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Why I left

by Brian Sattler 3 months ago in Family
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I never meant to hurt you

Why I left
Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

Anita looks down at the note in her hands and she begins to read it her hands shaking with nerves.

Dear Mom,

I was stuck looking into mirrors and only seeing a shell looking back at me, a ghostly apparition that I did not recognize. Nothing was your fault, you were the only shining light in my living hell. I could never talk to you about what was going on because Dad was threatening me. He would get close to my face and scream with the smell of cigarettes burning my nostrils, he would remind me that he never wanted me.

While you worked he would beat me. He never wanted a daughter and his sons would join in with his mental torment. My life turned into a constant switch from that and then a father who would act as if he loved me the second you came home. I remember hating myself constantly for stuff I never had any control over. I hated myself for being born a woman in his fascist house. I could never bring myself to tell you the true horrors that happened in the house. I could never tell you that your husband, the man you adored so much, was a demon straight from hell. You were always sick and I never realized just how bad you actually were and I still will never regret keeping it a secret from you. I will regret leaving you in such a time of need. I looked in the mirror and I didn't recognize who stared back.

I became someone who contemplated ending it all every second of the day. I was starting to fear for my own life. I knew that wasn't something that I wanted and I knew that would never be what you wanted. That's why I left, that's why I grabbed a backpack stuffed with some clothes and walked out the front door never looking back again. It was selfish of me to walk away from you. I did not know you were feeling sick again and I didn't realize just how much heartbreak this would cause you. I am sorry, You will always be the number one person in my life. I love you and I will always have you in my heart.

With great love,

Anita

The morning was frigid with a thick fog hanging over the cemetery. Anita walks slowly leaving behind footprints in the morning dew on the grass, her eyes drowning in tears. She blamed herself for the passing of her mother. She believed that her mother died after being sick and having the unforgettable heartbreak added to it. She left home to escape the abuse and she continued to abuse herself more after learning her mother died just a couple of years after her departure. Anita stops at a gravestone just taller than her knees and sobs when she sees her mother's name scribbled into the granite. "I'm sorry, Mom!" She screams out as she falls to her knees not even minding the dew soaking her legs. She feels numb like her heart has stopped. She has known of her mother's passing for a little while now but seeing her mother's name on the stone makes it all finally feel real to her like she refused to believe it was real.

She continues to sob and cry out to her mom. Apologizing profusely not able to stand. Her heart skipping beats. She hunches over punching the hard ground as hard as she can. It's all my fault. I left you when I should've stayed," She cries out. A gust of cool wind carrying a single hum hit her making her fall silent. At first, she thought she was hearing things like her heartbreak was causing her to go manic. Then it happens again. A gust of wind carrying a whistle that she knew very well but... why? Why was she hearing this now? Was she just hearing things because she wanted to see her mom one last time? Was she just hearing things because she yearns to just hear her mom's voice just one final time? She stands and turns around as another gust of wind gently glides all around her. Yet again for one final time, she heard the whistle. The same unique whistle her mom would always do when she felt happy. Tears were running down Anita's face and she was stunned. What exactly was this? Then she felt it. She felt the feeling of a warm hand just resting on her shoulder not squeezing or pulling. Not too aggressive or too passive but It was holding onto her shoulder with care. Then Anita finally understood. She didn't exactly know why or how she understood but a powerful emotion swept through her and she knew that it was okay. Her mother forgave her and she knew her mother will always be with her, "Happy mothers day mom," Anita said with a smile on her face.

Family

About the author

Brian Sattler

Reader insights

Nice work

Very well written. Keep up the good work!

Top insight

  1. Heartfelt and relatable

    The story invoked strong personal emotions

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  • Cynthia Sattler3 months ago

    This story was sad but so sweet it nearly brought tears to my eyes at the end. awesome job!

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