Why Did You Hate Me So Much?

Tears fill my eyes as I write this Mother’s Day Confession. It is with a sad heart that I share this, growing up I went through hell. Why did you mentally, emotionally, physically, and verbally abuse me as a child? I struggled with low self-esteem, negative thoughts, and feelings of self-doubt about myself that no child should have to endure.

You just recently told me that you loved me at fifty years old. I’m so grateful that my dad was in my life because he was the total opposite of you. He never talked down on me or called me out of my name. He never abused me in any way, he showed me, unconditional love. He expressed his love for me all the time, he was the reason for me holding on although many times I wanted to give up. I’m now fifty-one years old and the trauma that I experienced as a child still haunts me.

I constantly try my best to be a better parent than you were. I shared my thoughts and feelings with my son and I have been able to forgive you and move past those terrifying years. Why did you allow your anger, and frustrations that you dealt with in life to affect your relationship with me? I have never really felt safe with you, I have never felt loved, I have never felt wanted and I have always wondered why.

Another thing that baffles me is that you never apologized for the things that you had done to me as a child. I still struggle daily with the apology that I will never receive. Many family members wonder why I don’t come around as much, or why I’m so distant most times. It’s like that because I have such a hard time letting people in or getting close to people. So although I have forgiven you I still struggle daily.

We have never really had a close mother/daughter relationship and I’m not sure if we ever will. I’m working daily to have a decent relationship with my daughters. I don’t want them to ever feel that they are not loved or appreciated. I’m really happy that I can share this because I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders just by getting this all out.

I do love you, you are my mother. You are a big part of the reason that I am alive today. I love you for providing for me for as long as you did. I love you for taking care of my brother. I love you because it's hard not to only because you are my mother and I am supposed to love you.

I don’t love the fact that I went to middle school with a black eye, I don’t love the fact that I was constantly called out of my name, I don’t love the fact that I was beaten with extension cords, I don’t love the fact that you didn’t show me any love. I don’t love the fact that you loved my brother the most and showed favoritism constantly. I don’t love the fact that these things have affected me all of my life.

I hope that one day before it is too late that you will eventually apologize for the hurts and pains that you have caused me. I hope that we can one day have a better relationship, I hope that one day you will love me unconditionally and I hope that you will remember the things that you have done and ask for forgiveness and repent.

Trina