Who am I?

Writing to Heal

Writing for me is a way of expressing myself. Having PTSD and the symptoms that follow it can be very lonely. I didn't see my first therapist until after my youngest son was born. So, writing was my way of coping with depression and anxiety. I wrote my first poem in English class when I was in the 5th grade. It had to with the blooming of a rose and love. The poem was so good that my teacher accused me of copying it out of a book. She told my mother that there was no way a child in special education classes could write a poem like that. That's when I discovered my love for writing. I was never one to keep a diary. I kept a folder with loose leaf paper in it. When I felt down or mad I would write everything I was feeling down. Afterward, I would walk down to the creek, rip the letter up into little pieces and drop them in the creek. It was like sending my worries to float away downstream. Writing is just a calming, therapeutic way to my world of peaceful bliss.

I wrote a letter to my younger self. It's advice that I gave my daughter as she was growing up. She has suffered from PTSD herself.

A Preview of Childhood

Growing up, I was bullied in school. I had a slow learners, learning disability. I was a chubby kid and on top of that, I wore glasses. Kids would call me names like retarded, stupid, coke bottles, you name it and they probably said it. They used to sing this mean song to me “fatty, fatty two by four, can't fit through the double-wide door”. This went on all through school. Of course, it messed with my self-esteem as it would most young children. I have some scars that I carry from my school years. Although, as an adult today, I realize that what was going on in school was minimal compared to the trauma I would suffer outside of my education establishment. Those kids should have been the least of my worries.

Some of my childhood, before the age of ten I have no recollection of. I was told by a therapist once, that may be because my brain could be blocking a traumatic event. If only my brain could block it all out. My sister and I suffered many forms of abuse growing up (not by our mother, that woman is a saint), but by others that have passed through our lives. The one that sticks out and hurts the most came from the man that was supposed to protect me and love me unconditionally. This has caused me to suffer from nightmares for years. In some of those nightmares I am younger than ten years old. I'm not sure if it is a memory trying to surface or if my mind is playing with me.

Path of Self-Discovery

I was told by a therapist to think hard about who I am, truly. What parts of me make the big portion of myself. This kind of self-discovery takes time with a whole lot of soul searching. There would come a day I would know that I am more than my mental disorders. If I ever see her again, I would thank her to let her know her words sent me on a self-discovery journey that has made me who I am today.

It has been ten years since I was given the guest of self-discovery. I have found my self-worth and I learned to love me. Through the years I have learned a lot of lessons and found bits and pieces of myself along the way. Hard ships and events from childhood until now have made me come out stronger than ever before. I have found my backbone and threw my doormat away.

Who I Am

I am a strong woman, who has been through a great amount in her life. More than any one person should. I am a mother of four, with three that are grown and one at home that will be 17 yrs old soon. I also have a one-year-old beautiful grandson that lives about an hour from me. Everything I have been through has only made me stronger and has taught me lessons that have only built my character up to who I am today. So when my character is challenged, I will defend it! I didn't work this hard to build myself up to be a fictional character. Although I don't care about anyone's opinion of me, but never assume to know someone unless the time is spent to get to know them, remember what George Eliot once Quoted, “Don’t judge a book by its cover”. Imagine how much less drama there would be in some people’s lives if they didn't make assumptions about others. I take everyone I meet, as they are today. I don't care about their past. I believe that the past does not define who they are. It is the lessons they have learned along the way that builds up their character for who they are today.

I'm independent, I have morals, respect for others, am loyal, a very forgiving person, and honest. My family and my kids are the most important people in my life. When I love, I love hard. I also tend to wear my heart on my sleeve at times. I worry about other people's needs before my own. I will put my struggles aside to help someone else with their struggles. When I do something for someone that I love I do it with my whole heart and I expect nothing in return. If you need it and I have it, it's yours. That does not make me a pushover, it just means that I have a big heart that cares too much. Although, I do have standards and will not be treated like a doormat. I love to laugh and have fun. I also love to dance, listen to music, and write (mostly poetry). I am a firm believer in treating others how I would like to be treated. If you tell me I can't do something, I will show you ten ways that I can. There are times that I will screw up. I'm only human and I will admit when I am wrong. I will not depreciate my values or change who I am for anyone. I'm not perfect, but I’m proud of who I have become. I know what I'm about and I will keep going.

There is a lot more to my story. This is just the preview. There will be more to come.