment to another fantasy lover, in the dull supermarket we go to every week and when he'd say” I’ll go find the oat milk” he would actually quickly find a hidden corner to meet and kiss his secret date and fly back to me… that poor me, still rolling my trolley with no aim, by the cereal’s alley, losing my last trace of dignity.

Applause to my tripping, I deserve it 💪🏻

Yes, all my fears had become giants at some point, so I couldn’t avoid dealing with them finally and bravely (epic music in the background).

One day my husband looked at me and my hair, all messed up, especially at the back, the result of spending a few heavy hours on my sofa, lying like the 4 of swords card in the tarot deck, the healing warrior card.

He took a picture of me, I looked terrible, no trace of that believing 1989’s Beauty queen…

I needed to feel all my pain and understand it, I needed to see it to heal it.

From childhood wounds to last-second wounds, especially the ones you’re scared to dig deeper. Understand them, I needed to hug them.

This pain I experienced is not who I am; I want to be and create what I believed in my heart since I was a child, that precious treasure has always survived through the storms and waited for me on a calm sandy beach, to be opened and heroically reveal my updated dreams,… I’m so tired to keep inside.

So when the Universe sends you a gift you prayed for, it could surely arrive, in a dismantling way and you might think here we go again with a lazy mindset template...but this time don't miss your chance for an updated self-freedom new journey.