Why I Had An Affair (And How It Saved My Marriage)

People in happy marriages don’t have affairs.

We might love our spouses, but long, slow disconnection can cause a breakdown in the marriage. We don’t want to leave, things aren’t that bad. But they aren’t that good either.

This may seem like an excuse or blame, but if we are to heal, we must acknowledge the truth.

Yes, I made a terrible choice.

Yes, there were reasons for that choice.

The reason I think about most is loneliness.

Long working hours, tired as parents, depression, sexual dysfunction, and other things left us disconnected. We didn’t talk about the small upsets, so resentment built inside each of us. We were both lonely prior to the affair, and my spouse was during.

Loneliness and rejection were so painful, I had to escape, and it left me vulnerable to attention.

Desire — low between my spouse and I; magically high with my affair partner.

I don’t yet understand why, but for many years I dissociated during and after sex with my husband. This left him feeling rejected and hurt. He withdrew, often to pornography, and I felt rejected by his preference for fantasy. Then this new exciting relationship caught me, and I felt intense desire and wanted by my affair partner.

Being wanted and chased after so long feeling broken and unwanted was too heady to resist. I knew it was wrong, but it felt too good after so much bad.

The pandemic gave me time.

My previous objects of limerence were short-lived. Virtual friends don’t stick around long as we have jobs or families, or interests change. During the pandemic, my husband worked out of town for long stretches, giving my obsession free rein.

My affair partner wanted to spend time with me. I had nothing else to do. I told myself once my husband returned, the friendship would end. After a month, I was in love and didn’t want my newfound happiness to end.

I knew I should quit — one man or the other, but neither option felt right. So, I kept digging myself deeper and deeper until my lies exploded.

My husband hates how I frame this next part and I don’t blame him; the pain of my betrayal is devastating.

Here it is: The affair may have saved our marriage.

I feel ambitious with this claim, because we are only sixish months past the explosion. But with the long low-level unhappiness and sexual struggles, we would not have stayed together once the kids left.

We both admit this.

We have both had to admit and change our behavior that caused the disconnection.

We have both been more open about our pasts, something we never discussed. I learned the science of desire and another article I’ll write about the magic “no” that changed our sex life. No more porn or sleeping on the sofa. Affection and self-care are part of our lives.

There are still many behaviors we struggle with, but we can talk about them and make changes.

I had to confront my mental illnesses and take responsibility for my actions.

Many behaviors and traits of mental illness are treatable with the right actions. You can learn new skills and help yourself work through past trauma. The biggest help for taking responsibility was developing a self-compassion practice.

The less I beat myself up and the more I let go of shame, the more I could admit the actions I took were wrong.

The last part will be time.

It is early in our recovery to say we are saved. Upsets, arguments and meltdowns are fewer, further apart, and less intense. Trust is not regained quickly, and wounds need time to heal. Some days, I am fighting to stay together and be someone better for my spouse.

If we fall apart, I want to say: I gave it everything I had.

I am optimistic that we can heal given time and effort on my part. I am committed to trying my damndest.