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Where you slept.

by Alan Perez about a month ago in Family
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A night that you rested peacefully.

Where you slept.
Photo by Asap PANG on Unsplash

December, 25 2020

Mother your care is above all what i can compare to heaven's peace.The comfort erases all terror in my mind,evaporating all negativity just with your smile. When this year has taught me more cruelty and isolation you still encouraged me to give my best.The world has shown me hatred when i was born in love,yet you knew this because you single handedly raised me and my sister's.The world has given you burden yet you still showed compassion.

You were denied constant love,yet you brew it amazement engulfed my mind. The man who you married constantly has broken your heart and you continued to believe in love. The holidays,birthdays ,and special occasions you always made it a celebration. The day when i was hospitalized where i was going to commit suicide ,it hurt more seeing you in constant agony asking yourself what you did wrong. The nighs howled your wailing tears as it hits the concrete , tears carving your cheeks like a creek river."Mi Hijo" your words penetrating my weak heart .

The fear driven eyes ,pupils expanding as if you lost me permanetly. The pushes and grunting as the policemen tall and strong were stopping you from reaching me. The effort you gave to reach me knowing all is against you but you keep fighthing on.

The love you have sowed unto me and my sibilings, have demonstrated us the love of the mother. She has the power of life and death in her tongue.Mother has always used her tongue for life for us.The moment you give food to us and told us "I already ate" we knew you were telling lies but we ate because we could not think but be fed. Where you were pregnant with me and my father would be playing a sport and leave you in hunger.

The day you ate wine and food left overs from that hotel guestroom,hoping no one would see you. My heart is in wrecken that to this day you do not have a fridge with just one meal a day. I have not told you that was my last suicide attempt,despite you doing everything to keep on living for us,i tried everything to give up.December,25,2020 i lied to everyone we were celebrating a holiday.I was going to be married but that did not happen,i was supposed to buy a house start a new career.That was only a setup to my greatest turnabout in life. I did not tell you my last suicide attempt.

It was a night after the holiday we were smiling having a great time with our niece. I looked next to me mesmerize of the woman i was going to marry her shadow crept on me.The lights grew dense and heavy there was not a single word in my head to keep believing.

The echoes grew louder the words manifested to me as i walked into the bathroom mirror "Die". The word became a decision as we left with our pictures and laughs, i left you a note here lies the Suicide of the old broken me.

Eternal pool consisting of weary hollow tears.

Screams fill the mind,painting a desert land.

Wailing in grievance,asking for assistance.

No soul is coming to the rescue.

Left alone with barely any hope.

A new dawn emerges after repetiton of the night of war.

Surviving is crucial.

Eternal rest,soaring over,and as divine appoitment.

A peacemaker it disguised itself.-


I never did it mother, i believe we will find our purpose in this world,as its already changing around us . Your love can nullify any negativity in this world. When returning home i was going to run to you and encourage both us,you were alseep this whole time peacefully. The night you rested in peace. Love you mother.


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Alan Perez

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