Why I'm staying away from that dating app

Tinder is a breeding ground for some of the most horrific people in existence. It's obvious to most with its launch in 2012 that its primary focus was to get people to hook up, not to have meaningful relationships with substance.

I didn't hear of this app until 2015, shortly after graduating high school. I outright refused to sign up because hookup culture didn't appeal to me at all. My preference at that time was genuinely getting to know someone and progressing towards a romantic relationship.

A month after my ex and I split, I caved and decided to download the app. I wasn't really sure what I wanted, but I was hopeful. Within 15 minutes of signing up, I matched with someone who immediately asked to hook up. They really cut right to the chase. My suspicions about this were right. Tinder was just an app trying to get people to bang each other. Can't I have an actual conversation with people first?

Let's just say it's taken me a year and a half to realize just how toxic Tinder was. It took me this long to come to my senses because I usually tolerate quite a bit before cutting off something. But a couple months ago, I reached my breaking point.

Up until this climax, I kept having back-to-back encounters of hookups where the other person would ghost me not long after. When I moved into my new apartment, the very first Tinder person I brought over was named Matt. He was 32, a delivery driver, and lived in his sister's basement. We're not exactly off to a great start here. But I digress.

We met at an Applebee's, and he seemed like a nice, cute guy. We made great conversation until he dropped a bomb on me.

"I've been to jail 3 different times," he said. I froze with my mouth full of mashed potatoes, and then slowly swallowed them.

Matt said two of them were related to marijuana, which I was okay with because I strongly supported weed legalization. But he wouldn't tell me about the third charge. All he said was that it was embarrassing...which didn’t really tell me much. I had been single for not even two months yet so my discernment with men was nonexistent.

The first time Matt came over, we had issues getting intimate, which he blamed on his lack of sleep. So we cuddled and slept. When we woke up however, the situation was rectified and we did fuck, which ended up being worth the trouble. We kept texting after that day and things seemed to be going pretty smoothly.

We decided to hang out again a week later. Again we had issues trying to get intimate. He would attempt to enter me but after one more failed attempt, he quickly got off of the bed, rushed to put his clothes back on, popping a cigarette into his mouth while heading out the door. He said but one sentence before leaving.

“I’m not physically attracted to you.”

There was a time and place to say that, and it was probably not after having fucked once before. It felt like the rug had been yanked from underneath my feet. What made me feel more insulted was how quickly he put his clothes back on and ran out. It was as if he felt so embarrassed from the situation he couldn't face me.

My anxiety was telling me I should probably try and figure out what that third charge of Matt's was. It wasn't difficult as he'd told me his last name the first day we met. I knew where he was from because that's where we'd met for dinner. And I remembered him saying the month of his birthday. I found a public records forum, typed in the dude's name, and waited patiently for the results to load.

Matt told the truth about two charges as they were both related to weed. The third one however was of burglary, which I would have never guessed. I made sure none of my stuff was missing, and fortunately it wasn't. You can guarantee I made sure every date I had after him didn't have a jail record (for anything serious).

That was one of the very first Tinder experiences I had, but sadly not the worst one.

I matched with a guy named Jake. I don't remember his exact age, it was early 30s I think. He was tall, handsome, a stoner, and a talented musician. We had music in common so right away we hit it off. We were both obviously physically attracted to one another and so we exchanged some very raunchy text messages and I sent him a couple different sexy pictures (no nudity however). My brain was telling me hey you’ve seen this person before, but I couldn’t remember exactly where. After he sent me several more selfies, I was able to remember that he was someone I used to pass by at a place I worked at called Sweetwater. Now I only worked there for two weekend shifts, so I’m not sure why my head chose to retain that bit of random information, but indeed I had seen this person before.

We made plans to hang out at his place that Saturday. It would have been sooner, except Jake was watching his sister’s kids while she was in the hospital with preeclampsia, having just birthed another. It’s also a good idea to point out that earlier in the week I noticed a wedding ring on his finger and when I asked about it, he said it was his dead grandfather’s ring. I mean, why would a guy lie about something like that?

That Thursday night, I noticed that Jake wasn’t really messaging me at all and I was suspicious. I kept calling him because clearly he was hiding something. The phone would ring, then send me to voicemail meaning he would see me trying to contact him and not answer. I kept texting and calling non stop because I was freaking out and wanted some answers. I felt like I deserved to know the truth. The last words I heard from Jake were I can’t do this anymore. Not a single sentence out of him since then.

I’m really good at figuring out information if I want to, and anything you want to know the internet will most likely tell you. Plus, I knew this person had worked at Sweetwater. I actually knew several other people that worked there as well, so figuring this out was going to be a cinch. I messaged my ex on Facebook, because I was mostly sure but needed the confirmation on whether or not Jake was married. And yes he most certainly was!

I wanted to see it for my own eyes as well so I entered his phone number into a lookup site so I could find out his last name. After that, I entered it on Facebook, and it instantly took me to his page where I confirmed for myself he was most certainly married. Now his wife had just had a baby, and she wasn’t really doing so well in the hospital. I can only imagine she was probably very tired, but I strongly felt this was something she deserved to know, that her husband was definitely cheating on her and lying about who he was.

I scrolled down Jake’s page and found out his wife’s name. I wouldn’t say I’m the best at confrontations, but at least it was over a computer and it was over something that was most certainly not my fault. I took screenshots of the texts Jake had sent to me, sent them to the wife, along with telling her how we matched on Tinder and had been talking for over a week.

She didn’t have too big of a reaction, she did say thanks, and seemed a little appalled that Jake was doing this while she was in the hospital. A couple nights later she asked if we’d met up in person to which I happily said no. But if he is lying about himself to that degree to just one person, what’s to stop him from doing it again?

I never heard from this woman again, but I was curious a few days ago and decided to see if they were still in a relationship and sure enough, they’re in her profile pic together. I understand they have three kids together now, but why she would want to stay with a cheat and a liar is beyond me. This was the worst thing that happened to me on the dating sites. I’ve been ghosted and treated poorly before, but I couldn’t imagine already having two kids with someone you’re married to, in the hospital with another, and your partner deciding to go behind your back. The incident disgusted me so much I deleted Tinder and haven’t touched it since it happened over two months ago.

Now looking back, I realize how obvious the signs were from the beginning that he was married. This event taught me to be more picky in the people I talk to, and I would definitely say that I have been. I strongly feel that Tinder should also do something to help filter out some of these people, but I do get that people can and will pretend on the internet, and that it’s something I should be watchful of.

After that situation, I found it so difficult to trust anyone. Sometimes I still do. When people can’t tell you the truth about themselves upfront like that, it causes you to be wary of anyone else. But I learned my lesson, and I know to be much more careful when choosing who to spend my time with.