Why Does New Relationship Energy Last Longer in Affairs?

New relationship energy never lasts.

It's like a battery. It dies at some point. Duralast or Max or Extender, non-withstanding. Or gas in your tank. You have to pull up to the pump.

It dries up.

So does NRE.

It's based on hormones and brain chemicals. Eventually, the thrill subsides. Then, you either break apart or move into the "oxytocin" warm partnership phase. After that, it's less about hot sex and more about watching television together on separate couches.

In affairs, NRE lasts longer.

Why?

It's the inherent tension. The obstacles. Not being able to see each other as often as you'd like. Not being able to communicate regularly. All the texting and subversion lead to the heady state of wanting, which fuels NRE like a wildfire.

It's the mystery of the affair partner. You don't "really" know them. And you won't. They are a cipher.

Mystery fuels desire and craving and dopamine.

Ah! Do you see?

In "normal" relationships, NRE lasts 3–6 months on average. Then, warts begin to show.

"How can I deal with him?"

"Does she always do that?"

"Is this how it will be?"

In affairs, warts stay covered longer. You don't live together to see the nagging idiosyncrasies that might make you nuts. It's not going to be lounging in bed all day, every day. Endless sex and sweet nothings. The whole term of an affair stays exciting precisely because it's tenuous.

"Anything she liked, I liked."

"He's just perfect."

It leads to impossible expectations.

"What if we were together?" my lover asked.

"We'd get bored and complacent like every marriage."

"No, we wouldn't."

"Yes, we would," I argued.

It's not just my cynicism talking. It's brain chemicals at work.

It's impossible to maintain a high level of sexual tension. You will get desensitized eventually. That's how life works. No more "Energizer bunny!" But that's ok. You can't sustain that type of connection long-term.

"I think about you all the time!"

"I can never stop thinking about him or her."

Affairs can change into something more than those fleeting emotions in the beginning. They can evolve into deep reciprocal caring. But, the thrills will be lost like in all long-term partnerships. Meaning more cuddling and less hot sex.

Enjoy the NRE while it lasts.

With orgasm, you get a rush of dopamine — associated with romantic love. Also, oxytocin and vasopressin — form attachment. So that's the cosmic union chemical cocktail in your brain.

"You focus on the person, you obsessively think about them, you crave them, distort reality…to win this person," Helen Fisher, Ph.D., Biological Anthropologist explained. She's a senior research fellow at The Kinsey Institute and Chief Science Advisor to the internet dating site Match.com. In addition, she has written six books on the evolution and future of human sex, love, marriage, and gender differences in the brain.

Affairs can prolong NRE from 9 to 18 months. Perhaps longer if you don't see each other regularly. It's a heady dose of desire compared to a "real" partnership. Elevated levels of dopamine are to blame. All that chasing and wanting is the catalyst.

As Helen Fisher, the romantic research scientist, noted in her TED talk, The Brain in Love, "The brain region becomes active when you're willing to take enormous risks for huge gains and huge losses."

Risk? Huge gains? Huge losses?

Why hello, cheating!

As I've written previously, "I wish I could bottle that shit!" because it's the best mood elevator on the planet. Better than any drug or substance. Take those "feel good" hormones and revel in the particular joy of a new love affair.

Believe me; you'll be chasing that high for a long time to come.

It's not so easy to forget.