Why am I here?

After reading some stories from others who have confessed their reasons for writing, I am inspired to share my own.

The pandemic has changed me in ways I never expected but let's be honest, anyone who says the pandemic didn't change them in some way, shape, or form, is telling a bold faced lie. I am a 39 year old female and feel as if I could be the poster child of late in life diagnosis of ADHD and Anxiety. I'll spare you the details of my medication journey since I've covered that in another story (No Manual for This). I am now medication free and learning to navigate life with two mental illnesses that feed off of each other and can keep me incredibly high strung if I let them.

I first found the Vocal platform after my mother shared one of their contests with me on Facebook. I didn't enter the contest because I didn't have the money to be a Vocal+ member at the time, but the concept of a website where I could write whatever came to mind intrigued me. In fact, a secret wish of mine has always been to be a writer of some kind but I didn't want the added pressure of deadlines, editors telling me what to do or not do, or publishers pushing for things I didn't really want to ruin what I've always found relaxing. So I decided to do with this what I do best - dive in head first and figure the rest out later. Recklessness that I've come to learn is a telltale sign of ADHD. Unlike recklessness in finances or life in general, the only thing I risk here is no one reading what I write. The best case scenario is that I get enough hits to make some money - not a lot but not $0.

The more I thought about it the more I realized I'm not in it for the money. I'm doing this for me, to clear my head of the jumbled ideas that go off like fireworks 24/7/365. A creative tornado, lightning storm, and fireworks show all at the same time. 500 internet explorer tabs open at once and no idea which one of them is playing music. In addition to all of that, I've always had wacked out dreams, nightmares, and night terrors that I've recently learned can be a symptom of anxiety. ADHD rules my waking life while Anxiety rules my sleeping life leaving me to function as some form of permanently exhausted pigeon. I dream of the macabre and worry about the future.

The penultimate goal is for this space to become an outlet for my thoughts and endless creativity. I plan to write anything and everything that comes to mind - recently it's been several erotic stories but that isn't going to be the crux of my writing. I also plan to write stories inspired by my crazy dreams and am currently planning a multi-part murder series. Yes - I dream about murder along with whatever else my twisted anxiety ridden psyche can come up with. Stories about passion projects of mine, my photography, etc. Stories about whatever my mind chooses to hone in on at that point in time. All with the hopes that I can function better in the real world with one less thought dancing around my brain.

So here I am, 5-6 stories in and wondering what in the heck I'm doing here. This is crazy. I'm crazy. But is this crazy? This may be one of the best ideas I've had in a long time. I'm always journaling or coming up with ideas for stories that never go anywhere and now they can. My mind is constantly spinning....'Round and 'round it goes, where it stops? Nobody knows.....